Narcissists and performative empathy

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[susiesalome]

The narcissists in my life did nice things for me BUT treated me horrendously . For a while I thought I had to put up with the bad behaviour because they had helped me out. My true friends have done nice things for me AND treat me kindly and with respect. Doing nice things does not entitle a person to mistreat!

[genevalawrence]

"It's not empathy - it's theater." Yes! As the daughter of a communal narcissist, this behavior pattern is SO familiar to me. Thank you for giving it a name.

[loverlytoday]

Performative empathy is rocket fuel for cognitive dissonance.

[yasminelyndle]

"I needed the money but I needed the self-respect more" oh my GOD this sent shivers down my spine. As someone who has multiple narcissistic family members who use money as a means of control, nothing brings me greater joy than rejecting them, regardless of how much money is involved.

[eVaniwithaV]

THANK YOU FOR THIS! 👏🏾 THIS IS DEAD Performative empathy is part of their "mask" and trying to get people to perceive them as normal/validate their false self.

[mendingmandy]

My narcissist displayed the ultimate act of empathy: taking my twin and I in after our parents died. Everyone thought she was a saint. She talked to other people about us lovingly at times. She would light up and have this convincingly pleasant laugh and made sympathetic faces. Behind closed doors, where was the empathy? She was a monster. When my best friend died in a tragic car accident she was cold and disgusting. After his wake, I collapsed in a puddle of grief on the floor of my bedroom. She came down and asked me, "Why are you so upset Amanda? It's not like he was your husband." Still sends a chill down my spine.

[dr.taniabielak]

100% right on, Dr. Ramani. The intermittent reinforcement really does a number on the survivor of a narcissistic relationship - intermittent reinforcement keeps folks coming back, and the sense of ‘this person is actually ok so the problem must be me’, ayyy there is so much good stuff here… thanks for your work and excellent content.

[JoannaSternbergYoutube]

"performative empathy" is the PERFECT way to describe and sometimes they even have a specific voice they talk in when being "empathetic" or they start dramatically looking into your eyes and sighing to show they are "listening and feeling"

[Cekatu]

There is something about performative empathy that leaves a sinking hole in your stomach. You instinctively know that something is not quite right with the person's "empathic" actions. The "performance" and the felt insincerity just does something to your nervous system.

[malindarayallen]

I noticed that narcissists will often "catastrophize" me in order to performatively empathize with me. They will often insist that I'm doing much worse than I actually am, so they can swoop in and "rescue" me or express false sympathy. I've learned to steer clear of people who need to act like I'm a helpless fool who needs them to survive. I've come to understand that it's a form of gaslighting.

[dorkusamericanus]

This is why when I hear someone call themselves an empath I immediately look at them with a side eye and assume they’re actually the worst. Those who are truly empathic don’t need to announce it to everyone

[annekenney]

My mother volunteered to help a little girl to read at the library when she was older. When we were children she never helped us with homework. If I was proud of a paper that I had written and wanted to read it to her, she would roll her eyes and ignore me.

[blaisegirl]

This is what my mother does- she acts like she’s the savior and super altruistic person when she has an audience. I like how you said they do this to fill up “the manipulation bank” because that’s exactly what it does. It makes so many people flying monkeys even after they see the patterns of abuse. “Oh I know your mom has issues but she helped me that one time” and it’s really sad. My mom never gave me 1/2 the empathy she gives to others because she didn’t have to- I was already under her thumb from birth so she felt she could do whatever she wanted. And still to this day the severity of difference between her true self and her performative self is night and day. To narcissistic people the most important thing is appearing better than others and they will do anything to make themselves feel this way. This is why dr. Ramani is right about the trauma bond concrete- because people let her bully and narcissistically abuse them because of the “nice” things she does for them. They do the nice things so they can feel justified in abusing those around them. They let that performative empathy boost their ego and convince themselves that they’re better than everyone else and then abuse them. It’s truly disgusting and It’s honestly one of the hardest things for me to let go. It hurts to be tricked like this and it hurts to see people I love tricked like this- I hate that narcissistic people ruin everyone’s life’s around them but they are so two faced some people don’t realize what’s going on. I hate it

[lulumoon]

The performative empathy a big part of what can isolate you. No one believes how they treat YOU, therefore you must be the ungrateful problem!

[Bornintoclusterb]

Great topic. I think performative empathy also helps them recruit flying monkeys. They live by the ethos, “it is better to look good than to be good.” Everything is optics with the narcissist.

Joined your healing program! Thank you for everything, Dr Ramani ❤️✨

[elilevine]

Real empathy is kindness and thoughtfulness when no one is looking, not petitioning for endorsement of others, thanks again for your work it is brilliant!❤️❤️❤️

[itm]

"Tactical" ...What a terrific word to describe one of the many perplexing behaviors of my N. parent. Frequently, my parent cloaked herself in the self-selected role of rescuer or helper for acquaintances. The deeds themselves were noble but behind closed doors, I heard the tone of annoyance, or was it resentment? My parent lived off the praise and the reputation it garnered in the community. Weird how that empathy didn't show up at home.

[savvylady]

A malignant narcissist I have encountered would physically and mentally abuse her kids at home and then would do acts of pseudo-empathy for others as a cover-up, so people would never catch on what a horrible person she was.

[maryhatleymeyer]

My ex husband used to love when we went to church each Sunday, to carry our baby, and hold my hand as we walked into church or back to the car. It got him so much attention, especially from the sweet, elderly ladies, who thought he was so loving and caring a father, having the baby in the carrier sling. I never got to hold our infant at church. Of course, that was the ONLY time he wanted to hold the baby, or hold my hand. As soon as we got home, he’d jump out of the car, and the baby was mine til next Sunday!

[sophialeman]

Thank you for naming this! It’s almost political-feeling, the way narcissists give gifts. It helps explain why I always felt so uncomfortable accepting gifts or favours from narcissistic people. They think they own you or you owe them. It’s not really gifting or kindness at all!