PDA Autism Explained: A Closer Look at 'Pathological Demand Avoidance'

guys, this took exponentialllyyyy less time to make and post and required way less demand and was more spontaneous and creative in the moment. i'' do longer vids too of course, cause a girls gotta talk, but i can also do more videos shorter what do u think???? i liked this anyway. i know the quality isn't as yummy. im gonna stop judging myself now! its about the information and its important for me to share! sound off below if you have pda, what are some demands to you that other people may not think of?

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Related: autism, autism diagnosis, Paige layle, paigelayle, paigelayle tiktok, tiktok videos, autistic, autistiktok, autistok, autism spectrum disorder, Aspergers, Aspergers syndrome, autism in girls, dsm, autistic kid, autism mom, autism family, autism speaks, autism awareness, autism acceptance, PDA autism, pathological demand avoidance, persisitent drive for autonomy

[grub]

PDA demmands- the worst is when im finally about to do a task I couldn't do...but someone "suggests" I do that task. So brain suddenly cannot. Also the demmand of deadlines...

[jnl]

Thanks for saying that minimizing obligations is a legit accomodation. I feel like most of society pushes the idea that the more obligations a person manages or carries, the more worth a person has. That makes my PDA go absolutely nuts. Teaching myself that im a worthy human being even on the days i dont get out of bed has been a journey. The conditioning i had as a child was so ableist and shaming. 😢

[MoteOfDust]

I just turned 71 neglected and made the family scapegoat from a very young age then married into endless trauma and just now realizing that I too am pda. I once spent 3 years basically in bed, taking the garbage out in the middle of the night so that I wouldn't run into anyone who is awake during the day and sleeping at night. It's all swirling away in my head. I am currently happily single (never mind telling me that I need a mate, boundaries up there), retired and have as few obligations as humanly possible. I force myself to be social every so often but it is so exhausting. Time for some more therapy but so many therapists out there don't link traumatized neurodivergent pda and retelling my history over and over again to find the right therapist can trigger me into a shutdown. But I'm still working on it and probably doing better now than I havr ever done in my whole life. Just keep swimmin'

[laerrus]

OH MY GOD. What you said about advertisements being a demand. You're so right about that. That's why whenever an ad comes on TV I scream "I DON'T CARE!!!" at the TV 😂😂😂 for the longest time I thought I was a horrible person because I hate when people give me suggestions or advice and I thought it meant I had less humility than others. But it's not really about that. It gives me a visceral ick. Its a bad physical feeling that I want to avoid.

[piricarroll]

I swear the autistic community knows more about how we are than any other source. I cannot handle pressure (or demand) well at. All. So I've learned not to put it on myself unless i want to feel bad about myself for not succumbing to it. I refuse. Life feels more gentle, easy, and flowy (and not traumatising) for me if i do it at my own pace, and in my own way. I wish we as a community could regulate our own community, instead of relying on doctors (apart from when we need medication of course) to tell us "how we are". Because we're truthful, we can detect if someone's dishonest (especially if someone were to fake being nd), we self identify our traits. And we'd name our afflictions with actual helpful words. I dislike the names the psychiatric community comes up with as they're damaging and misleading. I feel we'd come up with better descriptive yet unbiased titles. Pda? No. How about Self Paced Alignment or, SPA. Not actually this, but you get the idea. This way, you could understand from the title alone that this person requires living at their own pace to help them live a well life. 🤔

[MrLeFluffy]

Not only realizing I'm autistic but also learning _from the point of view of the autistic person_ what PDA entails and that it applies to _me_ has been life changing. In case it helps others, this is how it's shown itself in me:

In high school, when all my mental health and physical health problems hit me like a truck and went undiagnosed, I stopped doing homework. Entirely. _Even if I wanted to._ I remember in senior year, I had this entire essay about Ophelia in Hamlet planned out that I was _excited_ to write because I felt I had a unique perspective! _I NEVER WROTE IT._ I would sit at the kitchen table, take out all my supplies from my backpack, and stare at my untouched homework for _hours straight_ and refusing to touch it. I just... couldn't fucking do it. I couldn't.

Because homework is a required demand with a deadline.

