5 Ways a Lack of Attunement Keeps You From Connecting

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So many people are feeling blocked from connecting with other people. If you find yourself trying and trying, but nothing seems to lead to friendship or people even seem to be pulling away from you, there might be a problem with your *attunement* – your ability to sense another person’s openness, or to “read the room". In this video I'll tell you signs that your attunement to others may be isolating you, and ways you can fine-tune your ability to be present with others and form better relationships.

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I've got lots of info and links for you below. But first, PLEASE READ:

I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

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[atillafiliz]

"You can't connect with people without having boundaries." Wow.

[joeysocks]

Someone said “people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to respond.
I find this often, and a real turnoff when they hijack your conversation

[AvaFayIliza]

Keep in mind, neurodivergence affects a lot. Neurodivergent individuals, like myself, tell a similar personal story to try to connect, because that's what WE need. (Of course I'm speaking in general terms here, so it won't apply to everyone.) If you don't tell us a similar story when we are in need of connection, we think YOU are insensitive. Now, I have come to learn that's not what a neuro-typical person needs, but before I knew this, it was extremely difficult for me to connect with a neuro-typical person. The moral of what I'm saying is: have patience with people, and if it keeps happening, kindly talk about it directly how it makes you feel AND tell them what to do instead. Telling neurodivergent person what to do instead is extremely important, please don't skip this step, because if we haven't been told before, we genuinely don't know what to do.
Much love,
💖 -Ava

[LovinDebsFits]

I received unsolicited advice last night in a woman’s group. It made me mad because I wasn’t asking for advice, I just wanted to feel heard and not told what I should do. I’m a quiet person by nature.

[itm]

For anyone out there reading this post; I truly love what this woman has to share. She’s helped me so much…. And I’m old too.

[rebeccamurray]

I wasn't really taught how to assert myself in healthy way or what healthy boundaries were. I just did what I was told...as a kid.

[dracolich]

My friend often says what I should do. But it is useful. She made me go to the gym and almost convinced me to stop smoking. It could be different from usual situations where people give unsolicited advice.If nobody is kicking me to do the right thing, I might never fix my life. I wasn't taught the correct behavior and practically unsocialized, so I often say things I shouldn't and only realize it later. I wish I knew how not to hurt people's feelings. But closest to me people call me out on it often, and they are not mad because they know me. I'm thankful to them.

[nikiepunt]

1. 1:15 You give unsolicited advice
2. 5:14 lack of curiosity
3. 9:28 insensitivity to others
4. 12:27 you cant own your mistakes
5. 15:31 being shielded
6. 17:01 dogmatism
7. 24:12 gossiping
8. 24:50 exaggerating
9. 26:07 flakiness

[throttle]

You have talked about a lot of things I've always done with no idea how bad they were. I appreciate learning about these things.

[spicexcat]

I'm a recovering opinion bully. It took me a long time to become aware of it & even longer to understand where it came from. When people would disagree with me or have a different opinion, it genuinely felt like a targeted slight, like the other person(s) was being condescending as if I was inferior to them. This was always how my family spoke to me. I wouldn't know what something was or how something was done, and they'd correct me in the most belittling way. It's wild how much we hold onto as children that follows us into adulthood..

[marypasley]

Side note- you look so beautiful! You are thriving and I admire that in people’s stories. The overcoming and going forward and learning and falling down and continue to persevere. Hope!❤

[grizzlyrascal]

More videos like this PLEASE, Anna! I wish these "unspoken rules" of attunement were taught to me by my family, but alas, much of this I've had to either intuit after lots of putting my foot in my mouth, or someone either in person or online has had to say it outright. It's awkward to know I need to grow in attunement, but not know exactly what to improve or look at. Thanks again for all you do!

[wmh]

Thank you so much for talking about unsolicited advice 💖. My husband and I both have CPTSD and tend to be "problem solvers" (aka "givers of unsolicited advice" 😂). I had a best friend for awhile who started almost every sentence with "You SHOULD...blah blah blah". She absolutely meant well but it was annoying and made me really aware of "You should..." statements coming from both myself and others.

[crimsonkim]

Thank you for this. Lots of food for thought here. As a die hard homebody, I often have to gear myself up to leave the house and interact with others, even people I care for deeply. As a consequence, I have the tendency to enter situations like a human whirlwind. I come across as funny and engaging and people are often initially drawn to my heightened energy. It also means I can be loud, obnoxious and self-centered as a cover for feeling self-conscious, unsure and uncomfortable. I feel like a counterfeit extrovert putting on a show. It takes me a bit to settle down and realize I am monopolizing conversations. It’s embarrassing because I truly am interested in other people’s feelings and experiences. When my nervous system is calm I’m a very good listener and supportive friend. Thankfully, my few close friends love me, understand me and are usually willing to give me a second to calm down. While I appreciate their patience, my goal is to learn how to regulate myself BEFORE I get to them so I can be fully present from the start.

[gailhatch]

This is a primer on why I have problems making friends 😊

[TheJvm]

This has been such an eye opener for me. I was completely unaware, in my pain, of how others view me…many of us simply were never taught any of this. Great topic to explore further!

[sherryf]

This is one of your best videos. People absolutely need validation despite society and internet gurus telling people that they don't!🎉😊

[Official.Leonardo]

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve given unsolicited advice, like in the following situation that’s been happening:

Lately on a few occasions I witnessed mothers abusing their children by berating, insulting, swearing at, shaming and straight humiliating them in public. It was clear on these children’s faces that trauma was forming. I’ve stepped in every time to save them from their mother’s horrendous behaviour. I told these mothers directly that they were being abusive and harming their children, that just because their own mother treated them that way it didn’t give them the right to do the same to their own children. They are caught off guard every single time and it becomes clear that they’re used to treating their children that way in public without consequence, with no one ever getting involved and speak up for the children. But when the mother’s tone toward her kids changes immediately to a non-abusive one, and when those children make direct eye contact with me with the words “thank you” in their sad eyes… I KNOW I’ve done the right thing.

[naturalebeing]

i have so much of these and so do the people i choose to date. It’s messed up because i get upset with them for not being attuned to me, but im not attuned to them, except in the codependent ways i learned to get love growing up by fawning. I don’t ask people any questions about themselves, not because I don’t know I should, but because I don’t care. And I hate that part of myself. 😔

[merlene_k]

I am struggling with giving unsolicited advice. I always feel like i want to help but i understand, its very annoying. Thanks for the tips