Depression in an Autistic Female | AUTISM IN GIRLS

A raw, informal, unscripted video of what a depression spell looks like for me, a 24-year-old (at the time) female on the Autism Spectrum. This video is a downer and very intense. Please watch at your own discretion (TW).

In the video, I talk about what depression looks like in me when it hits me hard. I feel guilty for everything and like I don't deserve all the amazing things God has blessed me with. Depression is not something you can just make go away. It is a disease, and you are not alone if you experience depression.

If you do experience depression, don't be afraid to go see and talk to someone about it. I have seen a therapist since I was 14 years old, and it has always helped me. Just getting your feelings out of your body can help. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to reach out to a help hotline, or even me if you need.

Always remember, your life is WORTH it. YOU are worth it!! No matter what your brain tells you, you are amazing and your life matters.

Instagram: @OliviaHops

Autism - Autistic - ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder - Autistic Female - Autistic Girl - Autistic Girls - Autistic Females - Late Diagnosis Autism - Autistic Adult - Female Autistic Traits - Females with Autism - Girls with Autism - Autistically Me - Olivia Hops - Depression - Autistic Depression

#ActuallyAutistic

[kristinyaekelnegley]

Why does it seem like the sweetest, most gentle and caring people struggle with depression the most?

[BrideofJesuChristo]

Girl, because you posted this video I could get out of bed and shower.
The entire shower I am yelling at your voice (that’s talking in the video) in your head and disagreeing the entire time.
YOU. Are. Helping. Me. Right. Now.

Thank. You.

YOURE NOT A DOWNER I WAS DOWN AND WE WERE DOWN TOGETHER!! DOWNY SISTERS!

I’m beating myself up for not moving forward with my kindle publishing projects.
But you ending your life would be like taking all the lightbulbs out of the world.

[kimberlygiagnacovo]

Trying to will away depression is like trying to will away a roaring case of diarrhea. It cannot be done.

[RealTalkwithBellaTT]

Feeling your pain. The depression is one of the worst parts. The fact that it’s constant bouts.

I can feel it coming on and I simply can’t stop it. It’s like I just have to ride the depression wave until it’s over. To everyone out there, please stay strong and hold on

[davanchiii]

I've never had someone flat out explain how I feel to me . I laughed with tears running down my face watching this

[tiiaj]

Yes, this is what my depressive meltdowns are like too. And often after a regular meltdown, whether an almost meltdown or a major one, I can go into a deep depression afterwards. It can last from a half day to a week, depending on circumstances. It’s incredibly hard to get through.

[corinnecomeau]

I know this is 2 years in the future, but you have no idea how truly validating your videos (including this one) are for so many people. ❤️

[XHeartCriztalx]

the meltdown part - i completely understand. i have my routines and my scripts, and there are times it feels like i lose my mind and start to spiral when those routines are broken, or the scripts stray from what i had mentally prepared myself for

sometimes my entire day and mood hinges on one spark of joy i've set aside to enjoy later - like a bowl of cereal, right? but when that joy is unexpectedly taken away from me... it's like my mind and body are convinced the world is ending... in a way it is, when you have autism, depression, and a slew of other mental health issues, and your one handhold is taken away, whatever it may be that day. you're in free fall

anyways, don't know what my point is. just, i know what this feels like and thank you for a video that helped me feel less alone. i wish i had more autistic friends in real life

[Marla]

I'm not sure if I'm on the autism spectrum, but every one of your words on depression resonated with me. Thank you for voicing it so well. I hope you are doing okay

[ladystardust]

I am on meds too. Undiagnosed hfa female 53. The health system in my country is quite happy to dish out free anti depressants and beta blockers like they are sweeties, but it refuses to diagnose my asd.
Every night I wish to not wake up in the morning. Every morning I wake up dissapointed because I am still here.
Nobody who doesn't have clinical depression can understand what it is like.
Keep posting. Thanks again 🙋‍♀️

[kaylaschroeder]

Those that say to us with genuine depression, "Just get on with it, move on, " have no real understanding that it's just not that easy, nor do they seem to really sympathize appropriately.

I really, really relate with your experience, Olivia. I have suffered with depression my entire life, as well. Oftentimes, debilitating me to remain glued to the couch, watching tv for hours and days as the back of my mind processed whatever it needed to process while the front of my mind checked out. I still utilize this today as a coping mechanism when I'm depressed or severely depressed. Everything has a gray tone to it during these phases.

When you said, "I don't want to get better..." that sent a familiar shockwave through me. The depression rumination is powerful and permeating. Also when you talked about being around friends when you're depressed, but needing to mask... I felt that straight through me. 🎯

[herahagstoz]

When my brain starts acting up exactly like this I have developed this critical habit of remembering to be kind to myself and not to judge myself too seriously when I’m literally just beating myself up inside. It’s never easy and it always feels like shit at the time but the instinct to remind myself that compassion is not negotiable has really helped me snap myself out of these feelings more gently and with less anxiety than I used to. And every year it gets easier. This and anxiety meds have made my life so much more positive regardless of how my inner critic decides to act on any given day or space of time.

