12 Ways To Identify Narcissistic Parents

One of the easiest ways to determine the extent of a person's narcissism is to watch how they handle positions of authority. Parenting has a built-in authority role, meaning it can reveal many of a person's narcissistic tendencies. Dr. Les Carter identifies 12 of the most common ways parents can display narcissistic traits, then he discusses how you can proceed if you have been exposed to it.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[yambapiano]

My highly narcissistic parents takes “standing up for myself” as disobeying them.

[annking]

My 95 year old mother is a mean girl toddler. A little bundle of misery that one. Unbeknownst to her Dr. Carter has led me to my place of peace. She annoys me but doesn't consume me anymore. I finally figured out how to deal with her without sacrificing my self worth and esteem. I feel sorry for her and who she's chosen to be. She's a mess morally, ethically and spiritually.

[oceannomad]

I didn't realize it as a child, thinking that having mean and angry parents was a normal part of life. As just one example, I remember as a six year old being punished to a paddling and a one week diet of bread and water (no butter or jam) for being too slow to get fire fighting tools from the garage to put out a brush fire my father had caused. I look back many decades later knowing the best revenge on my parents has been being a better role model for my own children and that my adult kids are better role models than me. The cycle has been broken!.

[sunshine-dbzm]

I had my light bulb moment when i realised that my mom is a covert narcissist. This just happened a few months ago...realizing this truth has set me free from all the confusions that i had from my childhood....

[loishendricks]

I’m 68 and I can still clearly remember my mother telling me when I was 8, “I’m your mother, I don’t have to apologize.” That still hurts.

[thegodblogger]

Narc parents will demand "truth" from children, but will only accept the answers they want to hear. I've said it before and I'll say it again: THOSE TYPES TEACH CHILDREN TO LIE....because the children know that the truth the parents don't want to hear will be met with derision and/or punishment.

[gillianbrookwell]

My mother was a narcissist; She also had double standards, and she made everything about herself and was always the one that suffered the most. I loved her because she was my mother, but she was difficult. I remember never being able to please her, and throughout my entire life she never accepted me for who I was, always wanting me to be like somebody else. I didn't know until a few years ago what a narcissist was. Thank you Dr. Carter.

[roxymovie]

Identify Narcissistic parents:

1. Conforming and correctness override nurturing
2. Rarely elicts the child's perspective
(no empathy)
3. Accusations without considering context
4. Passive agressive privilege
5. Creates atmosphere of defensiveness
(No peace)
6. Teaching with shaming questions
7. Friendly in public & rude at home
8. Heavy use of a grading system
(good or bad)
9. Lots of telling, not discussing
10. Emotional immaturity
11. Playing favorites (triangulation)
12. Love feels very conditional

What does the child learn?

* fear & distrust

How will the child/teenager grow up?

* calculated and guarded
* grasping too willingly for attachments
* suspression of emotions
* anger can become ugly


What can you do?

=> Break the circle:
1. Become firmly grounded in what YOU believe (values, standards, priorities etc.)
2. Refuse to continue in subordinate role
3. If necessary, you may need to confront

And be aware that your N. parent did/does operate with her/his own brokenness.

Dr. Carter 👴 and Gus 🐶, thanks for another insightful lesson!

[annp_minnesota]

My 95 mother to a T also. She messed me up pretty bad mentally. I’m 59 and she’s 95. She forced Dad into a nursing home when he had legal papers stating “absolutely do not do this”. Dad died last October and his ashes were just interred, we got back from his funeral and she was gutting his closet, throwing everything out. It gutted me to see this. She put the family home up for sale immediately - what he didn’t want to happen. Now that Dad is gone, I have no reason to communicate with any of my siblings or her. This video was very validating, healing and helped undo decades of damage and gaslighting. Much more helpful in 13 minutes here than the 4 decades I spent in therapy and got nowhere. Thank you Dr. Carter.

[Voirreydirector]

Oh my goodness! This sort of thing wasn’t even heard of when I was young, and I am so grateful that you have made your wisdom accessible to young people. I look forward to it.

[angellacanfora]

One of my earliest memories is my mom telling me that I was "an accident." That sticks with you!

[michaelclark]

Even when I expressed my disapproval over some demeaning or derogatory remark my father would accuse me being rude and disrespectful when all I was doing was standing up for myself. Respect has to work both ways.

[manlyheart]

I must add, that it is ESPECIALLY difficult to spot narcissism in parents, that have broken their children in order to live through them.

I actually made a video about this - this kind of narcissist (very often - mother to her son) will NEVER let the child to build personal space (to have his own opinions, his own desires, to have self-respect, even) from day 1 of their life, and instead will "fill the gap" with an endless bond and "love". Basically, the child is broken and paralyzed at a very young age, and the mother becomes a vital prosthetic. The child, even after growing up, believes that he has the best mother in the world, and that she's just helping him because he's "unmotivated", or "she just knows better". These victims don't realize, that they are in slavery, and that their suffering is stemming from their master.

Now, while these type of narcissistic parents are of course using all the gaslighting and manipulation tactics in the book, they also always maintain this "loving emotional connection" (a leash) - since it's a way to have the ultimate control, while staying under the mask of a loving parent.

It is very, very difficult to spot this kind of narcissism, and even more difficult to cut that bond - since it had always been the ground under the victims feet from the moment they were traumatized.

[JC-]

This is an excellent video, as someone who comes from narcissistic parents. I did not realize what was going on until I hit my late 40s but I always knew instinctively something was very wrong. I simply needed life experience and time to look back at what happened in the previous years to start to figure it out, videos like these helped a lot. After confronting my parents and seeing their reaction it sealed the deal, I knew I was correct. They are elderly now, we have no contact since they have no ability to even begin to discuss anything they may have done wrong. Nothing is ever their fault. They have no ability to have empathy for anyone. To make matters worse they are very religious, but I have learned this too is very common for narcissist. My sister still supports them as she feels obligated to "honor" her parents, so she does not understand why I will not help. I explained, you do not have to honor someone who abuses you no matter how they are related. Thanks for the video, very informative for anyone dealing with narcissist parents.

[cann]

I was often manipulated, by my mom, with Scripture. Honor your mother and father was a particular favorite. It was code for you’re not doing enough for me.

[kellybarton]

Being a scapegoat child, this video triggered memories with my narc father. Golden child sibling and I are in our 60's now and there have been a few times recently where I've still had to take the blame for outrageous behaviour. No point putting my point across as it just falls on deaf ears now, whereas back then as a child I was told not to argue back. I've broken the cycle by distancing myself now. I'm good with that.

[DanS]

Dr. Carter, thank you so much for all of your insight, understanding, generosity, compassion, and wisdom shared in all of your talks. You are making a huge positive difference in the lives of millions of people.

[l.]

"As long as you are living under my roof you will do as I say. My will is stronger than yours my dear....you will never win against me" I was about 10-12 at the

[bronwyntanner]

My life with my narcissistic mother. You nailed everything. No contact since 2013. She is 90 this year. I will never see her again. Not until her funeral service

[butterflygirl]

My Mother had no boundaries even once I had reached the age of an adult. She shamed me about my appearance, marriage, beliefs, etc. I was always deemed lacking in one way or another. My sibling and I were always competing for attention and favor. Why would someone deliberately be cruel like that?