I Left the Mormon Church . . . But My Husband Hasn’t

I Left the Mormon Church . . . But My Husband Hasn’t

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[meetandinspire]

"Respect doesn't mean I agree with everything you say. Respect is how I talk about you and how you've come to these beliefs."

[LminorH]

My parents are a mixed faith marriage (one being LDS). The respect part hits the nail on the head. But always remember that respect has to go both ways in the marriage.

[pinkfab]

As an active member of the church. I can say that Dr. John gave the best advice. Focusing on family and respect instead of saying anything negative towards any religion. There are latter day saints, jewish, buddhist and catholics in our family and we all get along well and we love each other so much.

[chalktalkwithshari]

I left the LDS church and my temple marriage (for different reasons) after 17 years and 5 children. It took me a decade to find a new faith, mainly because of my bitterness. I let my children choose their own paths. Only one stayed in the church, went on a mission, and was married in the temple. We all respect each other’s beliefs and celebrate marriages and baptisms in our respective churches.

[helenalderson]

Let go of the guilt!! My husband was marginally active...it was his choice. When your kids are older, they'll choose. My oldest is devout and served a mission, my second is gay and can't go back when she feels unloved and unwanted, my youngest has simply never been interested. My faith is mine. I'm going to support my husband and each of my children. I just let the kids make their own choices.

[GraceAn]

Thank you, Dr. Deloney. Your thoughts on this subject really made sense to me. Deconstruction is the easy part, it’s the reconstruction that’s hard.

[taylor-sanchez]

I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ. This was a great call and hope this woman can find the peace she is searching for 🙏🏻

[julesv]

Omg im crying listening to this. I did exactly what she did, except my ex husband divorced me because of it now I’m in the middle of dealing with him alienating my son against me, because I’m no longer part of the Mormon faith. I just want to hug her and sit and grieve with her.

[FreeSpirit]

I was baptized into the LDS Church in my late teens. I learned a lot from the various classes, the women, the way of life. When the one I was married to kept cheating on me, became increasingly abusive, I made the decision to leave him for a happier life. When I left then divorced him, all of the people I thought were my friends, except for one, turned their backs on me. Having some unkindness dealt to me over the span of time I was active in the church, I decided that if these people did this, I was done with all of it. I tried out a few other religions & they weren't much better.
It couldn't be all these religions, so, maybe the problem was me.
It was then that I turned away from organized religion.
Spiritual, without religion works best for me.
I do miss the feeling of community, the unkindness & shunning less so.

[heidiortiz]

Leaving a high demand religion is hard because raising children in the faith is a central demand of such religions

[vtvincent]

It sounds like the real issue here is not that she wants to leave the Mormon Church, but she wants the whole family to leave it. She's not happy because leaving by herself isn't what she really wanted nor is a mixed-faith household.

[ashleyingoldsby]

Faith on a Tight Rope podcast focuses on mixed faith (LDS) marriages. Might be a good resource here. :)

[JGeMcL]

What i really like out of this is that you would be actively helping the kids think about what they believe and showing them it's more than just one religion. My wife and I share the faith, but i want my kids to understand and believe for themselves, not just because it's what mom and dad believe.

[JBSRCS]

It seems to me that her real concern is not wanting her children to believe and go to church with their father. I’ve listened several times and that is the point where her emotion is most intense. Kids are not pawns. It doesn’t matter what she believes. Her husband has the right to feel just as convicted in his beliefs. And the children are just as much his children as they are hers. She made the choice to walk away from something she once professed to believe. People change. That is her right. But that isn’t the real issue. Her husband has supported her in her choice and she is still conflicted. It feels like she isn’t willing to allow her husband and children to make their own choices about what they believe. She has claimed that right for herself, but can’t allow it for them. She says she is ok with her husband remaining in the church he believes in, but that’s not really true. It’s only true if his beliefs are not a part of their lives in any way and not influencing the children in any way. But she feels it’s ok to influence the children to believe what she wants them to believe. It’s not going to work unless she lets go of control. She can only control herself and what she believes. She can’t control her husband and she cannot control her children. The kids should be allowed to attend church with their dad one week and not attend with their mother the next week (or attend a different church of her choice) or something similar. They should see both parents respecting and honoring the beliefs of the other and feel love and the right to agency from both parents. The kids have the right to choose.