To this day this persists with medical documents and making appointments. My dad has to do those things for me, because I just _can not fucking do it._

Also, one of the things I got into trouble with a lot as a kid was when me and my parents would go out shopping somewhere and, "You got what _you_ wanted and now you want to be done and leave. You were nice until we got _your_ things, and now you're being a brat!"

Well, I never had the words or even the ability to recognize that it was because shopping, as much as I might enjoy it, _exhausts_ me. So I would hurry us to get the _me_ part of shopping done, and because I didn't need to focus on what we were doing or we were going, I suddenly felt the exhaustion, the sensory overload, the boredom, etc (I was also undiagnosed ADHD until I was 17, so that didn't help!).

Even now, I struggle with a messy room. And I don't mean "messy", I mean it looks like a scene from Hoarders. Not because it's full of hoarded things and trash, but like... the "everything is strewn on the floor, nothing is in drawers and every article of clothing I own is piled on the bed and on the floor alongside all of my actual stuff" kinda mess. It's terrible. And if I wake up capable of working on cleaning some of it, all of that motivation will _instantly_ vanish the moment my dad says "Hey, maybe try working on your room today! :D"

Like, he means well, but the instant he mentions it, all motivation leaves and I just wanna throw everything I just cleaned back onto the floor and scream _"fuck you!"_

And I think it's because, the instant my dad says anything about cleaning my room, I'm no longer doing it for myself, I'm doing it _for him._ I'm not cleaning because I wanted to and was able, I'm cleaning _because he told me to._ And while obviously that's not true, that's what it _feels_ like, and thus all want to do it is gone instantly.

Also, y'know how some people say they _need_ deadlines to get things done? That if they don't have a deadline, they won't do it? I'm the _exact opposite._ The _instant_ something has a deadline, I _can't fucking do it._ Because it's now a demand, and I just _can't handle that._

Anyway, there's more, but I'm super tired and running late, so I'll leave this here 💕

[jjsmilemore]

My youngest son is PDA. In doing research to help him. I discovered he got it from me.

[nikolasscholz]

my coaching teacher once explained double binds to me. a usual double bind is when no matte what you do its wrong. he theorized that you could create positive double binds with clients, so no matter what they do its right. i think thats whats important to use with myself as an autist but also with other people, especially with pda. you can do this, you can not do this, its gonna be great either way, im gonna be here no matter what.

[crazyratlady]

I showed my mum some information on PDA and she said "Oh how lovely, someone wrote an article about you!"

[denisedarland]

I was diagnosed ADHD and Oppositional Defiant in 1982. I was 9. This was a time when girls never got diagnosed with autism... like ever, and it was practically unheard of to diagnose girls with ADHD. I was a pioneer. lol When I was a teenager when I got diagnosed with BOTH Social and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and when I was 19 one doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Turns out, I was just autistic. But that is neither here nor there. In the last couple of years I have been learning more and more about autism. I never heard PDA called Persistent Drive for Autonomy, but I gotta say... I LOVE THAT, because it was never really about avoiding demands. Although one of my favorite saying is "Screw you, I do what I want." That said, yes. I freak out when I am expected to do stuff. Saying it is like fighting a tiger is super accurate for me. When you make demand of yourself, like I am going to clean my room to-DAY! And on top of that you have executive disfunction where your brain say one thing and your body just says NOPE! And you just sit there fighting that tiger. It's so hard to explain it to people who don't experience it what it is like, because I can totally understand why it looks like just being lazy to some people. Going to a restaurant and not even looking at the menu and just eating the same exact thing over and over again because you trust that thing and it means you don't have to choose. It is all connected in a way that just makes life hard all around. I don't know if you can tell by this manifesto I have just written, but I relate to so much of this. Thank you for being such a role model for this community and for me... even though I am old enough to be your grandma. :)

[evanfinnian]

Hi PDA autistic here and homework is absolutely the worst thing for my brain. I had no idea why I couldn’t bring myself to do it despite desperately wanting to do well in school. This horrible dynamic lead me to many years of severe mental illness. I’m so glad I understand what was going on now and that more people are talking about PDA. Now I can actually approach my life and brain constructively and with compassion instead of punishing it with internal demands. I hope that soon people will understand the current education system to be child abuse and replace it. Maybe then we can finally start fostering a thriving society full of mentally healthy engaged individuals.

