When Your Child Has BPD | VALERIE PORR

Valerie Porr, founder of TARA4BPD, discusses Borderline Personality Disorder with a focus on the impact of BPD on the family and loved ones of the person with the diagnosis.

[evilazulan]

I have BPD. I feel terrible for my parents, especially my mum. She sees me in my horribly depressive moods, my shitty BPD, suffering. I know she feels horrible. Putting myself in her shoes as a parent it must be excruciating to witness your child suffering and not being able to do anything about it. She offers me unconditional love, understanding and support. I'm very lucky. Man I'm crying writing this.

[Briana]

It hurt when she said "this child may never become a lawyer" because I have BPD and always had the dream of becoming a lawyer. It isn't happening because of my illness, I barely graduated with my Bachelor's and came within one bad grade of getting kicked out. It was a huge accomplishment that I graduated at all while having untreated BPD and bipolar disorder but I still feel like a failure because I couldn't reach the goal I always had. I know I wouldn't be able to handle law school. I hope I figure out a new path that I'm happy with.

[crimsonkitty]

My parents treat me like I'm the only problem, they think I use bpd as an excuse for bad behavior when I hadn't even found out about it until that year and they say everything. It hurts not having parents who are willing to understand. My boyfriend started looking up how to help me and my parents decided it was best to bully and gaslight me instead. Where I stand now after 2 years knowing I had bpd, both parents aren't in my life

[moeblar]

So true. It’s heartbreaking especially when all you want to is see them happy, proud, understood and forgiven.🥀

[alexiscardenas]

I struggle with BPD and my mom talks about these feelings she has. It's so accurate, but its heartbreaking to know how much pain I put the person I love the most in. I love my mother so much, shes my only parent and shes just done so much for me. I feel so guilty when I get so angry. She doesnt deserve any of this. She deserves a better child. It shouldnt be this hard for her.

[julieking]

So accurate. I have suspected our daughter has BPD for years and she was finally recently diagnosed with it. She is now 30 with 2 kids. The acting out started around 13. My husband is now disabled and we are both not well. We are completely different people than we once were. We are used up and worn down.

[laughterworksaust]

What a relief, I agree Jodie Finney, this is only the 2nd video I have seen (in 3 years of researching) that looks at, and understands the agony of the parents!

As Mother, I am soooo very tired of being blamed for my son becoming a BPD/NPD Alcoholic, Drug addict!
I have always felt that I have had my arms tied up behind my back, and my mouth gagged, and am forced to watch as my beautiful Son is trying to cross a major 8 lane highway...its terrifying being so unable to help him.

He is now 32 yrs old, about to be released from prison in the next few days.
He has already started attacking me with Callous vitriolic abuse, and antagonism because I wont send him vodka and Valium for his 14 days in Hotel Quarantine after being released from Prison (on his way back to Australia from France) where he has been imprisoned.
Im so over it :(((

[wendymacdougall]

I love my grown son more than words can say. we have helped him for the past seven years with his three children as they come to our home about 75 nights a year. If I show even the slightest bit of frustration or try to correct anyone I am a bad guy no matter what is done or said and I play with my grandchildren constantly to make them feel loved. It’s never enough I’m always doing something wrong. I read all the books when my son was little desperately trying to be a good mom for him. Yet I still feel like a complete failure. This is the first time I’ve heard anybody actually say that you could be a good parent with a child with BPD. Thank you for that. I know I wasn’t a perfect parent for him but boy did I ever try I mean I really really tried

[michellegallegos]

Im 22 and I found out about having BPD a year ago. To look back and recall the moments I’ve snapped at my mother over something so small, makes me feel so shitty. My mother is now in her 60s and I’m a lot more cautious and try to remain as aware of my feelings around her. I love both my parents to death so I personally removed myself from their home since it seems like the distance works best for me. They live only 6 mins away from me so I always see them after work and I simply go back home before I feel like my “social” timer is up

[MrRedstardude]

I have a avoidant pd, yet these words speak to me. I'm also finding it really difficult to radically accept that I won't be able to have a job that I have the intelligence for. Here I can see both parents and adult child suffering.
My psychologist said she delivered pizzas for five years as a student. But in my case I would be delivering pizzas until I retire which is 20+ years. Big difference between the two.

