20 Tips for Managing Demand Avoidance in Autistic Kids

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of managing demand avoidance in kids. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike

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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (YouTuber), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about providing validation and support for Autistic people and their loved ones.

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[Pete_]

These are great tips for adults too. I’m on holiday and I plan every activity to the minute. If there is any unexpected change in my very structured schedule I actually flip out. Thank you Orion.

[Omneyvdwatering]

So at the age of 50, i'm learning about this. And looking back on my life, i see that many times i ran into problems because of this. I'm still running into it right now. I was called stupid and lazy, And those were the nicer terms my mother used for it. I managed to finish highschool, though at a lower level than I was really able to with my intelligence. I went to 2 colleges and didn't finish any of them. Now in my later years i'm learning and understanding more and more and you're one of the reasons why. Your content is very helpful!
[edit] i'm at number 10 now and am realising my parents did none.. absolutely none of these. No wonder i felt so shitty all the time...

[Cnsalmoni]

Getting a tshirt that says, ” My child’s a wild free range roaming chicken or something.”

[Jenn]

Autonomy is huge for my AuDHD daughter. Getting ready in the morning was often a nightmare and ended in one or both of us in tears. Recently I had the idea to write out her morning routine on her favorite color paper and let her decorate it. Now she has the visual reminder, and she’s happier that I’m not constantly reminding her what she needs to do every morning which stresses her out. It’s not perfect, but it has helped tremendously.

[lindalincoln]

I think I do this....all the time. Crap, late diagnosis is such a challenge. I wish I had been diagnosed at a young age since I see people who are much more stable and able to even recognize what is even going on. This is a nightmare and I am not managing well. I am so grateful for this community...the only place I feel sane these days (o:

[suecollins]

Great tips, thanks. About the handwriting issue, I heard some researchers recently saying that if something is written it gets stored in a different area of memory to when something is typed. The handwritten memory box is much more likely to end up in the long term memory box than the typed. Also, thanks for not editing out your humour 😊

[salviaexpedition]

Sunlight and hot weather is one of my worst overstimulating things. I start to worry because I get heat strokes easier and sunlight gives me migranes and my skin burns easily.

[Crouteceleste]

The tip about the safe place that is not their bedroom is sooo useful. I remember growing up and until I was a young adult our home was so small and crowded that every room already had a human in there and sometimes I just needed to be alone to calm my hurt senses. I didn't have any space to exist peacefully outside of my bedroom. So my bedroom became both my safe place and my prison. I became depressed and I was frequently seeking escape at places away from home that didn't belong to anyone but still felt safe (libraries and bookshops, mainly). Until I became so depressed and burnt out I could not go outside anymore, so I forced myself to go to another country entirely for a year. I was outside most of the day doing physical work. It cured me (or rather, I cured myself) but it was very difficult to achieve. Now I have my whole home to myself and it's not too small so it's much better.

[CatalogK]

Pokémon Sleep and Pokémon Smile are fantastic resources for reinforcing healthy sleep and toothbrushing habits!

[mr_ekshun]

Oooooh I've been thinking of the weather one recently! I've been realizing more and more just *why* I seem to hate bright sunny days so much, especially in the desert climate I live in. Everything is way too hot (even if it's only 80F), the sun and any mildly reflective surface (including sidewalks/concrete) is too bright, the worst smells are extremely strong (trash, asphalt, car exhaust, etc), and so on...

[yateleyhypnotherapy]

And adapt all of the above to suit your child. Like the 10 minute timer…..we had 15 minute stop warning, then 10 min left, then 5 min left, then stop. This allows for computer saves, etc. as they might not have much concept of time. Then, DO IT. Once a rule is broken, it’s no longer a rule.

Great video, Orion.

As a parent of PDA (& person with PDA), the attitude was really important. The child needs to feel understood & accepted, even when they are difficult.

But what I found most helpful was being creative. While rules are rules & routine is routine, but FUN is vital. Races to do things, combine changes in routine with something they will like, put their chores:treats🎉 on a dartboard & the dart chooses for them (strategically placing the chores). I just made that up. I wouldn’t have done that due to holes in the wall or me. I’d use a box with slips or a list with dice. You get the idea. The more fun it was & the more control over it he had, the more likely it was to get done. I have to be honest, bribery with computer games worked the best.

But it all came down to finding a way to make HIM choose to do it. The more engaging it was the more likely he would choose rather than balk.

Oh! Peer pressure. A friend helped him clean his room and my was it tidy!

Homework was done at school (thankfully, those were the biggest fights). There was a “homework club” after school & as long as they worked diligently there, they weren’t required to do any at home. GODSEND.

Really great video. And very skill fully phrased to avoid the PDA/autism/behavioural debate that is constant.

Could I add that 20 years ago when there wasn’t much info about P/DA, I found the book “The Explosive Child” by Dr Green(e?) invaluable. While it’s a bit more about meltdowns, it includes most (all ?) of the strategies you list, along with others, as strategies to use as meltdown prevention. It also was really great as it taught me…. “In a fight, there are no winners”.

[amandy]

Thank you so much for this....and for the transparency of what doesn't work in your house too....that was everything

[TheCasey]

Saving to watch tomorrow at work to see if it will help me with my own avoidance issues

[kellyschroeder]

Thank you Orion. Once again late dx add here. As listening was doing an online puzzle. I still feel pressure on myself as doing puzzle to do it right and excellently. Thanks for helping me see some of my proclivities 💙👊

[angelikaolscher]

Autistic adult here. I needed to hear this.

[Crouteceleste]

I need a routine but I am so demand avoidant that I cannot follow a strict schedule, even if I planned it myself, and even if it's about thing I like ! I cannot even follow my own to-do lists, I found out that if I write something on it, it's almost a given that 90% on there will NOT be done. Also as a student, I could never manage when a teacher/professor asked me to maintain a task long-term by myself especially if it's something that will be evaluated in the end (ex : posting something weekly on the school's twitter, keeping a journal, working on a projetc, practicing a language daily on my own…).

[apennyforyouraspiethoughts]

Great advice Orion. My Daughter is almost 9years old, and we deal with demand avoidance every day.

[esm]

My son is who I think of immediately. He drags and moans and lets his older brother do all the work. I think part of that is he doesn't want to be yelled at for doing stuff wrong. I recognize the behavior from myself, but boy is it irritating. I try racing him or breaking it down, but on bad days he's just like that no matter what I've tried.

[tilbil]

My favourite video yet. Made me feel happy and a bit emotional as this is how I want to be able to help my son!

[stevenbigbee]

I Demand Orion Avoid being so frigging stellar awesome. With presenting all the goods on a subject so clear. Grabs my attention and keeps it..and must he actually know his shit always, and obvious gives a shit. Conversely to majority of others? Too incredible, blows my mind always. Thank you Orion Kelly.