[theplaintiff]

And why isn’t the husband allowed to take them with him? They’re just as much his kids as they are hers

[JessicaGoonan]

I think there is something bigger here. As someone who was raised in the Mormon church and also left I understand what she is going through. We are told from birth that this is the one true church and if we don’t live the way they want us to we are bad and going to hell (as with a lot of organized religions) with women specifically there is an expectation of being “the perfect faithful wife and going against the church or your husband is a part of unspoken expectations to the point we feel guilt and shame. I want the caller to know that 1. She is not alone in this. 2. That guilt and shame will subside as you continue deconstruction. 3. There is a community of ex-Mormons on Instagram and Facebook where you will find support. And lastly, 4. You are not a bad person, bad wife, bad mom, you are enough. And it is okay to have differing opinions and have a happy family. This is the time to find your identity without those expectations. Enjoy the discoveries you will make.

[blakewho]

When he said my values didnt change my beliefs just did I got goosebumps

[davidlea]

The one thing Dr J got wrong on this one is when the kids ask her about his faith, she should direct them to talk to him about that, not answer the question from her perspective. That's what I think anyway. Then the kids can make their own decision themselves.

[heatheranderson]

My GGrandpa was a devout Protestant & GGrandma was a devout Mormon. They paid a full tithe to each church, and attended services with each other at both churches. They supported each other AND supported each others faith. Grandpa always said both churches did good and taught good. He didn’t see how God would be offended either way.

The point being they loved and celebrated each other AND their individual faith. Just because you don’t believe doesn’t mean you have to convince anyone else either way. Support the individual and their INDIVIDUAL journey.

[giovannagreeff]

This is long but I felt it was important.

Ex-mormon here - I'm seeing a whole lot of opinions being thrown out over this woman and her beliefs based off of commenters personal experiences in the church both for the husband or for her.

But we are neglecting the very real issue that is the LDS church calls people to positions of power and doesn't give them enough direction on how to lead in relation to differentiating personal beliefs built on church doctrine and actual doctrine.

There are wards that are great that are led by amazing bishops and there are some that traumatize some of their members. But that means the church is for some people and not for others.

On top of that, she's saying her kids are asking more and more pointed questions and she doesn't know how to answer them. This means that her simply not being involved in the church is leading their kids to critically think about what they're being taught and are coming to her to hopefully have someone explain away their confusion and if it's like what I was taught - it can be scary to see my kids tackling with the guilt they feel when they go.

You don't have to respect her if you’re a member but as a mom - she could be seeing concerning teachings that she's having to counteract and it can build resentment to the father if she feels like he's putting their kids in a situation where they are emotionally or spiritually struggling. We have to respect a parent for wanting to make sure their kids are safe in all ways and it isn't our place to comment on the religion side of it in terms of upholding covenants, or if the religion is true or not. Different beliefs in a marriage are tough already but different beliefs between parents with kids is an absolute mess that can distupt and hurt the children and all Im hearing is that she needs to discuss with her husband how to get on the same page in how they raise them in general and not just within the church.

My husband is more moderate and I'm moderate but liberal in some areas ehich leads to butting heads on certain topics and we have had to make sure when we discuss things with our kids that we take into account both of our opinions and discuss nuance so they can build their own opinion. We were both Mormons who are mostly agnostic now and my child wants to believe in principles that are more buddhist. As she gets older, we plan on exploring more religions with her or even teaching her about building her spirituality on her own.

If a marriage with two different belief structures isn't working, it's because there hasn't been recognition of this between the two individuals and communication isn't open enough yet.

The two adults just need to sit down and recignize that they're marriage has changed and they need to determine how best to move forward with the new dynamics of their relationship. And if she has concerns about the safety of their kids, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, that needs to be discussed and her husband needs to be open to hearing it. Just like how some commenters expect her to be willing to go against what she believes because her husband wants to go. Let's not make this a one sided problem.