[samspade]

Hi Olivia. I’m a father of a daughter who has been trying to explain to my wife and I the struggles she is experiencing. She has been trying to let us know but we’re just not able to understand until recently. Your raw and honest video has helped me to understand better and I would like to thank you for that. We are looking to get her some testing and diagnosis but are still trying to understand things. Again thanks for your powerful video and helping others. I truly hope you are doing well.

[patriciadepiazza]

Olivia you are the best! I’m a 57 y/o who has struggled thru life feeling exactly like you are describing in this video, I’m currently down my rabbit hole desperate to climb out. I know I will eventually and am learning to try and not put too much pressure on myself because that tends to make things worse. I can’t thank you enough for your videos, they’ve encouraged me to seek a professional diagnosis. I have been diagnosed for depression in my 20’s but not for all my other issues. You are truly one of the most beautiful human beings I’ve never met. You will be in my prayers.

[HopeWins]

You are not the only one. My daughter was much like you when younger and excelled at life, won awards for art and academics. Even got a college degree and began working. Symptoms started showing up but we didn't know anything about it back then. My daughter is to the point now that she is unable to hold a regular job. And I bet she feels a lot like you!

You're going to have good days and bad days. It's just the way life is. You have people around you who love you and want you to have a happy and productive life.Hand You have to solve the problems as they come. Some days you can push through and some days you just CAN'T. And that's OKAY, too. Take life in smaller bites when it gets like that. What are you going to do this morning or what are you going to do for the next hour.

Try your best to adjust to what your body is telling you that it needs. Just don't let it pull you into a ditch. And if it does then get some help. Get somebody to pull you out just like if your car slid in an ice storm and you ended up knocking over a mailbox and sitting in the ditch. Call someone to tow you out. That's what we do. We help each other. And we move forward together. Make sure you have someone you are talking to that knows the real truth about what's going on. That is your secret weapon.

You are an amazing person. It comes through on the videos. You have a good heart. You are valuable no matter what you say or do. We are glad you are here . You can have a bad day or a bad season. It's not a bad life.

You just have to get through the hard ones and hope for the best tomorrow. I'm so thankful I ran across your videos!!! I hope my daughter will be able to find you, and feel better seeing how much you are just like her.

And when you have a good day make sure you write it down so you can read through it later to help remember that they are not all bad days. Take out pictures of the little guys in your life or your pets and let them bring you Joy. Put on some music from times that make you happy and do something like watch movies that can keep your brain in a different direction. Naps are a perfect distraction! A reset to get through the day. I do that for myself many days. Maybe listen to an audiobook. Sounds like reading your aspergirl book would help on some days, too.

Things do get better ...if you just don't quit. Take that strong will from that little screaming baby determination you know you've got inside of you and just never give up on getting through your day... even when it's one day at a time. Thank you for putting yourself out here to help other people. It's a real gift. I'm in tears. You just have to do the best with where you are, and what you have on that day. That's all anyone can do. Wishing you all the best. It's now 2022 and you are still a keeper, smiling or tears. I said so. 💓

[radiostatic]

I think I'm autistic and this video was really eye-opening (and tear inducing). Thank you.

[libby]

i relate to so much of this :( i'm currently awaiting diagnosis as i strongly suspect i have ASD based off my experiences. The bit about being unable to hold down a regular job or find the motivation to make money hits especially hard for me, especially now we're in a pandemic so the employment field has changed massively. I really can't handle the uncertainty and feel like a burden to my family as i can barely fend for myself and feel so guilty for relying on my mum so much and failing to do basic tasks that should be easy. My sister attempted suicide several times a few years ago and after seeing what it put my poor parents through i could never do that to them but i have no desire to live in this world and feel trapped in it out of guilt.

[jphel]

I understand how you feel since I'm also autistic and I also have depression, tho it's gotten better recently. And I know how hard it is, people who have never been through it don't know how painful this is. Meltdowns often make me very depressed too. Your struggles are valid. You seem to be a great person tho depression prevents you from feeling like you're one. I've discovered your channel with your last video. I'm not a girl but I was assigned female at birth, tho I'm transgender so I'm a boy, but I'm perceived as a girl and I go through the struggles women with autism go through, and it helped me feel less alone. I support you and I send you love 💖

[maryamjoha]

We're in your corner honey. You can do this! There's always help and you are always loved!

[Observer]

Dear Olivia, I’m so glad I stumbled upon this video today.
I am 66 years old and was diagnosed with depression at age 25. Only recently, 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with autism as well.
I was amazed and touched when the exact words I used to explain my depression to my mum were spoken back to me by you in this video.
Thank you for being so extremely brave in making this video. Three years down the track it is still helping others. You are a good and kind person, no matter what that voice in your head is telling you.
May I suggest you focus on managing your autism for now, because it might help to lessen your depression.
Wishing you all the best