Why I Can't Forgive You...

Forgive and forget, we have all heard the old adage. But what that doesn’t take into consideration is what we tend to assume when we hear the word “forgiveness.” I don’t know about you, but when I think of forgiveness I think of letting someone off the hook or approving of their behavior. Sometimes I even think forgiving someone means that I have to take them back or continue the relationship with them. But forgiveness doesn’t actually mean those things. Forgiveness really means to let go of any feelings of resentment, anger or a desire to get back at them. Forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with the other person, we have complete control over it, and can offer it to ourselves at any time.

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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[MarizaaaT]

“forgiving someone is a gift you give to yourself”

[OddinaryOne]

I dont want to forgive my father, but I’m learning to find peace with what happened.

[logancolson]

There's an example usage of "forgive" on Wiktionary: "Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." So maybe something catchy like "forgive and be at peace" or something like that.

[lovelight]

It's also perfectly okay if you can't forgive somebody or don't want to forgive them. Sometimes what somebody has done to us is so horrific and traumatic, there is no forgiveness to be had. That's ok.

[franklynnn]

[forgiveness by paramore plays softly in the distance]


"don't you go and get it twisted, forgiving is not forgetting"

[saraa]

Forgiveness is an act of self-love. You gotta forgive people so you can move on and ultimately heal. It's about granting your heart peace. It's almost like a selfish act because the person who is forgiving reaps all the benefits.

[chiaragervasoni]

I'm being quarantined together with my father, we've never lived together before and we're having a terrible time trying to act normal around each other. It's really hard for me to let go of how he made me and my brother feel in the past, he's been cruel towards us in multiple occasions and I can't get myself to overlook all of that. Thank you for sharing this Kati, I'm going to give it some deep thoughts. Love xx

[elliottstein]

I still find myself struggling between "forgiveness" and "acceptance" -- I can't really 'forgive' those who have been abusive toward me in the past, but I can accept that it happened and make peace with the fact that it wasn't my fault. Maybe that's as close as I'm able to get right now, though; it looks like a lot of others in the comments are showing a similar sentiment.

[itsme_squid]

I can already tell this is gonna hit home

[misslestat]

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." I find this helps me let go much easier. And you're right, it doesn't mean reconciliation. I may forgive. It doesn't mean I want to carry on as if nothing happened. It means I no longer give the other person my power in the form of my anger and resentment.

[GoatZilla]

A different "f" word phrase comes to mind whenever someone tells me to "forgive and forget".

[woolpuppy]

I also hate when people say that you have to let go of hurt and anger for your own sake, like my resentment isn't valid or the exact correct response to where you're at in processing.

Letting go is an important tool when you're ready, but whoever needs to hear it, let process their emotions in their own time!

[dizzydiddle]

*Sees title and thumbnail*
My BPD ass: “what did I do? :(((“

[HannahRainbow]

"Forgiveness; so that you don't have to keep thinking about that jerk!" 🤣 Quote of the year🏆😍 xXx

[Stardustchild]

I stopped forgiving people since my childhood. My experience showed me that when I forgave people they seem to think that it is a green light to repeat the offense. So I will never forgive others of their wrongdoing. Ever. I'm not making that mistake again.

[austinmcneill]

i really like how you defined forgiveness. but i think it’s also really important to recognize that you’re not obligated to forgive anyone - yes forgiveness allows you to let what happened go and move on, but you’re not obligated to do that. if you need to stay hurt, that’s okay! if what someone did to you is unforgivable, that’s alright!! you’re not under any obligation to forgive your anyone if you don’t want to or don’t feel ready to

[sminthian]

Forgiveness has too positive of a tone to it, it kinda implies a happy ending for both parties. There has to be another word for it, I think of it more as "I understand you did that bad thing, and you don't want to change and will keep doing it, so I'm just dropping you and the whole thing".
But yeah, I don't call it forgiveness.

[Danny-hevc]

Even though you explained how forgiving isnt "letting them off the hook", it still very much feels that way. There are/were people in my life who i cant forgive for that very reason. While i do not hold (active) resentment to most of them, i cant forgive them without them acknowledging that they wronged me. Since they never will, i wont forgive. It may sound unhealthy to some, but i've been forced to "forgive" before when i didnt want and it made me feel way worse than not forgiving them so i'll just go on, not thinking about them often, but never forgive

[cutiefruba]

I had a therapist who kept telling me I needed to forgive and reconcile with my father. I kept telling her being around him made me feel worse and I wish she had watched this video

[knowingtruthisbliss]

I now understand that forgiveness means liberating our own selves. I forgive them for me, so I can be at peace with my life and move on without an ill feeling. Thank you❤