Recovering from BPD through Corrective Relationships | JOHN GUNDERSON

John Gunderson, a major force in the BPD world and the person who originally defined the diagnosis, discusses Borderline Personality Disorder from the viewpoint of a researcher and clinician.

[CrimsonVioletMoon]

When he said that these stabilizing relationships kind of have to come from depression because the person has to have given up in order to accept that they’re never going to have that all consuming love they were looking for, woah. That’s exactly how it feels, and I’ve never heard someone articulate it before. Like settling for the grey is the best I can hope for if I want stability in my life.

[Justin.G.OG.]

I was lucky. struggled for a decade with BPD, not knowing what it was. Another five years with the knowledge of it. I can say that my husband, over those five years, saved my life. truly a corrective relationship. thick skin and a love so deep that he never let my BPD destroy him. In time as I learned with a caring and loving support system, I can say I'm so much better but ill never stop learning. I come back to these Borderline notes every 5-6 months, just to make sure I remember what I'm striving too achieve.

[RosaAnderson-pssy]

I think the breakthrough to BPD is validation and authenticity.

[katiermaxwell]

It is usually a corrective relationship because BPD NEEDS LOVE. It's not a facade... they really really do need corrective love.

[Thearrowslayer]

My wife has bpd and we have been together for 12 years, every day is a new struggle. I love her with a burning passion and will never give up on her.
Some days are harder than others, I still struggle with accepting the reality of her challenges. She is an incredible human who has endured a horrific abusive childhood, compounded by rural poverty and addiction.

[Drew_HBK]

As a man that’s been diagnosed with BPD multiple times, having my son saved my life so hearing him mention having children helps was very surprising but makes all the sense.

[Jean-unor]

Struggled with bpd since my teens, after lots of turbulence between me and my family/parents, toxic ex narcissistic exes. I really learned to help myself and reparent myself. After multiple attempts at meeting new people and learning to have standards and be a healthier person with everyone I interact with including myself, I can honestly say that I have healthier relationships now. I had to put up serious boundaries when it came to my parents. And learn to have standards on what kind of behaviours I’ll accept from others.

People with Bpd are often demonized when often times, we accept awful behaviour put on us because we have an “illness”. We deserve to be respected and loved, not treated badly and accepting the bare minimum.

❤❤❤

[randygulak]

As someone who endured 3 years of never ending upheaval and abuse, for anyone who is in a relationship with someone with BPD - don't stop listening to your emotions and endlessly self sacrifice to make them feel safe. If you are over your limit, save yourself because you are no good to them anyway if you are wrecked.

[mta]

I wish with my whole being that ours could have been the corrective relationship my now ex borderline wife needed. She discarded and deserted me, but I would have remained devoted, supporting, and loving for the rest of our lives if she just would have let me. The pain of being betrayed and abandoned by the person I loved and trusted most in this world has utterly shattered me, and I don't know if I can make it through.

[aubreyj.tennant]

I’ve been following so many other BPD experts and some not so much - self styled BOD experts for a few years and just came across Dr. Gunderson recently. He seems to know so much more than most. He makes so much sense. So sad to hear he left us in Jan ‘19 due to an illness. 💔😭

[lorenzrosenthal]

child cannot leave if you treat them with disrespect and child doesn't talk back. Child is totally dependent on you. This can give finally a feeling of stability to a BP I guess. Problem is, if this was your sexual partner behaving like a completely dependent child, you would disrespect them even more and they'd become a burden to you. So this doesn't work that way.

You have to consider:

Do you want a partner with good boundaries who talks back, which creates a feeling of separateness but at the same time attraction and respect?
This can in the long run actually create a sense of stability if they endure the time of enormous insecurities, anger, nervous breakdowns, bottomless sadness, hopelessness and devaluation on the side of the BP, if they stay (which few are able to)!

Or do I want a co-dependent, totally agreeable partner, who you cannot truly respect but they will never leave you no matter how you treat them?

