Covert Isolation | How Narcissists Isolate You Without Saying No

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Tune in to hear the perspective of a self aware narcissist. That’s me - Ben Taylor a narcissist in recovery trying to promote awareness, healing, growth and change. I do that by these videos on here, TikTok, Instagram and Facebook.

Platforms I am on:

[yourbodyandu]

The first step to freedom was telling another person.

[jacquicc]

The other thing they do is sneak around seeing someone else behind your back when you don’t spend time with them, and you can feel that they are up to no good, so you don’t spend time away from them because you don’t trust them.

[prettyboymcfly]

Yea she would also always tell me not to tell my friends/family about our relationship because I was making her look bad when all I was doing was telling them the truth about the things she was doing to me ... alot of them told me it was toxic but all I would do is make excuse for her ... I feel so stupid

[chelceasurgenor]

My husband wanted to move me back in the woods somewhere so we wouldn't be around anyone. I said no! My dad has been sick and im not moving away from him. When I do go somewhere he calls me constantly.

[thinkinginn]

One of the tricks my ex fiancee did was always say we have communication issues whenever we had conflicting plans. He pushed for getting a calendar and I was reluctant. I felt like the calendar was just going to be meaningless in stopping the 'confusion' but I decided to give it a try anyways he'd stop saying this would solve everything.

First, I filled the calendar with a few things I knew weeks or a month ahead: stuff we were going to do together, my stuff with my friends, and some activities I'll do solo. He complained that the calendar was only full of my things. I told him it only looks that way because I was the only one putting stuff on there. He still was upset about it and I was annoyed because I didn't know what he expected for me to do until he asked about each thing that wasn't stuff we were doing together. I didn't change or remove them, but he also didn't add anything to the calendar. 

When the plans would come up, however, they never went smoothly for me. He'd cancel last minute on things we were supposed to do together so we'd just stay home, and it felt like every outing I had to do with friends always seemed to magically fall on a day he had something to do with work, his friends, or family he needed me to attend with. And things I did solo? Constant questioning: 'What are you doing? How long will you be? Why are you doing that alone? No, I don't want to join you, but I don't get why you're so adamant to not spend time with me.'

Even if I stuck to my guns and went with friends or did my own activities, I'd have frequent calls and messages. 'When are you coming home? I miss you. Why do you never invite me out to hang with your friends? Are you still at the thing?'

(It's not that I'd never invite him out with my friends, every time I did I realized he acted like he didn't want to be there and then would try to blame my friends or anything else leading to his mood. I decided to minimize his time with them as they noticed his behavior, and at one point in the relationship I noticed they hung out with me less because of it.)

But when one event happened, I apologized to his family for running late and the last minute changes, and they looked at me strangely. 'We confirmed things in the group chat days ago.' Same thing with his friends when I eventually got annoyed about dropping everything to do things last minute. 'We're sorry you're upset...but we talked about this with him last week.' Again at another event with family, which I ended up going to over an event I was excited about.

'We explained everything in the group chat we're in. We planned this weeks ago and he even picked the day.' I asked if I can be added to the group chat to help mitigate any confusion in the future since their nephew seemed to be forgetful in filling me in (and, also, forgetting my plans) and before his relative happily began to add me, my ex said 'no'.

'It's a FAMILY group chat for a reason, ____.' And he glared us down to make sure she wasn't going to add me. As a reminder, I was going to marry into this family. I tucked away somewhere, embarrassed and angry, until it was time to go home. I didn't care about his half-hearted apology later, mainly because he still found a way to say I 'overstepped' by asking to be part of the group chat.

I came home and wiped the calendar clean, which at that point, still only had my events on it. It was just another tool used to control me by me being transparent and honest and him weaponizing it against me while keeping me in the dark. As my therapist at that time pointed out, we didn't have communication issues. He was omitting and lying to control my movements and what I did and if I called him out on it, blamed it on 'poor communication'.

