Autism and Demand Avoidance (managing the need for control including ODD and PDA)

We have fancy medical names for behaviour these days...
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), etc...
What these things have in common is a need for control, and hence a strong negative reaction to being asked (especially forced) to do something. This is common in many autistic people even without any additional label, so in this video we look at what's behind this behaviour and what we can do to manage it better.

FREE GIFT AVAILABLE NOW:
A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO MAKING SCHOOL DROP OFF EASIER

Claim this free download by visiting our website:

---ABOUT US---
Hello! We are Paul and Shannan from Autism Explained!

We help parents understand their autistic children and create healthy supportive environments. By combining the experience of an adult on the Spectrum with a single mum who lives this stuff every day, we set you on the path to regain family harmony and actually enjoy time with your kids!

Paul discovered he was on the Autism Spectrum 4 years ago. Since then he has worked with countless autistic adults and children, as well as teaching parents teachers and students about Autism. He is also an ex-aerospace engineer with a passion for teaching and Emotional Intelligence.

Shannan is a single parent and carer of an amazing 9 year old boy on the Autism Spectrum. She is an ex-corporate trainer with a BA, currently studying a Masters in autism studies with Griffith University.

[lifetimeactor]

This is why I hate filling out multiple choice questionaires. None of the choices fits what my true answer would be, yet I'm forced to still check one of the choices. This forces me to lie about myself. It makes me feel like only "normal" people are valid, and it really grinds my gears.

[UnitiveSelf]

"... I have a lifetime of experience of other people not understanding my needs, so if someone else chooses for me they're likely to choose something that's not really good for me." 😯🤯 Amazing! This is a game-changer in my understanding of my own PDA.

[cathelinerunager]

I love how you described it as a “claustrophobia of being forced to [rigidly] conform.” That’s EXACTLY how I experience it, and it’s super validating to know I’m not alone.

[evetrescoemes]

This hit me so hard in the chest ... it's not about being difficult or contrary, it's about someone taking away my choice. It's about being forced into a situation where I might be made to feel uncomfortable and distressed, and not able to choose what happens to me. When someone takes away my agency, I have to go with whatever they choose for me, and nine times out of ten it will be uncomfortable for me because I won't be able to proceed in the way that I know works for me. Added to this is the fact that I have a strong sense of justice and fairness, and other people making me do something is simply not fair. It's not about the one dollar, or whatever it is about on the surface. It never is. It's about respecting me when I say 'no', and not choosing for me. Because when you take away my choice once, I don't know how far you're going to take it, and I'm so scared that this will be a slippery slope towards me being completely controlled by another person with no way out. If that were to happen to me, I would struggle so much to disentangle myself from that situation because I struggle to recognise my emotions when I need to and I struggle to stand up for myself and I am absolutely terrified of confrontation. I can't just say "it doesn't matter this time, I'll just let it slide", because I don't know what this is going to lead to. And this is by no means an irrational trait, it is a very valid reaction to my lived experiences.

[BunnaySango]

It actually made me so sad that the little girl was so used to force that she was confused to be treated like most adults expect to be treated, like an autonomous person.

[denisekriel]

My 11 year old PDA often tells me that she wishes she could say yes but just can't. This happens even when asked to do fun stuff. There is just to much anxiety around expectations or new things etc. I always prepare her very well before an activity. We talk it through and prepare for it. This allows us to go to the odd movie or to someone's house and so on. This is very different from ODD but easily misunderstood.

[eve_joleen_joli]

I am not diagnosed with autism yet, but what you described here with the ODD is spot on for me. I freeze up completely whenever I feel forced, and I had the worst time as a child with this when people forced me into doing things and I went nuts, and everyone just said I had bad behaviour and was being a difficult child.

[cerridwenrowan]

