3 Reasons Why Your Dismissive Avoidant Ex May Want to Stay Friends | Coach Court

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In this video, Coach Courtney Gatlin talks about 3 reasons why your avoidant ex may want to stay friends after the breakup.

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[corimcadams]

As a child the dismissive avoidant had a parent/caregiver that was emotionally neglectful; whether intentionally or unintentionally. Their attempts at connection as a child went unmet or, at best, inconsistent. Children get two messages about the world; either something is wrong with me or something is wrong with the world. DA's were conditioned to have both. In short, they crave the intimacy but also fear being engulfed. Any encroachment on their freedom is registered as a threat. This is a survival skill that kept them alive as a child. It is a protective part of them. The desire for intimacy often comes from their idealistic views of love. Remember their needs went unmet so they had to look externally for it; rather in themselves. The thought of being controlled send their nervous system into protection mode. It goes that deep.

This can be healed. It takes a great deal of work on themselves to see their worthiness and ability to trust that others will be there for them. They are used to doing it all for themselves by themselves. In short, it is attachment trauma.

[theguy]

DA's want to stay friends so they can get their needs met without having to meet yours. It's a difficult place to be. Better to cut ties and move on.

[smores]

Wow, that part about the “ex” (and I use that term loosely as I feel he ultimately diminished it down to a fling a/k/a casual) texting you but when you reply, they don’t respond back… is bang-on accurate! He always initiated texts yet when I reply back, he would then take 2-3 hours to reply with a 3 word sentence. Don’t be fooled by them reaching out and thinking it is because they miss you and/or want you back. They simply want validation and/or are bored at the moment. It’s called bread crumbing and those are men who have F-boy tendencies. Be rid of them because in keeping them around, you’ll invite a lot of confusion and anxiety into your life.

[alexandriamfuta]

Nope these people are so selfish and have no respect for anyone.Please gather your dignity and move on such people don't care or want you. please respect yourself, your needs are valid don't think otherwise.💀

[DW]

This is a fact. Most DAs only think about themselves and what they feel is a priority to them. Once that trust is broken for them its best to detach from the situation completely whether thats sex or emotional connection because you will never get what you want in the end. Most cases you will end up a side piece so its best to put value on yourself and seek out those who value your presence as a priority.

[busyazn]

Thank you! Reasons why your DA may want to stay friends:

1. Looking for validation or you met their love language. 1:40
2. They valued the connection you had with them. 4:00
3. May want to reconnect romantically 5:28
7:20 do not be overeager to reconnect. It takes time for them to rebuild the reconnection.

[janayewill]

I’m done once I’m no longer an important person in your life

[elle]

I don’t believe in staying friends with someone one was intimate with. It can also be for “friends with benefits.” No, thank you.

[TheJoshyCee]

I challenged that idea with the avoidant I was dating asking why they wanted to be friends when they were clearly incapable of meeting me halfway on even pretty basic things

[jackjanzen]

I think that in many cases it is the friendship that they value the most because they are lacking in emotions but when the partner has strong emotions, then the friendship doesn't work. A DA is always looking for his emotions which he can't find.

[ChristopherDonnerArtist]

I had an ex reach out after 2 months of silence saying she wants to be friends .

I honestly don't see a point to it .

I said sure but I'm not reaching out to her for anything .

[Flufero]

My ex FA monkey branched and still wanted me in his life as a friend. No way. I let him go without a tear. No complaints, no questions, nothing. I still have love for him as we did have four years together. I am healing and have moved on. NC forever for me.

[jacekbil]

We DAs have Deep feelings for you, thus at some point you have become too much, to needy or controlling and we become overwealmed. We feel confused as We feel we cant love as deeply as u do, for that reason we disconnect. When u threatrn to leave u ussualy hear "ok" from DA and we feel relief...after 2 montch we cry and grief that we allow such a great person go...We try to be friends with u as we know we cant give u what u want. Its not that we dont have feelings for just these feelings are sometimes just too much...is it abt validation? Hmm most DA u know are confident, independent and succesful as this the thing we have been forced to learn duet to our wounds and this is propably qlso why you are qttracted to us....I.dont think we crave validation that much....but be sure we know we are broken Deep inside and love is the only think we dream of as we cant have it...

[Geewunnerlife]

I'm easily replaced and quickly forgotten so I can't relate.

[uniquedavenport]

My ex would love to be friends with me but I wont allow it I'm not friends with any of my ex's and he is no exception

[ranarene]

What a great video! Thank you so much. I agree with all the reasons. It is important to remember, DA are not monsters, ussually they are just afreid people :/ (That doesn't mean we have to stay), but we can understandthem better, so all this toxic behavoir doesn't strike our selfworth.

[SS-ints]

Thank you for being such a. Positive influence and asking people to not vent their hate on here. Although I’m devastated, it’s comforting to learn about my DA ex rather than play victim and feel like he had bad intentions because I know he didn’t even though I feel that way when I’m in my feelings. It’s hurtful for me to also hear mean comments about him, because when you love and respect someone you don’t degrade them even if you have to leave them.

[jacknordst]

I think my DA ex would definitely rather just not acknowledge that I ever existed - because to do so is an admission that she knows what she blew up for *zero* logical reason... hilarious, as she was always claiming to be so rational / logic / evidence based. There was always some undercurrent of people being weak vs. strong (either explicit or implied) with the implication that any neediness (minimal from my perspective - I am very independent - but ya know, it's good to reminded that you exist to them once in awhile...) is a form of weakness... I was teased occasionally about being a drama queen... which was sort of funny at first until I realized it wasn't all just in good fun... but revealed an actual perspective she had toward me. And the thing that always used to get to me was she was always very outwardly self-confident and did / took / demanded what she wanted (in most situations)... just an overall "don't give f*ck" attitude that I'm sure was some sort of defense / survival mechanism. Depending on the context it came across as confidence, recklessness, and/or outright lack of empathy... But she wasn't any of those things in totality... just flashes of some blend of it... exasperating but intriguing in equal measure. What I ended up realizing is that they aren't *really* strong - in the context of relationships, they just externalize their weakness... they export it for their partner to bear the full burden and turn the pain and vulnerability inevitably exhibited by their partner as evidence that their partner is "weak" and not "strong" like they are... Have to agree with so many others here who have been blindsided by this - it is completely 100% toxic.

[cherisew]

Sometimes the connection is sex. Hold out as Long as possible, it is key..

[meple]

Coach Court I just wanted to say thank you for existing and doing what you do. You have helped me and plenty of other people through their healing processes. As a 19 year old you not only have helped me find closure in this pain, but you’ve also inspired me to help others just like you do. Now that is truly the meaning of an honourable life.