7 Subtle Signs You're Too Controlling

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Having the strong urge to control other people is something many people struggle with and is rooted in either fear or anxiety. Being too controlling can have a negative impact on both your own mental health and on the health of your relationships. You may not realize the things you're doing regularly are an attempt to control others, so we're going to talk about theme here today because when awareness is the first step toward positive change.

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[TakeBackYourMind]

A well intentioned form of this is the person that always tries to force their help on people when it's not wanted. If you find people getting annoyed with you a lot and your response is 'I was just trying to help', you might be a bit too controlling. It's well intentioned, but can be pretty destructive. That's my opinion from experience anyway.

[joncaradies]

" The antidote to anxiety is not control, the antidote to anxiety is TRUST " That pretty much nailed it for me . Such a great video . Thank you from my heart

[clint]

This video is a good reminder. Keep your mouth closed and your opinions to yourself when you see people behave, perform, act differently than how you would. Unless it’s some immediate safety concern, just let others be who they are.

[ladyp]

I think so many of us do these things without realising they are controlling habits. Often comes from a place of trauma and being unhealed from it. The good news is we can heal! We can retrain our brains to think and feel differently. The first step is being aware of our behaviour. Taking accountability for it. Then seeking the reasons why and doing the hard work to heal and adopt healthier behaviours.

[hajjataiwo]

I just realized i am controlling and really have to start to let go, thank you Julia

[sarahk]

6:35 1.) Do you use guilt to get people to do what you want them to do?
7:46 2.) Do you get jealous or feel threatened if people you're close to (partner/sibling/best friend) want to do things with other people?
9:58 3.) Do you nitpick or overtly criticize people for not doing/seeing things your way?
12:30 4.) Do you punish people for not meeting your expectations, particularly unspoken ones, by withholding your love/words/time?
14:54 5.) Do you try to coerce (ridicule/guilt) people into seeing things your way?
16:56 6.) Do you try to solve people's problems for them and get upset when they don't follow through on your solution?
22:48 7.) Do you project your emotions on to others for their choices? Do you expect other people to make you feel better/fix it?

[ChristienahRobertsonTravis]

These kinds of tutorials are really making it easier and easier to spot certain types I couldn't before. Recently, I ran into a Christian lady. I'm not gonna says she's good or bad. Everyone has their faults and their own walk in life. She started with gift giving. Then moved into warning me about my beverage choices. At first I thought she was just being nice until she kept bringing it up and sending me all this information. *rolling eyes*. She was getting angry. One of my major red flags is when you tell someone 'no' for something simple and if they start losing it you probably have a big problem.
As expected, before I know it she's telling me when I should sleep, how I should live every facet of my life and even when I have permission to die. I'm sick. Made me sad, but I had to let her go. I don't have the time or energy anymore. This knowledge has given me the necessary bridge that I needed so badly to live and die in peace. Keep up the good work.

[Higheaglebirb]

Forcing people to apologize comes across as controlling. Same with guilt and silent treatment

[chrisdigitalartist]

HI Coach Julia! Senior Sifter here!

BTW – I personally love having these videos come out on Friday now. =)

And yes - If I am understanding you right, I agree with you! Dishes should be rinsed off before loading the dishwasher🤣

Wow – this was a deep one! I think before I could see how I may have acted in some behavior before the Shift Society but I never was the type to actually want to control anybody, but I can see in the subtle ways it could have crept up.



Here are my notes:

7 Subtle Signs You're Too Controlling

What controlling is:

Controlling is an antidote to anxiety.

Control is an illusion.



7 Signs:



1. Using guilt to get what you want.

2. Getting jealous and feeling left out.

3. Overly criticize people for not doing exactly what you want them to do.

4. Get mad at people who don't meet your expectations (And you don't even tell them what those expectations are.)

5. Coerce people into seeing things your way.



6. Try to solve other people's problems for them and get upset and punish them if they don't follow your advice.

7. If you are laying your emotions on to somebody else for their choices.

To those who are reading this, I want to remind you and encourage you if you ever question your worth and value, that you truly are a worthy and valued person. You do matter. ❤

[carlahamman]

I really needed to hear this this morning! I do alot of these, taking a good, long, honest look at myself. Thank you 🥰

[danibessette]

this is great! as someone who has suffered from narcissistic abuse, and domestic violence, etc...I realize that I developed a pattern of control in order to cope. it made sense in toxic relationships (it was stemming from self defense or just having to do everything because they couldn't do the bare minimum, and they never listened to my needs even when I told them clearly).

so in new (healthier) relationships, I find these control issues come up, but I realize that im having a trauma response based on PAST experiences.

my DV relationship drove me crazy because he tried to control every aspect of my life. he isolated me. he accused me of cheating (when I never even thought of other guys), and I remember feeling so sad that he didn't trust me.

yet...I struggle to trust healthy people!

the thing that helps me the most...is remembering how invisible I felt when I was faithful and committed and dedicated, but I was treated like I was the most selfish, cheating, "whorish", person when I was nothing of the sort. his insecurities were the reason why he couldn't feel EVERYTHING I was willing to give him.

although admittedly, staying in domestic violence came from the belief that my love could help them. now thats controlling.

let people show them who they are, step by step, and over time.

[lilycat]

I struggle with anxiety & depression, and am guilty of being too controlling, much of the time. It is on the verge of destroying the few relationships I have. Your videos are very helpful! Many of the points made in this video resonate with me. Goodness, I need to change and it will be a challenge.

[FrederickRuss]

Holy cow! I cannot think of something more synchronous to exactly what I’m going through at the moment than your delivery here. Control is absolutely an illusion. Lovely to hear my own bs exposed by another mind than my own particularly guilting. Enjoyed as usual.

[aS-quvp]

I do with my son and he is 33 yo. It bothers me when people dont love me like i love them or treat me well like i treat them. I have issues but this video is helpibg me change that. I have no right to have any expectations of him now that he is an adult. Thank you Julia.

[Kristina-tpit]

People that think you have to make them happy, get their needs met/fix their problems are the worst (widouth your consent).

[noora]

I watch this video every week. And every time I remember something new about my past behavior.

[myebrockington]

Oh my GAWD!!! At first I was petrified, to watch this video (only because I could feel it speaking to me).


You are right about being controlling and how it is tied to anxiety. As a chronic suffering person I can honestly testify to your examples of how trying to keep it all together can drive you up a wall! I've only recently, discovered the art of "letting it go...or be". While I am ONLY on day two (lol) I feel happy. Being or feeling happy is something I haven't felt in a decade. Xo

[uglystupidloser]

guilt trip. check.

jealousy. check.

overtly criticize. double check.

punish for unspoken expectations. double check.

coercing personal ideals on others. double check.

punishing people for not following your advice or accepting your help. check.

😂😅 the mom story is chefs kiss.

projecting personal fear and anxiety onto others than prioritizing and respecting their opinion/ choice. check. wait, no. triple check.

super relatable, all of them, vut this last one in particular. either carrying other peoples emotional burden AND also expecting others to do the same.

its like im spending my entire life realizing why i do things. and that itself from trying to gain more control.

well, this one was fun.

[tayeishanunezbatres]

I love myself but I don’t always like myself because of some of these things, I’m so fed up with it. So happy I found you.

[CindyBear]

Thank you for this video! I'm the (F) child of an abusive alcoholic father. Heft when I was 13. Not surprisingly I have struggled with OCD all my life. Since I've gone through therapy most of my life; I am much better than ever. I say all this just to give you some background. But the reason for my writing this was simply to say thank you for your videos and this one in particular. ❤