How to Stop Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

Hello. Thanks for checking out my YouTube channel.

In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..

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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator

Emotional Connections Matter!

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How to Stop Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

Podcast Ep. 001: Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge

In Episode 001, Alan Robarge, Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist, answers the question, "How do I stop being attracted to emotionally unavailable people?"

All questions for Relationships Q&A w/ Alan Robarge come from members of the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, where we Learn how to create more secure, meaningful, emotional connections.

Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?

Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?

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How to Stop Being Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable People?

[AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hello Subscribers:

Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.

One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.

Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!

As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on YouTube. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.

I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.

That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on YouTube. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.


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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.

Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.

The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.

While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.


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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.

When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.

You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.


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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.


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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.

And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”

Best regards,


Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist

[deniseodendaal]

The problem is in the first 3 months they appear to be emotionally available so you are in a sense tricked into believing they will continue

[littleredhen]

Take off the rose colored glasses, ground yourself in a neutral place, resist the urge to make excuses for yellow/red flags, and most importantly LET PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY REALLY ARE. It takes much less time than you think, but requires a mindset of self-worth/respect. You can be nonjudgmental and still make choices based on what truly belongs in your life, what's healthy for you. Don't fall for potential. Cultivate that gut instinct, it will sound off when someone's not right for you.

[eeomwyu]

I never feel attracted to those people when I see them as such from the start. The problem is that those unavailable people attract me because they always act as emotionally VERY available in the beginning. And only after I become attached to them, years later, they become unavailable. If they were like this from the start, I would never even find them attractive. Also, when I would start to notice their lack of enthusiasm and interest in me, I would always talk about it and ask in a super gentle way why they changed. And they gaslighted me. They never openly said: "Oh, I decided to become emotionally unavailable to you from now on." No way they'd ever admit it!!! They always say: " Oh, I'm just too busy with work right now" Or worse, they start accusing me of selfishness/neediness for even asking, leaving me feeling guilty. But I realized what it was after I learned about "breadcrumbing", "slow-fading", "keeping me in their orbit", "orbiting/ keeping me as an option" and so on....I decided that in such times of change it's better for me to shut my ears and STOP listening to their words. Then I'd better START listening ONLY to their actions. The words will be very confusing! They twist the narrative to keep me hanging there for their advantage and I blindly believe them, always assuming I must have misunderstood something, always doubting my sanity and never theirs.. My new rule is: "No more confusion! If I feel confused and if I feel change in their behavior and they deny it - I am OUT of it. No explanation even needed! I've had enough of heartaches.

[sharyn]

Have you ever noticed that if you have a pattern of emotionally unavailable relationships that when you do meet someone who is present and available, they can seem super intense and it feels pretty uncomfortable at first?

[alisongreen]

"trying to play ball with someone who isn't even lifting their arms"- ouch, that was a hard truth to face up to. The "disgust" really resonated with me too- a real physical disgust.

[truthmerchant]

Wow, yes, I've been trying to play ball with a lamppost. No wonder I feel so frustrated and lonely.

[justme]

I've broken up my boyfriend and written a dating check list. Because of my emotionally abusive parents I had no idea that I could or should be picky. I thought I was flawed and so I attracted these men, but now I see that I can simply raise my standards and be single until the right man comes into my life. I'll be doing me and having a great time in the mean time.

[peacejoy]

I am attracted to non-relating ppl and it definitely comes from family dynamics. For example, even when my mom hugs me, I feel nothing but it looks good. There is no emotional connection between me & my siblings. I almost chase them trying to connect emotionally! 🤦🏽‍♀️ I am surrounded by unemotional available people. I definitely ignored my needs to have this “fake” connections. It makes perfect sense. Back to the healing lab I go!! Thank you! This is life changing information.

[cvxrett]

Don't ignore red flags, trust you gut, know and stay firm with your boundaries, value yourself and body, and know your worth. That will weed out the narcissists, psychopaths. Emotionally unavailable is a little bit more tricky to figure out !!!

[mckonal]

"You can not make someone create the immediacy of emotional presence, attunement and exchange."

[missminti]

Ego and boredom is what keeps these people coming back around and never fully engaging. No one wants to hear this, but if a person is half-assing it with you - it's because they think they can do better or are pining after someone else. Their emotional energy is there, it's just not directed at you.

[lindaharrison]

I had a guy once explain my relationship situation as such. He said that I was in it by myself. Dead on accurate. In it by myself.

[sheeni]

The image of the child playing ball alone by himself and imagine the mother to be there makes me cry.

[justynawisniewska]

I really appreciate your work. There are so many 'get your ex back' channels on here and not many that truly let us understand why they failed in the first place and why we can't let the person that does not care about us anymore go because of our attachment issues.

[kezzokav]

The imaginary is really useful. I loved the ball example. That makes so much sense. I just broke up with my ex for the second time after he said he would call me back in an hour and 2 days later still hasn't heard anything from him.. So that was it for me. Second time round, I'm not putting up with being ignored/feeling undervalued. I put up with that enough the first time.

[marywolfe]

I find that the more real authenticity I show in relationships with friends, they distance themselves.

[tinybrit]

I tried sooo hard not to fall for the lovebombing this time around, but I’m not even sure if it was Lovebombing. It was just constant communication. I got addicted to the attention, constant text messages. Even when I tried to create space he would say things like he missed me or would become more enthusiastic and attentive. As soon as I caught feelings he deactivated and cut me off and threw me away like trash. Never heard from him again. HORRIBLE Feeling. I’ve never felt so worthless and discardable. Like how does one go from constant communication to disappearing off the face of the earth never to be seen again?

[IvaTarleCoaching]

Great talk, very soothing and healing. No tolerance for non relating. No romanticizing the disconnection and imagining an important part of relationship which isn't there. No shutting oneself down.

[AnnaPrzebudzona]

What is love? Alan, don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more!!!!
I was driving and listening to this episode. When you said - ”you're attracted to absence”, I thought I would crush into the railing. I also need to say: Alan, where were you when I needed you 15 years ago?!! 😉 You might have saved me so much suffering...