Neglect in Childhood Pushes You to Expect Real Bonds Too Soon

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A big reason why people who were neglected as children struggle to form stable, lasting relationships is because of insecure attachment. You might RUSH in and get enmeshed with someone you just met – and then freak out when it becomes clear that just because you’re sleeping together, the commitment and predictability of a real relationship isn’t there – or isn’t there YET. If you’re not clear what you want – not just in your mind but in your words and actions – you are unlikely to get what you want. And the shame of it is, you may be pushing away perfectly good people, who like you, but are put off by the odd behaviors that come out of you when you’re trying to hide how confused and freaked out you are. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who feels crushed that someone she's just begun dating isn't "there" for her.

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🟢 *Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?*
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.

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[NatalieZii]

Discovering these letters is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
They’re just amazing real world examples of how childhood trauma leads to bad relationship choices bc what we were raised in and had normalized often makes it so we can’t see clearly.
They have helped me so much and given me more compassion for myself and others.

Whenever I listen to a new letter I find myself saying, “Oh honey” a lot. And for this one when the guy asked if she was more into polygamy or monogamy, I was like no monogamous guy would ask it like that! Girl!!!! Red flag, red flag, red flag sigh. Also just out of an eight year relationship that ended badly- healthy people know to not date someone like that so soon. Says he wants monogamy and then says “for now” 🤦🏽‍♀️.

I get Anna saying that she may have been shutting him down in her language by emphasizing being friends with benefits but I think she definitely had reason to be concerned.

[Wandering]

It´s unbelievable how the parents are the ones responsible for extensive forms of damage but we pay the price twice as they usually have functioning lives while we struggle and spend decades in therapy.

[Noemi-um]

I think he was playing with her. He kept hinting at polyamory and asking her about it despite claiming that he wanted monogamy. I think she was right to feel insecure and confused by this.

[deborauzumaki]

I don't think you were feeling too much too soon, Clara. If you really like someone you'll just know it. It doesn't take that long to realize your feelings. The purpose of taking things slow is to get to know your potencial partner's values, if you're matchable, if it's reciprocated...
Just be cautious on how much of yourself you offer right in the beginning. Sometimes, people can't reciprocate us on the same level (for whatever reason that is). But you deserve to be with someone who likes you just as much as you like them. Period.

[Smurfygurly]

Sounds like he was treating her like a girlfriend and enjoying the gf experience but not wanting a relationship. This is so difficult to experience and would confuse anyone.

[varsha]

This is the first time that I disagree with Anna’s prognosis. Anna’s a saviour, but Clara, girl, this guy doesn’t sound like good news. I’ve been in this situation very recently and god did it NOT end well. What’s important to note here is that Clara didn’t ask him to commit to her after two months, she merely asked if he was willing to CONSIDER having a relationship with her at some point in the future. He didn’t have an answer. If I’ve learnt anything from Anna’s own videos, it’s to steer clear of such people who don’t align with what I want. I went out with a guy, also for 2 months.. We said “I love you” to each other, and 5 days later he left me, saying he didn’t want a relationship. I found out a week later that he was seeing another girl; in fact, he had been seeing her while we were going out. Since we were in a similar situation like Clara’s, I felt like a right fool as my whole life kinda got derailed and all of my trauma wounds bubbled up to the surface. It wasn’t a relationship, but that did nothing to lessen the pain. Btw, this guy also casually brought up threesomes and was obsessed with sex. Thankfully I didn’t sleep with him. I do surmise that he may have left me because he got to have some easy sex with the other girl. When people tell you who they are, believe them. If I were in Clara’s place, with what I know now, I’d RUN.

[siobhanhogan]

I didn't feel this video had a balanced approach to the situation at hand. The burden of living with CPTSD is not one you can carry alone. While we are responsible for working on it, you cannot learn to trust others without developing relationships with others. It's completely normal and healthy to want validation from a romantic partner, especially 2 months on! You're in that "honeymoon" phase of things - it's meant to be "romantic". I was broken up with yesterday for pushing away and opening up a bit about my circumstances. I felt so much shame until I realized I didn't need to!
I wasn't given a real chance to have a relationship with this person cause they decided to shut down more than I ultimately did. We're allowed to have our moments and be met with grace and compassion from others. We're allowed to take time and process our feelings so we can better articulate them. It's so easy to put all the blame on yourself when you have CPTSD, and I don't think Anna was very supportive of Clara and her self-worth.
If someone is going to dump you cause you're "too much" or "not enough" for them, then it's not someone you want around you.
Don't feel like you have to please a man and be/act a certain way just because you're a woman! Everyone deserves love, regardless of where they are in life.

[Noemi-um]

She wasn't asking for commitment but was trying to figure out what he wanted, since he said one thing (he was looking for monogamy) but hinted at polyamory repeatedly. You don't want to date sou that's not even looking for what you're looking for. That's good to find out early on.

