The Desire to Not Exist

The Desire to Not Exist is a mysterious feeling. Using Neon Genesis Evangelion I explain why we feel the desire to not exist.

Sources:
The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky
The Myth of Sisyphus by Camus
The Sickness Unto Death by Kierkegaard
Neon Genesis Evangelion
The World as Will and Representation by Schopenhauer
The Four Fundamentals of Psychoanalysis by Lacan

Songs: Bach Air on G String; Behelit (Berserk); Pipes (Kane Pixels); Thanatos, Decisive Battle, Borderline Case, Infantile Dependence, Shinji's Theme, Mother is the First Other, Substitute Invasion (NGE)

@Sisyphus55
#TheDesireToNotExist #NeonGenesisEvangelion

[ClarkElieson]

"There is no paradise for you to escape to. Go. Go back. Back to your battlefield."

[TheAwesomeDarkNinja]

It's such a weird feeling to be suicidal but not want to literally die.

[Coleslaw-wjqw]

Sometimes when my depression gets really bad, even laying down and doing absolutely nothing is still too much. Existing feels like work

[GamerTime_]

Explained in a simple sentence

I dont want to die, I want the pain to go away.

[meowmeow]

"I dont wanna die, but sometimes wish id never be born at all" - Freddy Murcury

[EndSchneider]

We want to cease to exist, not because we are sad or suicidal. It's because we just want peace. Peace is the answer to this riddle.

[WastePlace]

I would love to be a voiceless, bodyless spectator in everything. No horses in any race, just the ability to survey and learn from everything going on in the moment. It would be really enlightening

[thquan]

I hope the day I die there is no afterlife, I just want to be a being that floats with no purpose. No stress, no work, no drama, no boundaries. I’d most likely just wander from universe to universe just observing. That sounds like heaven to me

[noran]

Ive been struggling with suicidal tendencies and the desire to not exist since adolescence. I don’t remember how all of this even started i just woke up one day and wished I didn’t. Sleep has always been my favorite earthly experience, its so peaceful quiet and tranquil, i love how all the sounds feelings and thoughts disappear into the void. But at the same time, ive always thought the world was a beautiful place, the sky is breathtakingly beautiful throughout the seasons, the ocean, the hills, flowers and birds, i’m glad im alive to witness the beauty of nature and these dazzling sceneries make me feel like life is worth it.
My mind is trapped in a maze of contradictory thought, Between the meaninglessness of life, the burden of being alive and the beauty of nature. They all make sense to me somehow yet I can’t figure out what i really want.

[somethingsomething]

Every Evangelion fan has a degree in psychology

[nedmaster]

I'm always down for Evangelion analysis out of nowhere

[ghoulguts]

Thanks for explaining why 1984 and Evangelion gave me existential crises as a kid

[christianwalters]

God, I'm in such a low place right now. I can't express how much this video helped me to feel better. During the 15 minute span of this video, I went from feeling like a pile of slime to feeling kinda ok. For me, that's a huge jump in mood.
Thank you so much for making this.

[kew]

For me personally, I think it’s like I want to exist without consequences. It’s the desire to go where I want, do what I want, and live how I want without judgment or responsibility. I have struggled with people pleasing and social anxiety, so my mind eventually came to the conclusion that it would be better to just exist on my own, without others, free of consequence. But this has also made the concept of simply not existing seem enjoyable or peaceful as well.

[jesusinvegas]

As someone who's dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood, yeah, this is it. I don't want to be perceived - i don't want to have desire nor be desired nor have things desired of me. Turn me into the orange goo please

[Indianacones]

when I was suicidal and depressed I felt so lost. I now know that I never really wanted to kill my self in the first place, I just didn't want to feel depressed anymore and didn't know any other way out of it. I didn't want to kill me I wanted to kill my perception of reality.

[ARNite]

Broke down into tears after discovering this is the feeling I have been having for years now. Thank you for this discussion. I hope we all get better soon.

[katkat]

I started from
"I want to die" to
"I don't wanna exist anymore" to "
"I don't wanna be here" to
"I don't like what's happening around me" to
"I just wanna be happy"

and now it's "i just wanna live".

I ain't as happy as I wanna be, but I now have things I want to do. And I write them down on my notes app because oftentimes I go back to that corner where life has no meaning and i just don't know why i exist. So when I read that notes app, I find that 'hey, there is something i wanna do. it's a short-term goal but it's a goal to do'

[plobclop]

This is why I love staying up late at night. It's the only time of the day where I feel truly free, like a time where I can experience not existing for someone else for a while. It's also a way to "pause" the start of the next day. And watching the sun rise at 5am through my bedroom window, my AC running while I bury myself with my comforter, is when I'm most at peace.

[zach.hanford]

I feel like the part of it that can't be understood by those who haven't experienced it is simply how not-circumstantial it can be, and how guilty that can make you feel.

I've dealt with depression for most of my life. I have an amazing wife, a great job, I love our home and our life. But sometimes, regardless of all of it, I just want to lay face-down on the ground and wait out the heat-death of the universe.

And feeling that way when by all accounts you have a great life carries so much guilt. How dare I feel that way, with my great life, when there are those whose circumstances are so much worse than mine desperately pleading for just one more moment? Who am I to not value what I have while walking past the homeless, the alone, those whose time is fleeting and running out?

But it isn't logical. You can't just... logic your way out of feeling this existential desire to just... quit.

And as many of the other comments have specified, I don't want to die. I have no desire to actively take my own life. But if I could just... lay down and fast forward to the end? I can't guarantee I wouldn't take that deal.