What “I’m Not Ready For a Relationship” Really Means

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So many of us who grew up with trauma live as “divided selves” – longing for real love, but playing along to keep people around who DON’T want that – not with us, anyway – but who are happy to soak all our attention and time Iand of course, sex). Your ability to believe you can change how they feel by giving them all you've got – but never honestly finding out how THEY feel about you – is a classic ADULT manifestation of emotional neglect in childhood. And as long as those old wounds are driving you, you’re going to end up with same kind unreliable love that was what you had to settle for as a child. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is trying to flip the script on a partner who isn't "ready."

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[LindaDanvers]

"I am not ready for a relationship" is at best a soft No. It usually means "I consider you good enough for sex but not for an actual relationship".
Take that for the clear insult it is and write the guy off. You do not want to be with someone like that even if he would consider you good enough to marry.
When you are looking for a committed relationship, do not settle for less.
If you are a decent person who is looking for casual hoop-ups, you stick to people who want that too. You do not toy with the feelings of people who are looking for a serious commitment.

[stillpril]

When you grow up with abuse and neglect red flags look like warm blankets

[prettypuff]

They leave out the end of the sentence “…. with you”

[HashtagAPI]

It should mean run. I stayed for 6 years when he kept saying it in so many different ways he didn’t want a relationship

[rturney]

I was rejected and treated poorly by my family. It makes me so sad 😭 to see her self esteem issues are not her fault.

[RockinTUtah]

If a man says he's not ready for a relationship, then he's not ready for a relationship. Stop trying to change him. Move on.

[raquelreyes]

You need to tell the other person during the first 2 dates what you really want in a relationship.
Also, tell them you will only have sex when you are sure that both are ready to be all in.
That’s the only way to get rid of people who will waste your time and energy.
Initial radical honesty is what will lead you to your person.

[chiarawolff]

I’ve only gotten into the first 2.5 minutes but I had to say. This letter sounds exactly like how I’ve felt and what I’ve gone through. It’s really sad and painful and very difficult to try and change yourself, even if you know and see that the people that have been coming in your life are no good, but you’re so desperate for love that you take the crap, and think that’s all you’re worth. Makes me cry when I think of it, and I still feel this at 41. I’ve started therapy, but it’s a very slow process and I still feel there are people in my life who, including family, are only there when it serves them

[stephanyhalo]

You’re helping me through a break up with a guy who “held a torch for 11 years.” I was never into him. I ignored your rule of fully single and waiting 4 months and became the rebound. But I left and didn’t crap fit nor accept breadcrumbs. Thank you for your guidance and support, Anna!

[deborahwalker]

On again off again situationship for the better part of 4 years. We had some nice times together. I Gave my best, hoped we would go further but I suddenly realized just how manipulative he is, self absorbed, cold, cruel. Everything was always up to me. He told me not to get attached but that I needed to be in my "right mind" if we were going to be together. Resonates with my childhood where I loved and loved and loved but love wasn't given to me. I was never a priority. This guy acted like he was invested but it was all a ruse. This hurt so much.

[Knight-gkok]

Three weeks from today will make a year since cancer took my wife of almost 34 years from me. Since then, whether it's appointments, grocery shopping, or an occasional visit to the coffee shop I just can't drum up any interest or fathom meeting someone else. I came from a bad home life with two brutally narcissistic, sociopathic parents and my wife was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. But now? I really just no longer have interest in people.

[guenonentertainment]

I didn’t write this letter, but it’s exactly EXACTLY my story. The sad part is, I sat on my throne, I became clear about my boundaries and communicated my needs, pushing away anyone who showed me red flags. You know what happened? I didn’t attract people who really loved and wanted me, at 49 years old, I am still alone. Makes me think it’s me even more. Being pliable offered hope, being rigid gave me nothing.

