Understanding Demand Avoidance in Autism - Why Autistic People May Struggle with Certain Tasks

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of demand avoidance and #autism. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #asd #orionkelly #autismsigns #demandavoidance #whatautismfeelslike

This video is NOT sponsored. Affiliate links are used where appropriate.

⏱ Index:
00:00 - Welcome
00:44 - Demand avoidance & autism
01:20 - What is demand avoidance?
03:29 - Examples
06:33 - What is PDA
08:40 - My experiences of demand avoidance
13:43 - Advice (How to help)

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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (YouTuber), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.

#AutisticVoices #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #Autism #OrionKelly #ThatAutisticGuy #ASD

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[Samdegraff]

Back when I was young, me and my mother had a heated argument, and once I had cooled down I planned on apologizing. M father then demanded I go and apologize so i couldn't. I told him: "The fact that you asked me to apologize makes it impossible for me to because now it's not apologizing because I wanted to, but because you told me to, so it's no longer possible for it to be sincere". So yeah. I feel you.

[bakerfritz]

I think some of it, for me, boils down to resentment. I resent being micromanaged. I resent people who seem to assume I’m not intelligent or aware enough to think of and do the thing that needs to be done. I resent what feels like the constant interruption and derailing of my own planning process by other people, because other people’s version of “help” is not only not helpful, it often makes things more difficult. The resentment, or the anticipation of it, is what seems to cause the neurological pileup and shuts down all the highways.

[jamaninone]

This is so validating. I have always been labelled lazy, difficult, and selfish because of this trait but I genuinely freeze when i feel the pressure of demands on me.

[justsomebloke]

I've developed a system of circling in towards tasks, where I carry out small incremental preparations for jobs I need to do so that when I feel ok to get on with the main part, I am not starting from scratch. I'm lucky in my living circumstances that I can do this because I have a lot of space both physical and emotional which allows me to be that way, and the people around me have finally realised that left to my own devices I can achieve everything that specifically needs to be done as well as the icing-on-the-cake stuff calmly and efficiently. I'm 60 this year and I'm the most contented I've ever been because I am living in the manner that suits my psychological makeup rather than under imposed expectations. So yeah, this is all consistent with my life experience.

[RainbowPyramid]

With my kids' demand avoidance, we gave each one a small white board which we hang up where they can see their board as they come out of their room. I find writing down things on the board really helps them and me. eg. if I have a chore I need them to do, by writing it down, they are able to process the request and do the chore (maybe not right then and there, but within the next few days). The white boards have been a game changer for our family (and greatly reduced arguments about who should be doing what chores when). We also write appointments on the white boards, so that everyone can see if one of the kids has an out of home appointment, they might have higher stress levels that day and may be less able to overcome anxiety for even basic tasks, and it also helps them understand why their anxiety might be high on that particular day.

[bbyncrnr]

I just sent this to my dad, as we have recently been smashed into the realization that we are on the spectrum. I’m 30, female. He is 60. Our entire lives people have always said how much alike we behaved. How much alike we are. How *different* we are, especially him. He is a lone wolf, he doesn’t mask. He is and always has been unapologetically his true self. So much so, that during social interactions, lots of times people will laugh and assume he is joking when he is being 100% serious and maybe too blunt, or too matter of fact. Maybe blunt enough to the point that the idea that he was being serious made the person so uncomfortable that they force their self to go along like he is being dry/sarcastic/satirical.

I sent him this video’ s link and said “watch dis. Let me know if you relate”.

He responded a minute later.
The response, verbatim:

“I will get back to you as I have a hard time doing something somebody demands me to do.“

[tmusa]

One of my favorite sayings: “When I say I’ll do something, I’m going to do it. I don’t need to be reminded every six months.” 😆

[Dontstopbelievingman]

When people think you're deliberately not doing something that you desperately want to do, but can't due to paralysis, it's really heartbreaking. They feel hurt or angry or frustrated, and you're right there with them.

[jonaw.]

This is why I burnt out of college! I thought I'd just grown lazy, or worse: not cut out for college! This genuinely surprises and reliefs me

[dumbdonny]

This 100% explains why I literally cannot force myself to go back to normal jobs. I work for myself now and whenever I consider having to go back to a normal job with a schedule and specific tasks I want to literally off myself. Thank you for helping me understand myself so i can be more compassionate.