Aspie raising Aspie here. One of the things that I struggle with personally is that some of my daughter's sensory/comfort needs are diametrically opposed to mine. As an adult, understanding her needs I try to approach things sensitively and compromise where I can, but as an Aspie I sometimes get to overload point without warning which compromises my ability to deal effectively with her. Two key points on which we clash are as follows:
She is very sweet and one of her main comforts is always having something in her hands, which is not a problem, the issue arises when she wants me to have the same comfort. She will hand me a toy to hold and expect me to keep hold of it. I can't stand having something in my hand all the time. I have explained to her that I'm touched that she is looking out for my comfort and security, but mummy feels different about holding things. I tell her that I need two hands to do certain things, so I can't hold the toy and complete the task (something she is grudgingly coming to accept but I am handed the toy back as soon as my task is done). There is no particular value in the object I am handed, only in the fact that I have one. I have tried showing her that I am putting the toy in a safe place, I have tried having it right beside me, I have tried quietly "losing" the toy, placing it in a pocket or pouch. I've tried securing it to my wrist with a hair tie. As soon as she notices that it's not in my hand it is replaced or substituted. It really distresses her, despite my constant assurance that I'm OK without the toy, that I don't like having something in my hand all the time, that it actually really bothers me to have it in my hand the same way it bothers her to wear clothes inside the house. She seems to have a blind spot and while she does accept this approach for a lot of things it doesn't work here. I can't handle the constant sensory input, I can't handle the controlling aspect of her not giving me a choice (which I have also explained to her) and occasionally I snap and get to meltdown point, the toy gets thrown, I yell, because at that point I can't control my volume and take myself outside to give myself time to "reset". When I have I come in and explain what's happened and why I got to that point. This works for about half a day. I have also explained that I really don't like that I am pushed to the point of meltdown (she hates her own meltdowns) before she will listen to me. I have also point blank refused to take the toy (this stresses her badly and sets her up for multiple meltdowns as she is so anxious about my not having the toy that she can't deal with things she can normally cope with). We are making small progress, but it's painfully slow. She's nearly 4 and she's been handing me toys since she was a baby.
This comment is already too long so I will skip the second issue for now. Thank you for reading if you got this far.

[raynahasley]

I have thought I had ODD since I was a child. Only recently have I found the subgroup of EDA/PDA. I don’t want to defy - I just get extremely anxious when someone tells me to DO anything.
Growing up with abusive parents who would enforce strict rules that they would not follow themselves blew my mind as a growing child causing me to never want someone to think they know what I should do next. This affects me socially too and when I’m aware of it I HATE it, someone can be talking to me and giving me a non verbal queue and I will PURPOSELY avoid being effected by their queue??? Like I know they want me to see/do X and it would be normal to follow but I refuse… made it really hard to make friends back at an age that it really mattered. It’s wonderful that neurodivergent’s are sharing their experiences and helping us all discover more about ourselves.

[PMbeers]

My son was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and I knew that was a useless BS diagnosis. Persistent Need for Autonomy makes so much more sense!

[tamaragriesel]

This is so helpful to me. I'm a hypercompliant autistic (think "Ella Enchanted") but my oldest has a lot of demand avoidance--knowing how to deal with it, and being able to remind my inlaws that it's an anxiety response not disrespect or defiance is very helpful.

[vazzaroth]

Yep, that parking situation is already pissing me off sitting here in my chair, much less in the moment, lol. Sounds just like every time I've exploded about "the principle!" and my wife is going "Just pay $1!".

[zenamason]

That example with the paid parking reminds me of so many times I've encountered hidden charges and been really upset by it. The price also matters to me because yay lifetime poverty, but the point is that at a certain period of time before the money was spent, I had made a decision about how much I had been willing to spend. It's like your car parking. I don't drive, but I usually walk or commute via public transport. Before I even leave the house, I have an expectation that I'm going to spend at most $5 on transit costs. I would be stressed if I found out I had to get a taxi home or I hung out with a friend and suddenly they wanted to share a $50 taxi. I would wait until the first bus in the morning (usually 6 am) to avoid paying for a taxi. Why? It's not a cost that I planned, and there's this small thought in the back of my head that goes: "What if this starts happening every day? Are you going to make it your habit to start getting taxis everyday? There's no way you could afford that."

[Karlettastar]

Thanks Paul. "Give as much information as I've asked for".
This always bugged me. Especially when people repeat the last thing they said instead of starting again where I've asked.

Also saying - don't tell her/him - they need to learn on their own - is withholding information that we need. I believe we learn most often from *being told* the rules/ expectations/ boundaries.

[seaofglass]

Thank you so much. My husband was diagnosed with high functioning autism last year. Control is VERY important.
I also work with small children in dance classes. Force NEVER works. Inviting and giving options brings the most resistant kids in. And they are only resistant because they are constantly denied choices day in and out.

[jaseman]

I only just realised today that I have PDA and what you just explained makes total sense to me. Unfortunately the world is not going to change to accommodate my needs but having an understanding of what is causing my stress is helpful in itself.

[mlemmen]

I think the data-gathering phase is extremely important but also anxiety-inducing for everyone. Sometimes I'm not even sure what data I'm looking for. My mind is looking into all contingencies and try to understand the whole process.

[sgordon]

Yoga mind control techniques can help you because you can have the mindset that "I will deal with issues as they arise because I am clever enough to figure out coping strategies". Things do go wrong sometimes but that is life. Deep breaths and try to survive it for the good days!

[whiteleyadam]

Feel you man, I’ve recently come to terms with my PDA - and recognise my need to control and resentment from lack of choice over my life

[gojo-zndu]

5:15 offer important information + teach them to ask for any more information they think they need. Teach them to be aware of their own needs and thr reasons ❤