When Narcissists Discard and Devalue: The Late Stages of Codependent Narcissistic Relationships

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In the devaluing and discarding phase of a narcissistic codependent relationship, the dynamic starts to shift noticeably. The partner who once seemed loving and attentive begins to pull back, becoming critical or indifferent. This leaves the codependent feeling unsure and trying to figure out how to win back that affection. As the relationship progresses, the narcissist may continue to withdraw, making things feel increasingly one-sided. Eventually, this can lead to the narcissist ending the relationship altogether, which can leave the codependent feeling lost and hurt as they navigate this sudden change. Navigating the end of a narcissistic relationship can be difficult, but by setting the right boundaries you can break free of them for good.

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The narcissist is capable of feeling infatuation, but not love. Once that cools off, and inevitably it does, they get bored and lose interest because they don’t enter the love stage like normal people do. They are just going to get bored laboring over you and thats precisely how its going to feel to them. You are like a novel toy that suddenly isn’t novel and they seek a new one. Of course if you damage their ego thats why they will move on. Even if you keep supporting their ego they’re going to want something better, or just different and novel. The narcissist doesn’t care about you, and, why settle for the adorations of just one person when you could get it from many? That is how they think.
So, they will stop giving you attention. They will stop clicking like on your posts, stop texting, stop calling… sometimes they might throw you a scrap here and there while phasing you out just to keep a hook in, but it won’t be much. They won’t fake smiles or try to start conversations with you anymore. They might even slime you with negative remarks to create distance so that your attention won’t continue to annoy them. Basically, the novel appeal of a new toy is gone. That is all you are to the N. They never saw you as a human, an equal, because they don’t have the empathy it takes to see you as that. You were merely something to make N feel good, and when you aren’t needed anymore, thats that.

[daphneknight]

I ended it at THE first sign of it in the dating phase. So proud of myself.

[BRGMAN]

The most textbook version of a narcissist I have ever come across in my 28 years. The most self-centred, fake, insecure, attention/validation-seeking person I have ever met. The worst person I know and I’m not exaggerating. It makes me sick that she lives her life believing she is a decent human being. Genuinely. Zero redeeming qualities. I was tricked and conned into a relationship with her because I was naive enough to think she could love somebody enough to change, and because I have something unhealed inside me that wants connection and love so badly that I would betray myself by enduring endless abuse. Live and learn, people.

[lulalane]

Wasn't aware of financial abuse until dealing with a narcissist. They will bankrupt you. Their financial crisis is never ending.

[andrewlevas]

Having clear boundaries from the start is the key. As soon as they start criticizing and devaluing or do things you asked them not to, it’s time to use the nearest door. Make sure to lock it behind you.

[fortheladies]

This is the best explanation of narcissistic behavior that I’ve ever seen.

[jean-bm]

Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other.

[mxkhrjt]

Thank you.
My ex-wife and her family took everything from me. I’m past it, now, but it is very helpful to hear you narrate my story so that I can see and understand how it all went down.

They took my financial security away from me. Still, I’m better off and am thankful that they no longer hold any power over me. I tried to warn my now ex-wife’s live-in boyfriend, but, of course, he wasn’t having it. I tried. In the future, he will come to realize that my warning was true. But my ex-wife will have already destroyed him in her mother’s and sister’s minds. And because they know better than to question her, they will join in with her as she runs him off.

These narcissists are destroyers.

[EdelweisSusie]

What I learned (once I realised my partner was a Narc and abandoned me) is ASK QUESTIONS. If your gut is telling you ‘something’s up’, rely on it and probe, probe, probe until you get answers so you won’t waste years of your life like I did. If he’s evasive, stalls and - like my ex did - answers your question with “how do you mean?” (giving him time to formulate an answer), dump the idiot and let him drown in his lies.

[jrelevates]

While they are courting you, be aware they are also courting others at the same time, often sending the exact same messages and photos to different people. Any attention is good to them. They will get on dating apps all over the world, just to get attention. They are lying to everyone.

[piotrmarcisz]

Hoovering after you discarded them has also more or less hidden vindictive energy because they lost control over you when you walked away from narcissist. They need to get it back and punish you for such a 'crime'.

[chocolatecookie]

The ending is very tough but true. They dont respect boundaries. And if you are in a vulnerable position for example being alone and lonely it is very easy to ignore the red flags and accept the love bombing. But they dont truly care about you. They give the impression of loving you and you tell yourself they love you but it is an illusion. It really messes up your mind the contradictions you get from them. Once you start loving them the confusion gets worse because they dont love you.

[somewhereinthemidwest]

Married twice to narcs. One grandiose and one passive aggressive. 25 years with the first and to date 23 years with the second. Both cheated. Repeatedly.
Neither was worth it.
Looking forward to a new life soon at 65 years old, ALONE.

[austinking]

This should be taught in a life skills class in highschool. This playbook always happens to a tee with these demons.

[demigaines]

Thank you So Very Much For Sharing This I Needed To Hear This I Am A Victim Of Narcissitic Abuse This Person Has Ruined My Life My Self Confidence Self Worth And Self Esteem. I'm In Total Devaluation After Yrs Of Emotional Abuse and Psychological Abuse. I Was Discarded Cruelly The Narcissit Has Nothing to do with Me As If I Never Existed This Is What Is Keeping Me Stuck. IM Struggling to Detach I'm Severly Depressed. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS BRUTAL...

[Sadune]

I rejected him for 3 years and then was with him for 3 weeks and left him immediately😂 I already knew these patterns from my parents, so I'm immune to these games. It hurt a lot and was very hard but I am incredibly proud of myself.

[caralee]

Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality — at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims.

NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's.

However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you.

They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!!

[jrelevates]

Ended it, no contact, at all. 7 years ago, best thing I ever stuck to.

[L.RaeHoldt]

I was discarded while still living with him. He hid an emotional relationship with his ex and he treated so coldly during that time.😢
They flip their personality overnight.

[jenniferhall]

This guy has completely and accurately spelled it all out! I've never heard it so perfectly described as what this man described.
Married 30 years to a covert narcissist. I always saw "bad behavior" or a temper but it wasn't until I was 48 (I'm now 54) that I dug deep and discovered who I'm contending with. The chronic lying about everything and anything, the selfish behavior, the disrespect, the walking on eggshells and if you don't, the Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde rages. I think I'm in a discarded phase. Does the cheating have to be a person? Can it be something they replace you with?