You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally

In this video we explore the advantages of not taking things personally and why it's a crucial skill in today's world.

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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Introduction
01:33 - Narcissism
06:32 - Identity defect
09:16 - Taking responsibility
13:22 - What a narcissist doesn’t do

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Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provide medical services or professional counselling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved one are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.

All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.

[papucsallatka]

"You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally"
And I took that personally.

[Kurayamiblack]

So a big part of what I'm hearing is "Stop identifying as your behaviors so you can start changing them" 🤔

[xKumei]

"Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

[amarok]

When I stopped drinking five years ago, 90% of my problems disappeared. My happiness and friendships have increased exponentially.

[poelogan]

This actually helps ALOOOOT with shame. Realizing a lot of factors or obstacles are outside of you and they AREN’T YOU makes facing the obstacles much easier

[loganblackwood]

I stopped taking things personally at around 25, when I realised whatever I said in earnest was intentionally distorted and misconstrued by people motivated to have me painted a certain way in the eyes of others. At that point I realised there was no point trying to have people see you positively who work extra hard to justify disliking you.

[jokku]

The way I understood this video is that you should look at yourself as a complex system with many components, and instead of thinking "I'm dysfunctional from the core", what you should do is think "What components within me are not working as intended to allow this bad thing or criticism to happen?" and then "isolate" those components to start fixing them

[depresso___espresso]

I need to re-learn this because my mantra of 'dont take things personally' also led me to keep a lot of mean spirited ppl in my life, who, funny enough, used the excuse of "dont take things personally" to justify their behavior. Because of this, it's muddled the lines for me

[jungletroll]

makes a lot of sense to me. Taking responsibility makes you feel like you can do something about your situation while simultaneously improving yourself and your life

[SpitGoblin]

i think the issue a lot of us have with "don't take it personal" is that people tend to not feel validated in their feelings and that obviously stems from SO much more than the situation that was taken personally. it's sooo difficult but the ultimate truth is that once you truly start to heal you DONT take things personally! it just takes time and work.. a lot of hard, personal, difficult work!

[HungerSTRKE]

Oh, gosh. Once I dated a guy who literally told me, "It's not you, it's me." I asked him to explain. He said: He was a criminal on charges and the only reason he started dating via apps was to teach his girlfriend a lesson for not being enough for him. So he went on a date with me as a punishment to his girlfriend, and then he just told me. I couldn't even believe it. But later that year I checked the circuit court record and sure enough he went to jail for theft. He told me to my face, "I'm not a good person. You shouldn't trust me." Sometimes people tell the truth. Listen to them!

[hummingbird]

Would it be too far-fetched to say that people who take things personally most probably have a past of people attacking their identity when they made mistakes? I think it also has a lot to do with shame. If you have a shame identity, every criticism feels personal, like a confirmation that you are bad, worthless person. I have been degraded and called childish by my mother a lot of times because I didn't do something. To give a specific example, my mother used to yell at me frequently for not keeping my bedroom tidy. She would say things like "You are such a child, you're acting like a 5-year old. Aren't you ashamed? A normal x-year old would clean their room." Now every time she simply says "Go clean your room", what I hear is all the things above. Because in a way I know that this is what she believes about me. And then I get triggered and refuse to do what she wants.

[mickdavies]

I think a big problem today is that the vast majority of people won't speak up when they think there is a problem because they want to 'be nice'. There are also a lot of gaslighters who will say whatever gets them what they want.

So people grow up with neither a sufficiently callibrated compass of how they should be or an understanding of how to find people that can set them straight.

Coaches can help, but there is an issue, in that many (not all and I'm not referrimg to any particular company either) of them will either (intentionally or not) say whatever is neccessary to keep their clients payimg them. Its just human nature to act in a way to follow the incentive structure

[luga]

It ist just incredible how taking things personally happens so fast in the brain. When I try to think rationaly and try to take responsibility i am already overwhelmed by those bad feelings.

[aawillma]

This is such an important topic with respect to rejection. Most people who take rejection personally are not narcissists, but the act of taking rejection personally IS, in fact, a narcissistic response.

[dead_nn]

One of the best and most important things I've seen on the internet. It's strange that most people who struggle with that are the most empathetic people I know, and yet it's a narcissistic mechanism. For me it's bizzare and i will also use it for myself

[azryasyrani]

Does makes sense to me. Alot of the time I feel like "I'm annoying my friends", "I'm a bother for always being negative", "I shouldn't be hanging out with them right now cause my head space isn't at the right place" despite them always trying to get me out. I was scared to be vulnerable but one day I took a step and told my friends how I felt, and they were really kind to me. Then I started opening up to my family and they were kind too. To my aunt's and cousins and then to friends and old friends. I just took the first step and be vulnerable.

It turns out most people like to listen, and are kinder than you think. So I was projecting this image of them antagonising me for my success and failures, which wasn't fair at all because knowing them all, I knew they weren't like that. But in addition, if you have someone who does antagonise you after you told them how you're doing and feeling. Maybe they weren't your friends/family all along and just cut them off. Thats what I did. That's what healed me and made me look forward in life

[meganquinn]

I have some of this narcissistic flea. My mother would always throw guilt and blame when something went wrong, so it's difficult for me to not take things personally. I'm working on my self-compassion, though.

[c_rem]

One of my friends said it best when i asked him for advice while i was struggling in a problem in my previous relationship

"You're not fighting each other, you're fighting the problem"

[SteveAustin-hw]

This is very helpful. I haven't heard people identify me as a narcissist, but it is often pointed out that I get defensive too easily. I have come to realize how much of my behavior and thinking has been shaped by wanting 'others to like me' . Looking through the eyes of others helps, but now I understand to take myself out of the picture and see the issues and behaviors. THANK YOU for the insight.