[stephaniemaloney]

Wow. I remember being distressed as a child, and my mom telling the other adults that I was just looking for attention, and to ignore me. Eventually, I married a man with the same philosophy about my needs. 25 years later, I left, and am trying to find my way forward. Thanks, Anna, for making cause-and-effect so clear, and providing a forum where people like me can learn these lessons with a community

[theplaylister]

The scenario of an avoidant saying "I'm not ready" and then committing to the next girl is so common it's cliche. That doesn't mean he wasn't into you, just he is avoiding to look at himself in the mirror. Eventually the new relationship will trigger him and he will run again, and might then reach out to you again as you may have become in the meantime the "phantom ex", which such an important to know about. Please read about deactivation strategies.

My main issue with the no-sex rule is that a lot of avoidants will come across as the perfect potential partner for months on end, until they feel like you're bought in and feel like this is becoming real. I did the super slow dating and guess what, instead of finding out they're avoidant quickly and moving on, it took me 6 months to finally trigger their avoidance because I was taking it so slow.


Avoidants who aren't at the extreme end of the spectrum will tell you they are hoping to find their special person. Their fears get trigger only when things typically start to get really good.

At the end, you should still not pursue somebody who shows any sign of real avoidance - that being said I find Anna's content to be a bit too harsh on that matter and fails to acknowledge that what an avoidant says about you has typically extremely little to do with you. If anything, they probably really like you and that's what triggered their core wounds and fears.

[MCwulfe]

Oh my the beginning of this video sounds so like how I used to be. In the sense that someone being interested in me meant more to me than it should have.

[eec]

I had 3 dates with a guy from Tinder, we kissed on the second date. On the first date he asked me what was what I was looking for and I told him that I wanted to find love and move slow. We kissed passionately the 2nd a 3rd date, he ghosted me ... I ´m proud I didnt have sex with him even he turned me on a lot... I still like him but I wont call him, I´m trying to stop the crapfedding but you know, it´s hard. I am 39, soon 40, I feel alone ... :( I want to get married and have a family

[elizavetagladkaya]

I learnt the hard way that if someone says "I'm not ready for the relationship", means someone is not ready for the relationship with YOU. There's no even use in trying to figure out, why, as it's going to wake up unnecessary emotions. It's almost the same as a job interview in this case: if the employer says "There are thousands like you", "We don't know, why you're here" - no way the work is going to get better here, even if you try. The hardest thing here is admitting that to yourself, admitting that bitter truth, that sometimes our efforts are useless and are going to end up in nothing. I learnt not to take that personally and just to go on. As the person continuing that communication with you are in the lower position, getting you to prove something.

[walker]

This is relatable in many ways. I declared my feelings for a friend who had recently broken up with her long-term partner (who she had cheated on twice and stayed with after out of guilt). We started dating, the feelings were like nothing I had experienced before, we had incredible chemistry and connection and we'd pour our hearts out to one another, sharing fears, weaknesses, insecurities... At first she was the one who'd make most plans to spend time together. But she pressured me to have sex and when we did and I had issues she said "I might walk away at some point if they don't improve". And whenever I had them she'd be frustrated. Our bond though grew even stronger and she even told me she was falling in love with me. But when my issues in bed improved, she felt like this romance was being too much for her and she ended it, saying she realised this wasn't what she needed at this point in her life, too short after her first breakup. She cried and even second-guessed her decision during our last weekend together, but stuck with it (and rationally I know it's for the better). Now I am sitting here wondering if her feelings were ever real and part of me feels so used. She left the door open but I know I must not buy into it. And yet, I still do care about her and think about her the whole time. And I can't decide if she was being honest, unconsciously manipulative, or if she meant to hurt me.

[kelsdreams]

I said that to my (long distance online) boyfriend (now ex) last month. And yes, it was maybe a cowardly move on my part, but you describe him so perfectly in this video. He was willing to "love" me in any way, all because I showed interest in him. He has zero sense of self, no self esteem, and does not love himself. I really hope one day he finds the ability to love himself, but I can't wait around to find out. I'm dating to marry, not help a first timer realize their relationship potential.

[zara_n_mohamed]

You need to set the bar higher for what you need over what you want ❤