Jordan Peterson: DON'T Live Together Before Marriage

Today we’ll look at why Jordan Peterson thinks cohabitation (living together before marriage) is a bad idea. We’ll then look at six academic findings that back that up. We'll then conclude by looking at three reasons the Church has consistently taught against it.

[maylynbayani]

During my first few months of marriage, my husband and I had a huge fight while staying at my ancestral home. He was packing his things and getting ready to leave. Then, to our horror, the door knob broke and we were trapped inside our bedroom. There was no one at the house and our neighbors are too far for them to hear us screaming. So locked inside, we didn't have a choice but to work it out. We prayed together, then really communicated. Right after we made up, there was a delivery man who came up at the gates. We screamed and asked him to go to our parent's workplace. Til this day, I believed it was divine intervention.

[NCashvaue]

"Sensuality often makes love grow too quickly so that the root remains weak and is easy to pull out." - Friedrich Nietzsche

[corpoghoul]

My wife and I were chaste and did not cohabitate until we were married. It forced us to learn to love deeper, and know each other more. I was against it at first, but it was the best decision we ever made.

[RamoneCelso]

I think that a better "test" before marriage is eating together, without external stimulus (phone, T.V. etc), just the couple; and go out for groceries together. That way you get to know each other and also, these situations are quite dull, you have to put love and effort into it to make it pleasing, and that will be a constant thing through out marriage and a valuable skill to have.

[RosaTeresa]

Unfortunately I had my first child out of wedlock. When my daughter was born her father wanted me to move in with him. I said not until we are married. I know people laughed and judged my decision because we had obviously had intimacy in our relationship. But I was getting closer to my faith and God told me it was never too late to do right. We got married a few months later and we are still married and now have 5 children together. I thank God for the decision of waiting until marriage. I’m confident if I would have moved in before that we wouldn’t have lasted or still wouldn’t have been married.

[adamrad]

My wife and I were fairly lukewarm Catholics when we started dating, in our mid/late 20's. We didn't live together (I had a nagging thing where I didn't want to do that, but mostly because I didn't want my parents/family to give me grief, AND, I wanted my alone time for drinking, video games, etc. of course). Well anyway, I had proposed to her after a couple years of dating, and with about 6 months to go before marriage, she said she wanted to re-start how we should have done it since the beginning. She wanted to stop sex until marriage, and get in the mindset that we "should" be in.

NEVER would I have thought that that was something we wanted/needed. But, when she said that, and after I had a day or so to think on it, I had never loved her more. And everything became simpler, and more focused on the other's good. I realized that she was focused on OUR good as a couple, and that in turn made me want to do the same. I was the fairly regular mass-going person in the relationship when we started, but by the end of our dating, SHE was the one who was helping to show me how to live. It was...liberating, loving and yeah, it just made me see the future "us" in a different light. It made our honeymoon more special, and it started our marriage off on the right foot.

For anyone looking at this video or reading this comment, it is NOT too late to recommit to chastity. It was something I had no idea we "needed" at the time, and it made all the difference in the world. It's not too late to recommit, take my word for it.

[Miriam-qhso]

As a non-Christian woman I appreciated this video. Living together has led to a number of societal problems. In a number of cases, women move in with men hoping it will lead to marriage. After a few years, with no ring in sight, a pregnancy occurs to force the issue. The man feels he now must get married (not a choice) or says no and doesn't. If "no" the child may have no father present, or actively involved. Unfair to child. A "single mother" situation results. While many women manage, its not ideal. This does not excuse the man. Men have responsibilities too. If there is no pregnancy, and the man doesn't want to get married, women may find themselves in their 30s looking for a new commitment and potentially wanting a family. With biological clock ticking, dating challenges, its not a good position to be in.

I've always advised women to keep their own home while dating. Don't play wife by living with a man if you're not his wife. Don't give up years of your life without a firm commitment. Also, when things go wrong in a relationship, go back to one's home and let your partner wonder what you're up to. Don't be so available. Have some self determination by living in your own place. Maintain control over your life, its not the man's decision to make. It should be mutual.

I add that being intimate before marriage can be confusing emotionally. The true understanding and love one must have in marriage is often replaced quickly by more carnal needs. Intimacy without commitment leads to unwanted consequences on many levels.

[emmadumais]

"We all have a past, but we all have a future as well, and if we want that future to be good and true and beautiful, then we need to listen to what the Father is teaching His children through the Church."
Truly beautiful words Mr. Fradd

[antonia]

My husband and I didn’t live together or have sex before marriage. 18 years and 3 kids later we're going strong. When we’re out and about together people ask if we’re newlyweds or in our early dating stage. They are shocked when we say we’ve been married so long. One of the best decisions we’ve ever made for sure!

[cateclism]

I saved myself for marriage. My wife and I have been happily married for nearly 31 years! I wish more conservative Protestant churches were as outspoken on this subject as you are!

[renren]

I've heard the rhetoric 'abstinence leads to ignorance' when the studies you've just talked about all show that sexual dissatisfaction and feeling the need to commit adultery are the RESULT of not having abstinence. Very edifying, thanks for the content!

[antoniopioavallone]

Commitment ; the word our society hates beyond all.

[janettabinski]

When a couple who are getting to know each other and are attracted to each other start having sex, the natural power of the sexual experience overwhelms the process of learning about the other as a person. That process grinds to halt while physical desire becomes super dominant, which so easily leads to the couple making wrong decisions, e.g. to cohabit or even to marry. Clarity of vision about the other person’s suitability as a life partner is obscured and we can’t judge sensibly. I did everything wrong as a single woman, but despite that, by the grace of God, am still married to the same man after 39 years. But much suffering was unavoidable as a consequence of our attitudes and behaviour.

[GratiaPrima_]

I absolutely despise the “test drive the car” thing. Ugh. People aren’t objects to be used, like a car is.

[Chels]

My husband and I did not live together prior to marriage and I honestly think it was one of the best decisions we could’ve made for our relationship. Excited for the video!

[margitrujillo]

Sadly, too many younger people have ‘bought into this myth’, and believe cohabitation is the BEST way to get to REALLY know each other! Thanks, for addressing this mis-belief!!

[kendensetsu]

This really opened my eyes! As a 20 year old Australian guy, hook-up (fornication) culture is massive with all my friends. Thanks.

[sundayweiss]

Honoring your marriage shows huge self respect.

[jotunman]

It has always been considered a good idea to refrain from sex until marriage or at least adulthood.
Science is now showing us what our grandmothers and pastors knew all along. Having sex with someone who is not our spouse can have a real, measurable and harmful impact upon later relationships.

National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG)
Women with 10 or more partners were the most likely to divorce
Women with 3-9 partners were less likely to divorce than women with 2 partners; and,
Women with 0-1 partners were the least likely to divorce.
Earlier research found that having multiple sex partners prior to marriage could lead to less happy marriages, and often increased the odds of divorce

Girls who experienced their first sexual experience with a young man who would eventually be her husband did not have particularly elevated risk of divorce.

When we give ourselves away – and sex is a full giving of ourselves away physically, emotionally, spiritually – to someone outside the commitment and protection of marriage, it breaks down an important part of us, making our future relationships more unhealthy and difficult to sustain.

[acchan]

This is what I needed to hear. Facing these truths against my lifestyle is scary, but I needed to hear this in an logical, kind, and graceful way. Thank you