[sanya]

I feel like I'm going into one of these rn, it's so different this time and guess what...we both have BPD. So being understood and supported and having someone who's been on a similar path and has no stigma towards me at all is really nice. Definitely makes me feel like I'm not so terrible after all.

[lilalaunelove]

I have no diagnosis but I know emotional instability and was suffering from it most of my life. Marrying and trying to make it work has helped me apart from therapy, reading about personality disorders and learning some DBT (very effective) + choosing to heal, take my life in my own hands etc. ... My cats and husband are my stabilizers. Still I learned my emotion regulation is my own responsibility and it's better that way. Yes it was through depression because it didn't work how I hoped. It was through seeing how much I wanted others to do everything for me. But who can do it but me? Who can save me but me? Who knows best how to love me... but me? It's nice when someone co-regulates but it's ultimately not feeling that good to be so dependent. I don't want that anymore. It's emotionally unsafe and I was never aware of it until some weeks ago. I let others off the hook to live their own life. Some things will be the way I want them, some won't - it's all okay! Let there be real life! I gladly take on life's work. I feel I now largely understand this finally at 40. And am looking forward to many more stable and self regulated years.

[roguecurious]

As the child of a mother with BPD, I suffered a lot of non-intentional abuse and my whole life has been impacted deeply. I do not think BPDs should use their children to get better, it only traumatizes the children and only slightly improves the BPD. I would even go so far as saying that anyone with BPD should seriously consider not having children. Even with the best of intentions and lots of love, having BPD ruins your child's emotional growth, leads to PTSD, and prevents them from learning how to have good relationships. You basically handicap your own offspring.

[virginiaandrade]

I really wish I could afford to see this guy as he's been one of the few to describe succinctly the internal experience over years and years without being too heavy handed or gentle about it. I want to reach that level of stability and resilience others have godgiven, but it's sometimes as hard as being hit with a hammer and not wincing or reacting with pain. No one wants to be weak or sensitive, but it's something I can't seem to muffle or stop doing. I see my daughter starting to do the same.

[iSpunkrandom]

For me, my corrective relationship has been with God. I’m really amazed at that because I didn’t see it for myself 2 years ago or less. But after years of failed relationships and trauma (romantic or otherwise), He was the only person left who had any opportunity of helping me in the all-encompassing way that I needed. Always being by my side, loving me no matter what, wanting better for me, “taking my calls” no matter the time of day so to speak. The church were like His relatives that took care of me when He wasn’t able to in ways that humans need, like hugs and community outreach. And because of this relationship with unwavering love, I have been able to learn how to better love both others and myself.

[MindShiftChronicle]

As someone in the field of mental health, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) often feels elusive and complex, with even the top specialists offering similar explanations or slight variations. However, the more I study it, the more it resembles trauma—an external shock that fundamentally alters one's psychological wiring. Like complex PTSD (CPTSD), BPD can be understood as an epigenetic phenomenon, where a combination of genetic predisposition and environmental factors reshape who you are at a deep level.

In this light, many individuals with BPD grow up with a pervasive sense of being inherently flawed. Having someone who offers unconditional love and radical acceptance can be profoundly therapeutic. Therapists can and should provide this, which is why transference-based therapy is often used. In many cases of BPD I've encountered, individuals are often in relationships with someone who both cares for them and, at times, contributes to their distress.

[mn]

2:20 Poor poor child that has to make its parent feel good about themselves. I cannot imagine greater child neglect than that.

[AJ-txvf]

Idk, thats a big onus put onto a freaking child to be a therapist for a parent. and if the child goes to college, as I did, he viewed it as "abandonment" and got worse not better. Now he harms my sibling and is an emotional vampire so it doesnt generalize

[antoniocarlosburinsammarti]

Ideally speaking, I believe, what we don't need at the beginning of our treatments is unavailability. We have to have help managing our crisis. Yeah, we need to be independent. But there´s a time and a place for everything, like, ideally speaking.