The Deflecting Narcissist: Their Many Ways Of Being Evasive

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Over the course of any relationship, differences and conflicts arise and need to be discussed. Narcissists, being self-impressed and in need of control, have very crafty ways of responding when you need to talk about strains or differences. Primary among their reactions is the tendency to deflect, throwing you off topic, if possible. Realizing the importance of knowing a narcissist's tactics, psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies many of the ways narcissists attempt to evade accountability. Then he discusses how to keep from being thrown off your path as you hold firmly to your convictions and perceptions.

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

[MsNevermore]

We had Rod Serling to lead us through The Twilight Zone and we have Dr. C to guide us through The Gaslight Zone.

[sage]

Hearing someone else describe these tactics matter-of-factly is such a comfort and a reality check.

[candacecasey]

They talk in circles and cannot ever consider anyone else's perspective. Everything is seen as a " personal attack " and objectivity isn't even on the table.

[Morganistas]

Narcissists are the only ones who can convince the world that you are guilty of their sins. Expert scapegoaters.

[dyoung]

This is so accurate. "Adult conversation" with a narc is a pointless oxymoron.

[wifferste]

Multiple ways they do this: blame shifting, change subject, not respond, ignore you, be stubborn, name-call, get angry, try to turn others against you, lie, re-invent the truth, etc.

[kaybee]

My narc mom's favorite deflection: "I didn't raise you that way!"

My inner response: "You didn't raise me at all."

[sonnyca]

Cognitive dissonance combined with gaslighting is the ultimate emotional abuse especially when coming from a parent.

[TheSara]

Deflection modes:
1. Invalidation: "How can you think in such a way?!" or "
I can't believe you really think these things about me"
2. Denial: "I've never said/did it" or "This has nothing to do with me"
3. Character assassination: "You're such a looser", "You're always finding fault" or "You're so dumb". Throw these qualities on you hoping that you'll get dragged in a discussion about YOU and YOUR CHARACTERISTICS
4. Reversal: put the focus back on you
5. Communication shutdown (silence treatment, ghosting, or just
standing in front of you in silence and avoiding eye contact)
6. Mocking and ridiculing tactics: sarcasm, eye roll, speack in a sneering/haughty way like "So you're telling me that I'm the most impossible person that you have ever met. Wow, it must be so difficult to be you!" "I'm so scared that you're gonna complain about me again"
7. Confusing questions and comments (form of gaslighting): "You know, you're costantly making mountains out of molehills" or "Are you sure what you're saying actually happened ?Because there are many people who talked to me about the same thing and they have a totally different story" or "What's the deal anyway?! What do you want?" so you have to go back again and re-explain yourself and they'll make another confusing comment in a continue circle
8. Refocus the attention elsewhere: put the attention on another person or event
9. Circular debates: try to challenge your logic, for example "Don't you remember? You told me the exact opposite last week than you're talking to me now, so what's going on?"


The worst thing you can do is plead your case.

[marthasoenen]

“Make up their own truth as they go along.” Truth.

[breeviewAWAKENING]

That's your color Doc. Very nice shirt.

[janetstonerook]

I like how they say "EVERYONE KNOWS " that you (are some horrible thing). Like they have taken a poll of everyone you've ever known in your entire life and they have all gotten together and found you miserably defective!

[sw]

Thank you Dr Carter ---"The biggest mistake you can make is to plead your case." So many of us have learned the hard way. Your videos are life saving!

[davidp]

What about when they become the victim once you hold them accountable for their nasty behavior? “Oh, I guess I’m the worst person in the world!” That’s a biggie I have to deal with.

[mentalhealthiswealth]

They use your past mistakes to invalidate you in a current disagreement

[delaneyhead]

And when you start to figure them out, you are now “crazy”. Which is generally a good indicator that you are on to something

[dejavu]

When they finally realise they can't outsmart you they turn to a demeaning tactic like bringing up something the think will hurt you, then pretend that they had no idea it would hurt you.

[barbarachipman]

everything about this doctor is so interesting. the way he presents himself is comforting and insightful.

[lisawilliamson]

Or they say, "we don't need to discuss this anymore, it is getting out of hand and we will say something we may regret later". Even though, nothing is out of hand and everything is all calm. They are exhausting.

[Corinna_Schuett_GER]

That's exactly why you CANNOT talk to them EVER about ANY subject of choice. It's useless to reason with them. About ANYTHING. So very boring with them. Duh! 🤯