Signs you were raised by emotionally immature parents: how to recognize and heal

Complete transcript: Signs You Were Raised by Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Recognize and Heal

Person 1: A sign that you were raised by an emotionally immature parent, is your whole life feels like the focus is on your parent and their well-being. You feel bad or even guilty when you do things for yourself or when you have a life outside of theirs. You were essentially raised to act like an emotional thermometer to your parent from a very young age. Always having to know exactly what they were feeling or what they were thinking. And anytime you went to set a boundary, they reacted like ti was a rejection or personal attack. Because in a way to them, it really was. In a childlike way, they can't understand autonomy or needing space. And when they don't listen or respect your boundaries, because you're so emotionally messed with them you believe you're doing something wrong or you're responsible for how they feel. And the truth is you're not doing anything wrong. By having boundaries or the space you need to build your own life on your own terms. And while it may be scary or even terrifying, to start claiming your life it really is the start your own healing.

[DamePerdita]

“They can’t understand needing space.” Only when it’s _you_ needing space. _They_ are allowed to need space away from you—their child—whenever they feel like it, regardless of the child’s needs. It’s only _your_ boundaries about space and engagement needs that are tacitly irrelevant.

[jecicox]

An emotional thermostat, really. Not only did you have to know their emotional state, you also had to regulate THEIR emotions FOR them.

[cindisowder]

I didn’t realize the level of strangulation and judgment my mom had on me until she passed away. Then I was able to see how she tried to control my every decision and thought with gaslighting and guilt. It never felt good but I wouldn’t have been able to articulate how much she did it until then. If you’re afraid to tell your parent to back off, understand that when they die it is a complete silence with zero input. It was overwhelming at first. And then it hit me how much my life never felt like my own and how miserable it had always made me feel.

[JulesB]

Enmeshment needs to be discussed more often. I think this is the root of suffering for a lot of personality disorders.

[LunaMoon]

You lose your own sense of self and just become what they want. You lose 'you' and that's the part I grieve the most, the loss of experiences, relationships, living my life for me because I gave it up to appease them. I'm so angry and grief stricken over this and the trauma continues to insidiously harm my current self as well.

[nickg]

I’m in Stage 3 liver failure and in need of a liver transplant. My mom feels abandoned because I can’t meet her needs. “What about me” “What do mean you can’t drive 7 hours to visit me”.

[babetweirdgirl]

Generational abuse can contribute to this. Dad SA's his daughter most of her childhood. She falls in love and her boyfriend finds out about the abuse snd everything gets exposed. Her family blames her for leading her dad on. She marries her boyfriend, moves away, and starts a family. Except she is still a hurt little girl and there isn't affordable help for SA victims. She can barely care for herself let alone kids. Oldest daughter (me) grows up caring for mom's emotional needs and the physical needs of siblings. I feel guilty for having my own needs. All because one guy couldn't keep his hands to himself, generational trauma.

[scoobysnax]

I was literally told (as a child/teen/young adult) by others around me that I had to be the emotional support to this person and that my behaviour (whatever I was doing or not doing) was the cause of this person’s unhappiness, when in fact they are highly manipulative and never happy with anyone except a very select few.
It’s a very heavy burden.

[szszszsz]

She berated and terrorized me for experiencing my own feelings, my own thinking. My own body. My own head.

[spacegirl]

This is 100% my relationship with my mother. Recently I started to recover memories of my childhood and teen years with her, and I remember I was incredibly clingy. Deep enmeshment with her, which was what she wanted. I was an extension of her, a mini-me. She wouldn't regulate herself so my bro and I had to do it. I did it the best as the empath.

My life was dedicated to her comfort for nearly 30 years. Now in my 40s and now that I know what happened, I have detached and I talk back. She is stunned at how mean I am. After having been under her thumb for so long, my attempts at being my own person and not always making sure she's okay, involved, or consulted is construed as malicious.

Painful truths in this short. Thank you, Nicole. Internet fist bumps to all y'all survivors. We're gonna be okay.

[presley_yt]

Raised by two. Became an empath with cptsd.

[BipolarCourage]

Unprocessed trauma can result in difficult relationships. Emotionally unavailable parenting (including emotional smothering) really does have an impact into adulthood.

[JessAnonymous]

My mom always takes things personally. Like damn can i be introverted in peace?! She has a lot of healing to do still, but i applaud her growth so far. Just cant be around her too long bc i dont wanna trigger whatever emotional wound she still has. Shes hurt me far too much for me to continue worrying about HER feelings when shes literally never cared about mine til recently. Thatll be a disservice to myself and i cant put myself through anymore emotional heart aches, pain, stress etc. I deserve to live a fullfilling life ❤

[alanaxstitcher]

This gets worse when they get elderly and live in assisted living. Now I feel guilty for not checking all the time because she is “old and sick”. But she still has the energy to treat me poorly 🙄. Thanks for the video!

[kaitlincox]

So true. Even as an adult she acts the same. The other day i was upset and crying. I told her i needed a minute because im feeling sad. She reaccted by screaming "im done." She walked away and slammed the door. I know i didnt do anything wrong but i felt like i had to make her feel better. Its exhausting.

[edgieresurreccion]

This is exactly how having narcissistic parents and family feels like

[inekethomson]

The way I see it is a lot of people think because they are married they are automatically mature, same if they have children they see themselves as mature. But most of the time they are hopelessly immature.

[CatMTravels]

Another sign of having been raised by an emotionally immature person is never being treated fairly (and then accepting that from others as an adult)--also an example of inadequate boundaries--because of their poor judgment and selfishness.

[aywancfc]

This sounds like my mother—while I think she was also emotionally available, she was also very highly emotional, meaning anything could set her off and she could get angry or upset at the drop of a hat. It made me feel obligated to take care of her emotional well being at the expense of my own. There are still times when I feel obligated to encourage or connect with and support her emotional well being when I really don’t want to. I find myself responding to her when I really don’t want to, and having to put my own feelings on the back burner for her. To some extent I know this isn’t healthy..

[audreona]

Yes, I’m now 30 years old taking back my life. My mom still sends me messages with a positive sentence at first and then ends the conversation with some guilt she wants me to feel. I’m glad I started therapy.