[Doubtlessly]

I’m sitting at my desk crying. Thank you so much for this video. It’s finally put into words something I’ve experienced for years, especially during the pandemic. I’ve felt like such a failure, beating the hell out of myself for not doing what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s felt like a never-ending cycle of feeling intense anxiety about demands and then feeling intense anxiety about not doing the stuff I need to. I’ve felt like a brat like you say but truly it’s just intense emotional burnout. I’m grateful I’ve found this video … it’s incredibly valuable in my life!

[Alex-mfjj]

I have no idea where neurotypical people got the idea that yelling at/guilt tripping/punishing someone is a great way to get them to do something. I have yet to meet a single person who feels motivated to complete a task after being verbally assaulted about it

[Imustscream]

I was diagnosed with ASD late in life. When I was in 3rd grade in 1979 I asked my teacher for scissors Buy pantomiming scissors with my fingers. She insisted that I ask her verbally. I couldn’t. She got angry with me and I still couldn’t do it. I got yelled at pretty badly (for an 8 year old) that it stuck with me till now (50). I never fully understood why I couldn’t just speak up to stop the yelling (I later knew it was autism but I still didn’t understand). Thanks for the video.

[martinmckee]

The wheel chair analogy works for any number of symptoms of mental illnesses and developmental disabilities. I've been on both sides: as a special education teacher I had to deal with other teachers and parents that would say "they just need to try harder/ stop being so lazy/be more focused"; and as someone with chronic, treatment resistant, depression, I couldn't possibly count the number of times I've been told that I just need to be more positive, or choose to be happy.

I think part of the problem is that many people - even when they can access other people's emotions through empathy - are completely incapable of understanding that the processes by which decisions are made in their brain may, indeed be different for other people. They simply cannot get out of the framework of their own mind.

[seanrobinson]

I have a son who was diagnosed with ASD, but have been struggling to help him because I simply don't understand how he thinks or why he can't "just do something." I have never heard of PDA until now and THIS IS HIM. Thank you so much for making this video...I needed to hear all of this. I will stop asking him "why can't you just do it!" Now I understand. Time to do more research on PDA :)

[leahlei]

“Demand avoidance” labels the behavior, but not the underlying emotional motivation for it. I’m sure this varies to some extent by the individual, but the fact that this is a social reaction lends a clue. Demands/expectations come with the possibility of being judged by performance (accuracy, efficiency, organization, ability to prioritize, etc.) and these executive functioning skills may be emotional sore spots, where past criticism has triggered shame. It makes sense that one would develop anxiety and/or irritability around demands in order to avoid the possibility of triggering shame again. I have personally found the books/talks by Brené Brown and Kristin Neff to be of huge benefit in this area. They speak to the importance of building self-compassion in order to gain emotional resiliency—and a more flexible response to the expectations of others. ❤

[r.w.bottorff]

Wow, I'm absolutely amazed that this wasn't just a "me" thing. As an autistic middle aged man, a very reserved and soft spoken individual, I've been chided my whole life long for not having a more "mature" or even "manly" approach to tackling spontaneous problems that are an everyday occurrence in life, and I could never confidently articulate my innate inability to act in a more practical way to those I was defending myself against. Thank you for shedding light on this.

[jeffreypollan]

This is usually written off as procrastination. I’m happy to find out that there’s something else going on. Looking back, I’m amazed that I made it through five years of architecture school, followed by over four decades of (sometimes interrupted) semi-successful employment in architecture. At my graduation, in which a class that started with 50 students, ended up with 25, my father told me that I had a year to move away from home. I ended up taking twenty years, avoiding a difficult demand, despite emotional abuse from my father. Today, there are things that remain on my to-do list seemingly forever, sometimes involving phone calls.

[eucolecionodinossauros]

I didn't know anyone else felt that. Describes me perfectly. I still try to do stuff, despite the anxiety and dread, but it is hard and causes me lots of stress.

[incognito]

I am nearly 50 and I got Autism and ADD diagnosis 6 weeks ago... Even though I have read A LOT of material around autism the last 2 years (I started to realise I am autistic by then) in order to understand myself, I have never come across this thing... And this really shook me, all the way down to my deepest foundations. This is THE biggest single negative trait of my personality. It has severely impacted my life, career, marriage and health. And up until now I had no idea what so ever it had anything to do with Autism... So, I am sitting here now, quite stunned. This is one of those moments I will remember the rest of my life. Something just changed inside me. I can't thank you enough for this video, like 10kg of anxiety, self bitterness and self loathing just poured away from my body.

And now I have something to work with, because now I have identified the hurdle, now I can experiment on how to get around it instead of "trying to change". My eyes just opened, I can se the hurdles! I am no longer destined to fall over them. I have something I can work with!