Do Narcissists 'Know What They're Doing?'

In this video, Dr. Ettensohn discusses the topic of self-awareness in NPD. Numerous commenters have shared their belief that narcissists "know what they are doing"...that they are fully aware of the harm caused by their behaviors. Centering the conversation in the idea of mental illness, Dr. Ettensohn discusses the faulty attributions, skewed perceptions, and interpersonal deficits often associated with pathological narcissism and NPD.

The video ends with an appeal to viewers to consume reasonable, moderate, nonpolarized perspectives on charged issues like NPD.

[therealmarkleyg]

To everyone leaving negative comments: please understand that everyone with NPD do not act the same. That's a very narrow mindset and missing the meaning of these videos. For example, I genuinely strive to care and make an effort to connect with others. I put in a great deal of effort to support and understand others, even though I often find myself unsure of how to do so. Videos like this are incredibly helpful for people like me—they provide insights into my condition and guide me toward improvement.

I was recently diagnosed with NPD by my doctor following a psychotic breakdown about three weeks ago, and I’m currently on the path to recovery. I’m unsure how long the diagnosis was withheld from me—it could have been weeks or even many years—but a significant part of me wishes I had known sooner so I could have started addressing it earlier. That said, I understand they likely believed it was in my best interest to keep it from me at the time. The diagnosis has left me feeling a mix of emotions: I’m both relieved to finally have clarity and deeply regretful for the unhealthy ways I’ve dealt with this over the past 40 years. These videos have been incredibly helpful and informative for me—great job on creating them!

[saradejesus]

My father most likely has undiagnosed NPD. I like the little shaman YT channel. She makes an analogy between narcs and crocodiles. Crocodiles aren’t evil or cruel. They simply do what they do to survive. Same with narcs. It just so happens that narcs, like crocodiles, can do a lot of damage and cause a lot of pain, and destroy lives yet seem totally unaware of the carnage.

[amandajohnson-williams]

Thing I find annoying about narcs is that they are super sensitive, and need handling very carefully so as not to upset them in any way. You spend all your time and energy being super tuned in to their special needs, I guess like a petulant spoiled child. But when it comes to you, and your owns needs they rampantly trample on your sensibilities and feelings. It's totally one-sided care. Over time that just becomes intolerable. You are not being your authentic self around them because you are dealing with someone so fragile. It's exhausting and it becomes fake. If you have to continually pander to someone's super sensitivity to any hint of criticism you are not helping that person to grow. You are just enabling the behaviour to become more entrenched and unrealistic.

[CaroleZuke-zv]

I really like your presentation! I spent 8 yrs with a narcissist. He needed love and understanding. It has been a roller coaster. I HAVE a Developmental Psychology Degree.
In my life path the education was usefull. I put it down to Misplaced Anger. I would leave go back.
Tried to talk to him.
I did not realize it was never going to change. This last time I have blocked him. Taking me a long time to put myself back together. It got so bad that no matter
What I would was taken as an insult. If we were with other people it was OK he was good.
I am now healing.
Was brutal. Sad because I love him.
I identify with your presentation. Thx!

[ricargon.x]

Calculating is spot on. Narcissists know just when to say the most concerning and thoughtful phrases in front of others to look like the good guy, while they've already told you the opposite and have you riled up. Then the eyes focus on you as the one with the issue.

Calculating and manipulation are a narcissists forte.

[krysnm]

Wow. I actually appreciate this explanation of NPD. I by no means excuse their behavior... however, when you view it in a way that their perception is distorted it helps to understand why they act and do what they do

[ghilly_one]

i would think premeditated lies, smear campaigning, insulting digs disguised as jokes or maybe not even bothering to disguise it, suggest that they know what they're doing. it's best to just have compassion for them from a distance, through no-contact.

[marietjieluyt]

What a relief to come across a real expert on this mental disease.. Thanks!

[ijcmartinez]

I appreciate the compassion you bring to the subject. very much needed in this space

[ruth.rochelle]

I fell in love with a man that could be described exactly as you've stated in this video. It's only been a couple of months since I left and I miss him, wish with all my being that he had been the healthy, charming person he represented himself to be. He's not evil, but some of his actions and words definitely were. I can understand why some might think people with Narcissistic characteristics are demonic but they are really just extremely mal-adjusted and dysfunctional; hurting deeply on the inside and, as a self-protective measure, extremely lacking in self-awareness. It's heartbreaking and devastating, for them and for the people that try to love them.