[Noemi-um]

Your instincts are right. Listen to your gut. He outright told you he's afraid of commitment. I think he's stringing you along. You know it will hurt you, so you're trying to separate yourself from him. Well done. Rip the bandaid before you fall more for him. I don't think he's emotionally available to you (or maybe anyone). Sounds like he's currently looking to date casually, possibly multiple women at the same time. That's fine, but it's not what you want, and he's not being upfront about it with you. That's dishonest and manipulative of him. Trust your gut.

[Leothecommenter]

I actually relate to Clara a lot, I think she is not intense or manipulative, I think she is quite clear that they were just beginning something, BUT, when se felt the inconsistency in her partner, she defaulted to the abandonment wound and looked for reassurance in a title or commitment. I think her gut was right, something was off, and of course as many of us do, she tried to keep him, instead of dealing with the harsh truth.

[leonablack]

Not being intimate with someone cancels out all problems when dating. When it doesn't work out you haven't given your heart, body and soul. It's madness to tell all and give all to a total stranger! They might look good on the outside but who is the character behind that. If the guy doesn't agree with the idea of taking it slow, that's a big red flag.

[Caroline-rtqx]

Don’t sleep with people you’re dating until you both agree you’re in a relationship. Don’t have children until you’re married either.

[a.dsadventure]

5:14 If someone im dating... Randomly ask me if im interested in polygamy or monogamy? Then yeah I'll probably end up spiraling into the questions just like Clara.

[chocobere]

Whether the letter writer asked too many indirect questions or not, this guy is giving confused answers, and is clearly not interested in anything more than her body and the fact that she's kind. He's here to bask in that kindness, and have a sexual relationship.

Letter writer is very young, not feeling confident or worthy enough to state what she's looking for and enforce it with boundaries.
I assume she's looking for love and a committed partner which is very fair :) but this guy is not it.
He's of his own account "afraid of commitment", which many guys say a lot (instead of "I just want a f*ck buddy I can feed off emotionally too") funny how they don't have an issue with committing to regular sex.

There's nothing of substance here for the letter writer's needs and wishes. Your time and person will come honey :) best of luck

[LouAnnBagnall]

I understand that having sex with some one is extremely intimate. It joins you to that person in the deepest most intimate way.This binds you to that person. This is the way we were made. It is not for recreation. It establishes a bond, and tears out a part of your soul and emotions if the relationship ends

[_orange_coffee_]

Anna has helped me so much. I can now recognize what’s healthy attachment and what’s not.I was in a long distance narcissistic situationship for just 3 months but it affected me a lot. I thought what we had was a spiritual bond. I put myself through so much just to be accepted by him. I found this channel last year and I now know that it was just limerence. It took me almost a year to regulate myself and realize this. I’m still healing but finding your channel was like finding light✨
I hope everyone heals from abandonment wounds. You’re doing a great service❤

[vanyastaleva]

I'm sorry but two months it's more than enough time to know that you want to try a relationship with someone. Yes, noone knows if it will succeed but you know if you like the person enough. It's actually very telling if a man for that time still doesn't know if he wants to try a relationship. In the beginning both people are bombarded with bonding hormones anyways. So that's actually a bad prognosis. You are sending her to someone who is - "nah, I don't care what this is. I'm not going to try to assure you I want you around"

[hp]

I feel this. I'm currently dating this guy, and I have certain expectations that we need to communicate everyday (LDR), and there were times when he gets very busy and doesn't communicate as frequently as I wanted to, my emotions go hay wire, i get insecure, i feel like I am too much, but ... I also recognize that I am being unreasonable at times... so what I do, is that I write all my negative emotions in my journal... then in the end... I tell myself... I've been sweet, we communicated that we like each other, we communicated that we are both busy, we communicated that we are NOT in a relationship but we are LOOKING forward into being one in the future especially when I move closer to his place. I tell myself... just... trust the process.. which is a very HARD thing to do.... then, he always... he always comes back to me after the dust of daily life have settled. He gives me his time, and we communicate again.

[latinlover]

At 2 months he can commit without committing to marrying you. This dude definitely wanted to sleep around. She dodged a bullet. No one in this generation waits 6 months to sleep together. I waited 2 months in my last and that felt like an eternity.

[mammamonssterr]

Maybe I'm wrong but I don't find it that crazy that in 2 months you'd want an exclusive relationship lol not a super serious commitment like "I will definitely marry you someday" type of way but yeah, a monogamous one where you're still getting to know each other but you don't want to see anyone else and you're developing feelings. If you really like the other person and you find them kind and caring, why not. I think she's not wrong in her feelings because what she's saying is that they not only had s e x (I don't want to get banned) but they had intimacy. He's sleeping in your bed while you're making breakfast and getting ready to do some telecommuting? I'd think it's getting somewhere too. And he's aware of her problems and he's seeing that their intimacy and closeness are triggering her but he's still sleeping with her and staying in her place? I'd be confused too. Idk.