How to Know If You're Ready to Marry Someone | Jordan B Peterson

A Patron asked: "You've said that a marriage must be based on trust and transparency and being 'shackled together'. How and for how long should you get to know someone? How do you set a foundation without scaring them off?" From my 3rd Patreon Q&A.

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[Deanna]

I love when men talk about their wives, families, and children in a loving, respectful, admirable way. It's so sweet and endearing.

[cmp]

My wife and I dated and then engaged for about two years before we were married.
In that period we had fun, frank discussions and worked each other out.
And we did not have sex until we were married.
It helped that we had the same worldview and values and understood some fundamentals.
We have been married for over 20 years.
Cheers and blessings.

[justinhutchings]

Dr. Peterson, you are the father-figure a lot of young adults need in their life. Please keep doing what you are doing. Your contribution will surly make this world a better place.

[RefugeeTraveller]

When you a black young male but your father is white, thank you Jordan for everything you have done for me. You literally saved my life.

[zestoslife]

Sage advice. I got married young, and although we had superficially done these things, reality was two messed up people, living together creates a very large mess. But two decades later, and having worked through a *lot* of stuff both together and separately, we are very happy married. Glad that we persevered.

[bfpskater]

The most important part of a marriage is that you can tell the truth and negotiate

[RawSauce]

Sigh... seems like a lot of commenters have never felt the real tug of being so deeply in love with someone that you truly want to work towards spending the rest of your life with them. Thanks for the talk Doctor.

[DaveJMorten]

Summary:
1. 0:29 You can negotiate with your partner.
2. 0:33 Started formulating a vision of your joint future.
3. 1:30 Maintain erotic relationship.
4. 1:45 Talk about handling your finances together.
5. 1:48 Where are you going to live?
6. 2:37 Living together: What are your joint responsibilities? (Meals, groceries, bills, household chores, fairness, etc.)
7. 4:50 Children: How are you going to set yourself up for children?
8. 6:40 Marriage bond: What does it mean to you?
9. 6:50 Trust & Communication: You HAVE to be willing to tell the truth. Especially the hard truths.
10. 7:26 Impact of a long term relationship: 2/3 of your life. Careers.
11. 7:57 Most important: Tell the truth. Communicate. Negotiate.

[SourPatchLyds]

Am I the only one a) shocked Dr. P is only 55 (my dad's age) and b) touched by his description of his marriage and his anticipation of being a grandfather?

[scarletpeoni]

Two honest people seems very rare, usually is that one person is too honest for their own good and the other who has one mask for their family and then a few others for their second lives.

[Flaphand]

I wish I could hug him. How strange it may seem.

[poisonnae]

My husband is my savings grace. We are fundamental the same in our views but we come at a very different way. We really balance each other out. I feel like marriage Should be freeing. He has been a life saver and thank God for him.

[suziw]

You are such a beautiful human Dr Peterson.

[klattalexis]

You need to know someone long enough to see how they react in bad times & in good times to know if you can handle how they handle things. Also, see how they treat & respect their parents because this is how they will likely end up treating you.

[pikulis]

We need a new word for marriage, because it has lost its meaning. Nowadays most people think of "marriage" as something disposable. It's considered acceptable (and even expected) that you divorce when the going gets tough; most people will divorce and remarry 1-2 times. WRONG. Marriage is supposed to be a sacrament, a sacred bond, a huge event, a commitment, a big-time psychological surrender and total reorientation of one's life, with all the ceremonies, music and ritual pronouncements to your own psyche and to the whole community: "from now on, it's TWO, not one and one!" It's a big deal. It will be hard, there will be pain. But there will also be joy and bliss.

People think marriage is supposed just to "work out", without conscious cultivation. It's like expecting to be a better guitar player without learning your instrument and practicing. No one has inflicted so much unnecessary suffering on humanity than the ones who told us that happiness is possible without pain, love without hurt, society without injustice, goodness without evil. Fuck you, you new age self-help coaches and Marxists.

And marriage is not solely the business of a couple - it's also a responsibility of the community to hold the standard and not let it devolve into chaos. Don't encourage your friend to divorce; help him/her/them out instead. Do not try to seduce a woman with a ring, even if her eyes are inviting. Yes, it's your fucking responsibility to the world. It's your personal act that holds it together.

[AFringedGentian]

Watching this six years later, knowing what Dr. Peterson and his precious family have gone through, knowing Mikhaila’s happily married and with a baby on the way, knowing that Dr. and Mrs. Peterson are so happy in their marriage, knowing that Julian gave up some privacy to tour with his mum and dad, is unbearably poignant. God bless you, precious family.

[eddydogleg]

Beware the partner who says "You shouldn't have to compromise". It didn't end well for me.

[josephinewliu]

7:56 you should get to know someone long enough to know that you two can tell the truth with each other, communicate and negotiate. because the most important part of a relationship is the fact that you can tell each other the truth and negotiate.

[helenarichard]

What i see in my parents, but this was a different time, is that they were a couple for ten years before getting married and having children. They were each other's first real love and were always very honest and always just knew they would be together forever. Children came once they had a house. But now it's hard to buy a house. It's all so messed up. I want a relationship like my parents but men are not as honest as they used to be. Finally found my dream man and we talk a lot about when we will marry and have children. If not i will get anxious and frustrated thinking i am wasting my fertile years. I have learned: never waste more on a year with a man if there isn't enough progress. Ask for the progress and if it doesn't happen, leave, because before you know it, you have wasted five years of your fertile years crying and depressed! Don't do this. Enough sweet loving men out there, but a load of men too who just want to use you. Never ever let a man use you. Go for the sweet goofy man you thought wasn't alfa enough, but treats you like a queen: with respect. A man who does the little annoying things for you from the start, who makes you laugh, who wants to marry and have kids one day. But most importantly: be content with the idea of being alone as well. Even your dream man can die suddenly. Be prepared for ageing alone, because most women survive their man. Think of yourself and be strong and loving.

[vyrusnationgaming]

Jordan Peterson is the present sober dad that i never had. I can call on him pretty much anytime i need some advice....its amazing. He turned my life around.
I have a beautiful wife and a 1 month old son just in the last year. I've been following his advice for over 5 years, and my life has drastically improved.

Thank you so much. You dont even understand.
Though my dad was drunk a lot and not really present with us kids, he still loved us and still gave us some structure. He was never physically abusive, although physical punishment was not off limits (spankings and whatnot).
He died almost 10 years ago, and Jordan Peterson has been such a great help in his absense.