[argusfleibeit]

I think this is me. But, I'm starting to wonder if all of the people who "drop out" of society might have this as a basic part of their make-up. Refusing to get off of drugs, or follow the rules to get housing or shelter. I know I only got away with the life I have, because at an early age I was diverted into the "mental illness" track. I went on medication, behaved myself, and stayed home. Lived with my parents until they died. Now live alone on a small disability income with my cats. I always knew that if I had not been middle-class, and willing to give up most normal things in life, I could have ended up on the streets, probably abusing substances, and every bad thing that can happen to a person could have happened to me. This is not a good way to live, I urge anybody who is going down this path to do what you can to be different. I know years of medication and therapy only kept me safe, in my little shrunken life.

[mega]

I'm ADHD with a lot of traits that mirror autism (but not really enough for me to be confident in self-dxing and definitely not enough for an official dx) and my partner is AuDHD. He struggles a LOT with PDA, and it's something we've been working together on trying to find solutions for—making it clear that he might not be able to come when making plans was a big one, and another thing we find can help is a form of parallel play! If I'm brushing my teeth or taking a shower or going to bed etc etc, he finds it easier to just join in rather than initiate on his own... And feeling like I'm doing a task to help him rather than doing it for myself helps to overcome some of my executive dysfunction! It's not something that works all the time, obviously, but it's something that can help. It's something we do even long-distance—a common plan for us is "shower pact" days, lol 😁

[lauramason]

as a PDA auDHDer, i've recently been sensing that my PDA is actually quite extreme the more i learn about it. this video really validated that for me so thankyou Paige 😊 PDA is such bullshit though, i feel like im constantly parenting and disciplining myself so that i actually get myself to fulfil perceived and internal demands. and for me; literally everything is a demand. even things i like 😮‍💨 sometimes it gets so bad that thinking feels like a demand. apparently my first word i ever said was "no" so that was probably foreshadowing 😂 loving your content as always Paige, thank you for another entertaining and informative video ❤

[ryk]

I’m actually struggling more now than when I was a kid. I think back then, I managed stress differently and somehow found ways around it. Like I’d tell myself, I’m not doing x just because so-and-so wants me to. I’m doing it because I’ve decided it’s the best option for me under the circumstances.

At some point it’s like I stopped valuing my own perspective and basically became very lost.

[CassieHasYoutube]

I'm a psychology major with PDA and I really appreciate the neurological explanation of this. I also deal with CPTSD and the combination finds me reacting very similarly to you where the freeze/dissociation combo will take over. Really love the insight into your experience, great to feel seen in a shared experience!

[zrcioct]

when you have pathological demand avoidance and freeze as your main response! this is me. it makes everything sooo difficult. thanks for making this video

[evergreenforestwitch]

Definitely PDAer. I am 44 and didn't realize I was autistic until about 6 months ago, but this has been my lifelong experience. I would ask to take naps as a toddler because if I asked, it wasn't stressful but if my mom did I'd melt down. Anything that feels like an obligation triggers fight or flight, especially social obligations and work. I like my job, my boss and get to work from home but I spend more time hating and fighting against working (which is miserable and I hate it) than actually doing work tasks. Being on the clock, no matter how low stakes and accommodating my job is, is low key enraging. Having words for it helps, but I really want a way to opt out of Capitalism and I haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for a great video and a meaningful topic!

[sophiekrichardson]

I just came across this and it absolutely applies to me. I've literally had conversations with people on how personal autonomy is one of the most important things in existence and damn right I'm going to want it 24/7 and have it wherever and whenever possible. In fact, I've studied psychology and cult behavior since I was a kid as further protection to simply never, ever be controlled. The same with scammers, literally all around us. Believe me, if someone is going to even attempt to control me, I'm going to immediately get incredibly uncomfortable and find a way to put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY, or to exit the situation. Thanks for making this!

[SusanForeman]

Anybody else have trouble figuring out what's PDA and what's executive dysfunction?