[deeprollingriver]

My daughter is 30 years old. I had to remove myself from her due to abuse and ill treatment of me. Whenever she’s upset or frustrated she re-enters my life by sending seething, mean, and hate filled emails wishing I was dead. She accuses me of things that are crazy, like being a drug addict, stealing, and sleeping around for money. I have no idea where she comes up with these accusations. It’s as if she uses ME as the excuse for her mistakes and misery. I have tried to reach out to her but am met with a woman totally out of control. I don’t take her emails seriously because they are all lies but I worry for her every day. I’m so afraid she’s going to hurt herself. And after the last hate filled rant, I’m beginning to fear for my life.

[yv]

Can imagine its hard. But there is a reason(more than one) a kid has this disorder.

[mohacs]

It saddens me I only found out the reason for my car crash of a life was in later years, my parents died knowing nothing of BPD, simply thinking I was an irressponsible, self destructive alcoholic who squandered every chance he had.

[sheilareynolds]

My adopted 28 yo daughter has Tbi but I believe also BPD. It has ruined my life. I wish she was the little girl who loved her momma.

[HealingBeyondTrauma]

Thank you! There are so few people speaking about this right now!! Our son has had more than 5 traits from the time he was three (which is when I met him as I'm his step-parent)and despite the numerous psychiatric care professionals and settings we've tried there is little support and even discussion about how to parent someone with these set of challenges.

[penelopek]

What happends if the parents or a parent would be responsible by giving the child the parental role and complete fear and neglect as a child ? Most people are not born with bpd, they are made.

[rippitydippity]

No one is born with bpd to all the hard coping, blame passing parents in the comments. Your shitty partner did not just genetically give your child bpd. BPD does not occur without childhood trauma. It is either genetics and trauma or just trauma. There is no my child got bpd from bad genetics. Childhood trauma is an necessary factor in diagnosis.

And I get it y’all don’t want to feel like you failed as a parent. But that’s why it’s so important to take accountability and change your behavior just like your child has to. You tried your best right? Well don’t give up when you realize that your best wasn’t so good. So many parents don’t realize that, if they help themselves, it will help their children so much. No parents actively try to make their children’s life difficult. But that doesn’t mean if you didn’t try to harm them and instead tried to do the best you could, that your best was good enough. And that’s okay. It’s okay that you kinda fucked up your kid as long as when you do realize the outcome of your actions, that you don’t just blame your child and tell them they could of had it worse, or that why isn’t your best good enough for them but good enough for another child. Every kid is different. This is not new info here.

Look it up for yourself on any reputable website, and not Facebook or YouTube: BPD is formed in development. If you were the sole caregiver, or one of the sole caregivers, of your child during their development, aka childhood, your actions directly affected the literal development of their brain. Things like the prefrontal cortex, the hippocampus, etc. all get affected during childhood trauma and change the way that child will react to things for the rest of their life.

Also I urge any parents to seriously look back and ask themselves, at the time you had children, where you actually emotionally and mentally healthy? Did you treat not only other people, but also yourself, well at that time? With respect? Where you actually able to take accountability, for the biggest and smallest things? Did you have stable relationships? Did you think in black or white? Where you really there, physically and emotionally? Did you love your child under circumstance or unconditionally? Did you love them when it was inconvenient, hard, challenging, and did you show that love in a way that they can see, in a way that is meaningful to them? Did you show that love without expecting that love back?

Also realize that these are kids you are taking about. Kids who don’t know any better unless you show them. Kids when you were the adult. Kids who don’t have a fully formed brain who will make mistakes, kids who will be cruel at times. Because they are kids. That’s what kids do. They act, and then learn how to act. And you are the ones who give the example.

[celes]

This is me with my son. I feel like an absolute failure as a parent. I’ve tried everything I could for my son- therapy, partial hospitalizations, rehabs, psychiatric treatment, DBT, residential treatment. Using the “I” term instead of “you.” Nothing changes. He just goes right back to doing what he did before: self-destructing.

[littlekentucky]

I Needed this today so much, Thank you. 🙏 ❤it’s everything you just said.

[danigiammarco]

Possibly your hopes and expectations have led to the disconnect within your child and they are just different to you. As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD, I understand myself and the people that are closest to me understand that I am different and accept that. Being different and not fitting into the 'mould' that your parents may have inadvertently placed on you can cause a massive disconnect for the child, especially if they are receiving messages constantly about themselves not being good enough. Bottom line, if you choose to have a child, and have chosen to become a parent, you MUST realise that the children do NOT belong to you and do NOT exist to fit into your ideal. I have heard people say that their children are ungrateful. You give life willingly, not expecting a lawyer or doctor in return. Horrifying. Maybe just try being simply happy for them and celebrating them, validating and acknowledging that their life is different to your own and an opportunity to grow.