THIS Is How The Dismissive Avoidant Feels When Criticized | Dismissive Avoidant

In this video, Thais Gibson discusses why dismissive avoidants feel sensitive to criticism.

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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant

[neamyro]

My partner is avoidant but he opens up more and more to me, and he said those exact same words, he said that he deeply suffers any time I criticize something he does, he asked me to directly ask for clarification before expressing how hurt I am so we can talk about it without making him feel that he doesn't know how to love me...he's so sensitive to rejection and the way I express things are generally straightforward, even if it's hard for him he's now able to have emotional conversations without avoiding them. I really love him for that, I know how much effort he makes and even if I can't expect from him the easiness I used to have in my previous relationships, I know he tries.

[vizna]

i’m a reasonably self-aware DA who makes genuine efforts to improve as a person based on criticism. I always thought it was something defective in me to feel low empathy yet so starkly hurt when personally criticized, yet hearing about this really validates my experience.

A year ago, one of my dearest friends explaining to me how i was hurting her by my behaviors, massively triggering my issues. i processed in self isolation and proceeded to have a complete mental and emotional breakdown over it. The next few months were for keeping my shit together and trying to heal, instill healthier thought patterns, and implement the suggestions she made. We’re still distant-ish but it was a massive wake up call that i needed and though i fear it may happen again, i cherish our relationship more and want to be better for her and all future loved ones.

From my experience, DAs CAN change…the caveat being that they have to want it. They need time to self isolate and process, and have to be receptive to becoming better than they are.

If you’re looking for solutions, have a conversation with them about how behaviors can be adjusted, what your requests are, and how you can support them too. Are you being receptive to their needs? Are you making your needs clear?

If they continue to take criticism as a personal attack and refuse to change despite repeated efforts, it may not be worth it to continue. They have to learn how to cope with criticism, otherwise a healthy balance and communication between partners cannot be reached. You cannot change them, they have to want to change, heal, or learn to be better than this.

[rebecca_stone]

The problem is that criticism flows freely like lava from a DA's mouth. Makes it very hard to do gymnastics so as not to trigger their shame, when you're already feeling like a kicked puppy yourself.

[tequilabumbum]

So how are we EVER able to say what is bothering us about their behaviour, without them taking it so personally and everything blowing up 🤦🏽‍♀️
Its so exhausting…

[Nobodaddy]

So telling an DA they can’t take criticism is the ultimate negative feedback loop.

[Proximiti_Music]

This video has helped me waaaay more than the millions of No Contact videos I’ve desperately attached to for the past month.

[sage]

I think the biggest question here is why those of us here who aren't avoidant keep pursuing people who give us so little, breadcrumb us, don't ever prioritize our needs and aren't there when we actually need something, why we are fully present for people and patient who refuse to step out of their own way to try and meet us some of the way. I'm so sorry for the internal wound that created this, but as someone who went through this, therapy should be a must for avoidants if they want to connect and be in a healthy relationship with others. And therapy should be a must for those of us who don't know how to set boundaries for our own needs and leave when we realize we aren't going to get our needs met here walking on eggshells and pursuing someone shut down most of the time.🎉

[rupertperiwinkle]

All thanks to their unconscious parents with low emotional intelligence. The same parents some of them put on a pedestal and caretake —. Like your parent abandoned you, didnt meet your emotional needs early on, criticized, blamed, controlled you — yet you do for them out of Obligation. No healing. Just robotic living. What a sad state

[btrigwel]

I had a wonderful relationship with a DA. He leaned secure, and with some patience, he learned that I wasn’t criticizing him when I shared my needs, and as an FA, I realised he could show up consistently for me.

Unfortunately, circumstances changed with his job and workload and I couldn’t regulate each time I perceived he was pulling away, and my distress was perceived by him as criticism. We both moved toward being our less secure selves and ended up going no contact.

I am grateful for the wonderful experience we had for a few years before that point. It was a period of growth and learning for both of us. I was lucky to have someone who wanted to try.

[markcollins]

If they don’t work on this, then they aren’t capable of being in relationships. If they humble themselves, and be vulnerable, which is against their nature, then they stand a chance. It’s a catch 22. I’ll never date an avoidant again. They come across as cold and neglectful. No thanks.

[LSGO]

Any feedback is deemed criticism for them, even when you are just having a normal conversation about something that is not feeling right to you. Lots of internal work is needed on their part. They can’t continue to blame others for their lack of self awareness

[joenemosbar]

I totally understand it and it makes sense. But its still like really childish behaviour

[joycejones]

"You are not capable" etc. is what I said and was ghosted after 18 years. I was frustrated, and although secure most of the time, I let stress and frustration get the best of me. Our relationship was loving and intimate despite him being a DA. I have never experienced ghosting nor imagining such disappointment. I saw him dismiss family and coworkers. However, I never thought I could be so easily discarded. It's been 3 months of no contact.🥺

[rachhhh]

The problem is when they do things to hurt you which you rightfully need to bring up ( fault finding, flirting with others, cheating, put downs ) they just ignore you so they don't have to deal with it . Maybe if they didn't do shitty things people wouldn't criticize

[markcollins]

You can’t be in a healthy relationship if you can’t tolerate constructive criticism. It shuts out the other person and sets the stage for two people to move in different directions. The DA essentially abandons and neglects their partner, exactly what they fear being done to them. Ugh.

[Janna_Ash]

What kills me about this is that my DA can so freely criticize me when he sees fit. But he can’t take it in return. And even when I criticize him I still try to do it in a soft way, unlike the way he does me. Most times I don’t even allow myself to fully express how I see things because I know he’ll just shut down. But he can’t offer me the same empathy. Every time we make progress we just end up moving backwards again.

[christophermoyer]

These people have been traumatized as children. It’s not their fault. That doesn’t mean no one should ever have or pursue a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. I was made aware and it was a revelation. The connection with my wife is at an all time high. We’ve made strides and it feels good to meet her needs and be more productive.

[hgedchudfg]

Ive been with a DA for ten years, my heart is dying, they are the most cruel people on the plant!

[GabbyF]

They believe something is wrong at their core, they believe they are "broken" but the problem with that, is that you become what you believe, so, they behave in ways that will make them "broken"

[wulfclaw]

The nail in the head.
Exact best explanation !!
This is GOLD.
Too bad they will never admit it and try to work thru it.