Therapist Talks: Why Self-Pity Can Feel So Good

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[Luiz_orneduom]

"Is it possible that i'm worth something" hit me hard. I met this very close friend who showers me with compliments everytime and it took me months to accept them. When i finally started to believe them, i cried for hours.

[TheLyricalWrdsmth]

This is well timed. I've been slowly coming to the realization that I'm addicted to my self pity. So much so that I sabotage easy opportunities for growth, excitement, and potential success to instead wallow in how worthless I view myself. I feel for anyone who deals with this.

[vinki]

Can we talk about how well written that post was? It summed up the issue perfectly.

[anderszimmerman]

This helped me realize why I hate receiving compliments so much despite doing everything in my power to get them.

[Ilovesushi]

That fear of having hope and then things turning out completely wrong is one of the scariest things. Being happy isn’t always easy because when things get sad you really feel the contrast between the 2 emotions. I’m slowly improving my happiness but sometimes its less scary to just stay miserable 😩.

[Chronorust]

To me, it's like self-pity is a manifestation of knowing that there's more in you, but putting yourself in a deep hole because you've never been able to healthily build up ways to dig yourself out.

[shinigami]

"We accept the love we think we deserve" from Perks of Being a Wallflower matches this so well.

[Alexander_Grant]

I dated a girl that was out of an abusive relationship once, and she had told me she never had anyone care for her before and wasn't used to someone just talking to her. Sadly I think she just fell back into her old habits because anytime I did something that slightly aggravated her, like say I couldn't go out a certain night because of schoolwork, she would just go straight into trying to make me jealous or yelling at me with straight venom. I think it confused her because I would never respond angrily, and that made her attack me even harder. I had to break it off with her since I'm not going to take abuse just to try and get through to someone I'm dating, but it was sad because when she wasn't in that protective mode, or the few times I got through to her, she was a really funny and kind person.

[anupra]

I feel pity for my past self almost as if it was another person (close friend) who went through horrible shit. Now I see that it's because at the time I never received compassion. I'm doing better now but still have days where I revisit certain events that make me pity myself.

[Stealth]

I found that post relatable on pretty much every point. However, I feel like Dr. K's explanation didn't feel entirely accurate to my experience. For me, it doesn't seem to feel good out of a sense of feeling that it is correct, but that the worse my circumstances are, the more justified I am for acting so unproductive and pathetic.

I feel like if I realise how small my issues actually are, it would mean that I was just an overdramatic slacker who had wasted so much time and made everything harder for himself and his family for no reason whatsoever. So when I have those worries, I start to assure myself that everything really is bad and that there is nothing I can do to fix it at the moment. It immediately melts all my stress away. And it feels really really good.

I don't feel that Dr. K's explanation is wrong at all, but just that it doesn't work for everybody. I just mean to add my own perspective for anyone who feels the same as I do now.

[reelheck]

wow. i usually avoid these types of videos because i try to ignore my problems so i can be functional, and i always worry im gonna find out im just a terrible failure who is self-pitying. i always thought self-pity was bad and shameful, and clicking on this video i expected to be shamed. Clicking on all of your videos, ive had my expectation of feeling bad about myself completely curbed. you are really amazing. thank you for not shaming people and just wanting us to understand ourselves. You are so cool

[andrewkelley]

This is why I’m so bitter. Every time I have hope, the other shoe has dropped. It’s happened so many times I’ve lost count. My only conclusion is people suck and the only one I can rely on is myself.

[ShaunDreclin]

4:06 is me to a t. Whenever people are nice to me or do nice things for me, my brain gets confused and seeks out the ulterior motive. I usually land on "They're doing it because then they can manipulate me into doing good things for them in return", and the universe makes sense again. But then when I can't do enough things for them to "pay back" that kindness, I panic and think it's just a matter of time until they leave me for not living up to my end of the agreement that I made up in my head.

[loejewis]

Only heard the post but that is so bang on, must take a lot of self-awareness to realise that.

[tyrannus]

Can relate so much to this. Self-pity and self-loathing have always been my two biggest demons. They may sound contradictory, but it's like one is fuel for the other. It's like self-pity is the drug and self-loathing is the drug dealer. It's very difficult to fight it, because I can't be emotionally sober all the time and that's when it catches me off guard. By the time I become self-consicous of it, it is too late to stop it because by then it's like an emotional avalanche that has to run its course and die out on its own.

[VinnieGer]

4:33 I feel that, I often feel like “why hasn’t something bad happened yet???” But that’s in interesting way of putting things. We prefer the familiar to the good.

[chimerasofhafgufa]

this reminds me - when i get away from depression and feel good, sometimes there are days when i actively WANT to feel sad
i was curious about feeling this need so i went along with it, listened to some sad music etc
and i have found out it feels so fucking awesome
like, it's not this helpless state of mind like in my depression, in fact i felt really free and... i dunno? i felt so much beauty and satisfaction from the music i was listening to
i never thought id be able to say it but it was awesome to cry
and this need went away really quickly as well

[poopingducks]

This blew my brain and I had to pause multiple times to take time to digest it and it quite literally moved me to tears. This is going to be a big changer for me if I can actively apply this new internal dialogue. Thank you so much for this.

[realitycheck]

Self pity feels good because no one else is judging you. I am aware of my own flaws and doubts. I prefer being miserable because I know I am the only one who cares about me. Other people are going to look down upon you and view you as worthless. At least I value myself even though I don't actually value anything in life. You are your own best company, I guess.

[kamrucci]

"Mind prefers the familiar over the good". This is so much on point. Feels like a good piece for a mantra.