When your victimhood keeps sabotaging your romantic relationships

👧 From a very early age we learn how to subconsciously go to great lengths to build defenses against those closest to us. One way we do that is by taking on the identity of the victim. I have often talked about how I believe victim consciousness to be the ultimate pathology. When I coin myself the victim in a dynamic, I get to feel RIGHT about being WRONGED. The deliciousness of victim anger. We may not like to admit it, but often we even delight in punishing our partner with our victimhood.

Yet…if we feel so wronged by our partner so often, then why do we stay?
That question alone can be the starting point to centering your experience and taking personal responsibility in your relationships.

But what if instead of defaulting to playing the very specific roles that you have likely played out in all of your romantic relationships, you approached these times with a different frame and a different perspective? What if your unique power could be found in the triggers that have historically rendered you disempowered?

[dawnhalver]

But never underestimate the power of transforming within the context and structure of a relationship with a person. Just because you have trauma patterns with a person does not mean you have to leave that person in order to heal those trauma patterns. I’m not saying that it doesn’t, because sometimes leaving is necessary, but very often it is not.

[bluesriot]

one piece of advice I heard going back to a broken engagement was "you can be right or you can be happy", I guess that's like a rock and a hard place