All of this to say two things. One, normal relationship solutions don't work in relationships with people who have NPD. They weaponize them to further their own interests. Two, isolation tactics can come in many forms, but the key things to note are the following:

Is it always when you are doing something without the N that leads to this behavior? Do you notice you always have to change your plans, but they never change theirs? If you tried to communicate your concerns, is there actually a solution being implemented?

[missywoo]

They also keep u from their friends and family members so they can slander and make up lies about u.

[monikathomas]

I can’t believe that my ex even guilt tripped me about doing chores instead of spending time with him! He would literally get mad and say ‘now I have to be alone again’ After that I started feeling anxiety every time I wanted to spend the day cleaning my house! Over time my house became a mess and I felt like my life was falling apart.

[edgreen]

Do something outside. Get out of the house. Use your boundaries to tell them what you will or won't do. Don't fall for the guilt.

[lisajones]

Made me believe that other people did like me; that there was something wrong with me so that I was incapable of having friends. Made it seem like he was the only one who could like / love me. I’m not sure how he did it but that is what I came to believe. Then I realised that the friends I did have reacted to me very differently to what he told me. Their behaviour did not match up to what he was telling me I was like. I’m Still trying to accept that I am not useless & unlikable, but I’m working on it.

[terrancemcclendon]

Move you to another state so its easier to manipulate you

[cherrybacon]

As soon as I wanted to do my own thing I was accused of allsorts. The only time he was ever remotely satisfied was when I was ill and unable to move from his place, but as soon as I recovered and went out I was accused of being up to no good because I cleaned myself up and looked presentable. 🍒

[edenjennings]

This. For as many times as I have said I felt trapped or smothered... But then the response was I haven't ever stopped you... Even something as simple as going to the store had to be a family trip, or I was accused of intentionally excluding them. We were broke, I rarely went anywhere, but if I tried to make plans without them either they would just invite themselves along or I would get the hard core guilt trip. If I tried to make plans with them for the things I enjoyed doing it was always cut short because they weren't enjoying themselves. I was made to feel guilty for working, I was made to feel guilty for going back to school. Always told how I was never home. Until the day I finally snapped and said point blank I was suffocating... since then it's been nothing but injured backlash. Trying to smear my name. Project back on me. It's crazy making behavior.

[rebekahjette]

💯 Truth! Tried to keep me from going to the new Elvis movie last summer with a friend because he was jealous of Elvis.

[prettyboymcfly]

My ex did this to me ... whenever I would tell her i was going to hang out with my best friends she would always say " nobody wants to hangout with me" and guilt trip me into canceling plans with my friends

[lizapedersen]

My ex. Narc always said “what about me🥺” if I were eating dinner with my girl friends.

His biggest concern were if I weren’t home to make dinner for him.

[monikathomas]

9:05 ugh the dreaded energy shift. He was doing this all damn time! Then when I pointed it out he would get mad that I criticized him. These people really zap your brain. It’s always something with them! Never content. Always some passive aggressive games

[anniegreen]

My family would offer to pay for my plane tickets to visit them out of state. But my husband would say " Oh they'll pay to see you but not me?" 🥴

[samco]

I was with a guy who did this. So much to the point I was terrified to leave the house and leave him, for 6 years because the covert isolation then became increase jealousy, which turned into threats to harm and stalking.

Not saying all will escalate to this, but it’s a risk.

I left when the last one would ignore me after I ever went out.

The last situationship I had, he would also start to silent treatment me if I had other plans and didn’t drop them for him.

I dipped out of the last two relationships quick smart when I noticed that pattern.

[leeannflynn]

This is really hitting home. Thank You, Ben.

[michellemoore]

My narcissist forced me into polygamy when pregnant with our third child with the girl he was cheating on me months before I knew about her. Which made me ashamed to be around friends, family or work. So I quit and shut out everyone. This was after ruining my friendships and pushing me away from my family who’s religion is against polygamy. Away from my church. I had no one but the girl who he bring into my home and him. Who completely abandoned me and my kids who were living in the same house. After I tried to leave and had little support and had to come back, he punished me by shutting me out emotionally and physically. Heard them being intimate daily. Yet I’m the bad guy now for filing a vpo.