Toxic Shame and the ADDICTION To SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Videos Referenced:

Books Referenced:

[elisabettacomin]

me, watching this video as part of my obsession with self improvement: 👁️👄👁️

[indigoigloo]

2 minutes in and I’m convinced this lady has been stalking me since I was 14.

[jennw]

"Dignity is your inner parent saying to your inner child: 'It's OK that you have ended up where you have ended up in life. It makes sense, based on what has happened to you, that you have ended up here. So let's look at where we're at, together, with compassion. And let's figure out what we need to change as a team, so that we can end up somewhere better -- where we feel less defended, and more open to the world around us. I'm going to stay present with you, and I'm going to help you get there. I am not going to abuse you along the way.'"

[arthurdoyle]

*Signs you're using self-improvement as a way to cover up toxic shame*
1. You're willing to root for the FUTURE version of you, but feel contempt and disgust when you think of the person you are now
2. You use self-improvement as an excuse to ISOLATE and hide from other people ("disappear for 6 months and return a changed person" trope)
3. You use self-improvement to HIDE in plain sight (you refuse to relate to people as the person you really are, only talk about plans of the future, "sell" them a better version of you, never the present version)
4. You go through CYCLES through extreme work on yourself then burnout / collapse (grindset, high goals, "I'll be happy once I get there", no joy in the present)
5. Trying to stay in CONTROL of which feelings you're having when (terrified of spontaneous feelings / natural state of living; keeping shame out)

In order to overcome shame, instead of focusing on self-improvement, focus on:
- Developing DIGNITY (respect ALL parts of yourself)
- Reality CHECK your shame beliefs

Thank you Heidi! 💛

[youtumbelina]

shit heidi I just talked about this with my therapist YESTERDAY. she was like "you're fixed now. stop reading stuff and watching stuff. go live your life. be happy"

[smokingcrab]

All of us are victims of the mentality that says "you're not worthy to be loved unless you're perfect"

[juan_castellanos]

“At the end of the day, the first step towards healing from toxic shame means dropping the redemption fantasy of some future where the person you are right now with all of the feelings that the person you are right now has does not exist and you are some idealized version of yourself. And instead understanding that what true healing looks like is being the version of yourself you currently hate without hating them.”

I love that!!

[simonwilson]

I would always fail at being perfect, and then I would resent myself for the failure, and then I would have shame and want to isolate from everybody until I re-emerged as a new person.

[SuraDoes]

Overshare: I am envious of people who turned to studying and work to cope with their abusive childhood. I used escapism and avoidance by watching TV or singing or baking to cope with depression and anxiety as a child. Shamed myself for not picking things up quickly and avoided schoolwork or anything that made me feel inadequate. Toxic shame and stress has become an addiction I would like to stop.

[johnmcdevitt]

I've disengaged for 3 years. I go full days not using my voice anymore. Always hiding, always fixing, always excusing my present self to make way for the new improved that never arrives.

[shelbytimbrook]

Maybe it's just me, but I bet many of the people who go down that whole "detach, change yourself entirely, and come back unrecognizable" path, don't feel like their friends and family love them for who they are. I certainly don't. I certainly feel like they love me for what I can do, for my productivity, and if I weren't productive I'd be a burden.

Working on trying to 'fix' that, but it took me years just to be aware of it, so it's probably going to be a while.

[ShadowCatDreams]

Internet is such a dual sword. I did watch those videos that tell you to go away and heal and come back better. And I had a hard day and that sounded like the best idea. Just cut off everyone. And being enneagram 5 it's so easy to do. I think when we are tying to heal we will believe anything in the moment that can help us even a bit. So it's good to see somebody call that stuff out.

[INTJames]

Yep I grew up alone with an insane mother with multiple different types of narcissism that had no business trying to raise a kid when she can't even regulate herself, now I have zero self esteem, completely isolated, and constantly studying

[shelleyf]

Dignity. I have NEVER heard or read of a "mentor" suggesting this above or even in a relationship with self-esteem. I think it has been an unspoken aspect of the context of my efforts in this realm, but seriously, Heidi, you uncover and offer a depth of understanding of human nature that is so complete. The term "self esteem" no longer has space to lure me closer. But challenge me to think about the dignity I possess for myself, or certain parts of myself, now I am riveted to the process and ready to lean in. This, again, is your super-power!

[Chimpgurl]

I'm so excited for this I feel attacked already lol 😂

[figsuitcase]

I noticed that I was telling romantic partners that I would "get better" in the future, verbally re-enforcing the idea that I had something to apologize or make up for by being who I was in the present moment. "Sorry I'm me, but I promise I'll get better." I usually did this when I was feeling burnt out, or depressed, and my ability to stay in touch with a sense of worth was totally lost for a time. I love this new quest for a felt-sense of dignity. I'm ready to dive in and stop leaving this me behind. I deserve to be treated with dignity, and compassion, especially by my own self.

[egobit]

When I was 14 I became obsessed with pinterest posts about moving in silence, what people dont know they cant ruin. I made it a goal to be in my room always, to sit with myself and make myself unavailable to others.

It validated the idea that no one understood me because I only felt safe in my room. It validated the idea that other people were ignorant, they weren’t driven to understand themselves like I was. I felt isolated from others, I felt above them.

Looking back, I crave that maladaptive comfort. I am an adult now with responsibilities and priorities, I can’t afford to sit in my room on Pinterest all day. But boy was it the best cocoon.

I carry many deeply engrained habits and self-concepts from that time, specifically this feeling of superiority which I still automatically turn to to justify my fear of intimacy.

In my bubble, I love myself. Other people interfere with this. They are a threat.

You are helping me look at myself from an inquisitive perspective. Many dots are connecting between portions of my life I have never considered before. Thank you.

[meetandinspire]

"The first step towards healing from toxic shame means dropping the redemption fantasy of some future where the person you are right now with all of the feelings that the person you are right now has does not exist."

[jontnoneya]

Ugh - I've felt this addiction for so long it's led to this weird self-improvement backlash or fatigue or both. It's so weird. I bought "Healing the shame that binds you" but for the life of me I simply can't get motivated to read it because it's yet ANOTHER in a VERY long line of self-help books that I've been reading, studying and trying to implement in my life since the late 80s but mostly late 90s when I got sober. I'm literally SICK AND FREAKING TIRED OF WORKING ON MYSELF!! I'm going to be 57 this year and by no means am I perfect or healed or any of that. I've made great progress in many things in my life but I'm so damned sick and tired of self help crap that I can't even seem to do the simple things like read another book that might help me. Part of me is in full on rebellion and simply refuses to consider reading anything at all. Yet here I am watching a video about it.

[valleyspringrecoverycenter]

Great Video. Toxic shame is usually rooted in a belief of inherent unworthiness, perpetuating a cycle of dissatisfaction and self-critique. But we are worthy and we can recover.