[beepboopcomputerbrain]

Having had to deal with abuse from multiple narcissists over the course of my life, I agree that they suffer from mental illness and are miserable. I wish them well and hope they find peace, an attitude I try to extend to all people, but at this point I'm very intolerant of narcissistic behaviors and want nothing to do with such people.

[kathleenb]

It’s so shocking as a wife who after 15 years of crazy behavior starts becoming an enemy. Really its better to get out because they do actually start seeing us as enemies out to destroy them. We feel equally or more so betrayed by the extreme selfishness, entitlement and dark behavior. I’m just scared of him now.

[basalganglia]

Wow, , noone has ever taken the pain to explain this thing with so much clarity and empathy....no drama, only clarity! Hatsoff

[sweaters_and_harmony]

Good for you for speaking to the polarizing communities of narcissistic abuse. While we all long to have our biases confirmed, this is rarely where truth lies. Thank you for your perception on this topic.

[syourke]

I think you are very insightful about NPD. I appreciate your videos. I think it’s important to de-demonize narcissism and see it as rooted in childhood trauma and fragile self esteem. I think you are onto something here.

[baardbek]

Someone once told me, never have empathy for a lion that is attacking you, there will come a silence where it stops and you will show empathy knowing that it's not the lions fault for being so aggressive, that it's hard wired like this and it must be your fault for being in the lions presence. You decided not defending yourself anymore and remove the hate, anxiety and fear in your heart and replace it with empathy and understanding. You decide to turn around and walk away, thinking that you just show the lion you are not a threat anymore and it will save your life. So you walk away, or even trying to help the lion. All goes dark, with only a sudden pain and warmth feeling in your neck. You never wake up again. No more dreams, no more any thing.

[saltycrackerss]

When we demonize others, we are essentially splitting on them like narcissists do. It may seem simpler to view the world in black and white, but the concept of splitting is a defense mechanism typically associated with childhood and is not suitable for mature adulthood. The reality is more complex than a simple dichotomy. While individuals with NPD may be aware that their actions cause harm, they can be so consumed by their own triggers and impulses that they may not fully grasp the origin or appropriateness of their hurtful behaviors, which often stem from deep-rooted issues.

In situations where someone is attacked and responds defensively, their actions are often deemed justifiable due to a perceived threat to their safety. Similarly, individuals with NPD may perceive constant "attacks" around them, leading to their defensive and hurtful behaviors. The core issue lies in their genuine belief that their reactions are warranted based on how they believe they have been treated.

This dynamic is reminiscent of the tale of Don Quixote, a frail old man who mistook windmills for giants and felt compelled to confront them in battle, despite everyone telling him he was wrong. Like Don Quixote, these individuals grappling with their inner struggles often project their fears and insecurities onto external sources, interpreting everyday challenges as personal affronts or "giants" that require a defensive response.

He's saying that while it is totally appropriate to protect yourself from harm, it's not helpful or fair to demonize people with this disorder. See it for what it is. It's a shitty reality for all involved.

[carltrammell]

Finally I've found someone who can realistically talk about narcissists without projecting all over them. Bravo!

[natalieconlan]

I am bipolar 1. I have been in treatment for decades and I understand mental illnesses. I always gave my narcissistic bf a pass thinking he didn’t really realize how what he was doing affected me. Then I watched him in an argument with another man. He was horrible to him. Not unusual, but then got calm and cold and told the man every physical symptom and mental thought process the man was going through from his abuse. Then he smiled and laughed at him. And he came back and was so happy. That is when I realized he knew exactly how what he did to me made me feel. And I told him that I figured that out from the argument. And he spent the next two days pretending I was talking about everything else. Like I was upset he argued with the guy and others. But refused to acknowledge or accept my observation that he knows exactly what he’s doing. It was crazy. I have since left him and now healing.

[terjepedersen]

Thank you, Mark, for sharing the depth of understanding of what NPD-BPD is, and not fueling under an ignorant reaction, demonizing persons with this disorder.