the desire to simply not exist

*This video was written quite a while ago and I don’t necessarily share these feelings anymore but hopefully someone out there can connect with these words

EDITING: by Housecat

MUSIC

"This Is Not Effortless" by True Cuckoo

"Cocktail Hour" by Aaron Kenny

[vwayveron]

idk if u can read this but i think this will be in ur recommended or maybe u already watched it. but i hope you stay for a lil bit longer. until we can't anymore. let's wait for it to happen. together. don't just leave me behind. i know how dreading it is to live, or maybe i dont. and maybe im being selfish for asking you to stay and just live for me. idk, im starting to hope again, that maybe there's sumth for us in there. in the future and it's not just coming yet. so please stay. let's see what's coming for us together, yea?

[yeux]

Ive always wanted to be a spectator. Like how in games, when you die, you go into spectator mode. You don't exist, but you still get to watch and move around wherever you want. Its also like reading a book, you're a spectator to the characters inside. Just tagging along by their side without having to exist and experience the problems. Anyway, I think that's what turned into a real bad habit of daydreaming too often. And now Im too lost in my head and made my life miserable. I need something to nail me down to reality

[ravioliravioli]

I seriously freaked out when i saw this video in my recommended because it's exactly what I'm feeling. People think I'm suicidal but I'm not. I could never kill myself. The weight of my responsibilities and the weight of my future is all crushing me to the point i just don't want to do anything. It's even worse because no one understands this and just gets worried

[EBRyan-ritt]

Trying to subtly drop into a conversation "I just want to be a rock at the beach for 400 years, and then try life again" without sounding insane

[skycollar]

I've been trying to explain this sensation to people for so long, as soon as i saw the title, i clicked. My psychiatrist asked me what my three biggest wishes are, my first answer was exactly this. I told her i'm not suicidal, I dont have the guts to kill myself, neither the desire, but that i just want to vanish from existence. Gone with my songs, my writings, my drawings, all of the images and memories of me, ingrained into other people's concsiousness. That's different from dying, it's disappearing. My biggest wish. If only i knew how to do it.
The Radiohead song "how to disappear completely" doesn't actually give any real answers, which is disappointing.

[voilet-the-non-violet-vulpix]

When I tell people “Everything feels grey, I wish I could stop existing”, they hear “Everything feels black, I want to kill myself”
They aren’t the same. Black is intense, everything feels bland. I don’t want to die, I just want to sleep for the rest of my life.
Crying doesn’t feel good anymore at these times.

[Amelia-gezu]

Ive been called passively suicidal but this is what I really feel and want. I dont want to die exactly I just want to live life in spectator mode.

[okplay]

It's good that we're able to discuss such topics without judgement from other people. Somehow, by sharing these thoughts and reflections, the world becomes a little less scary and a little less weird.

[namtellectjoonal]

I cried reading the comments here, not because they made me sad but because it made me feel relieved that I'm not the only person who has those thoughts and feelings
I'm not depressed or suicidal, I have never seriously considered ending my life, but sometimes when the weight of responsibility gets too heavy, when there's so much stress I feel close to breaking, when I realize how much work, stress and responsibility is ahead of me, I just wish I was in a void where I feel nothing, have no responsibilities, where I can just float, sleep, rest, without even dreaming
I have heard of these salt water pods that basically deprive you of all sensory input and they sound like heaven to me

[ziggy]

“I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.”

-Queen

[finagriffin]

The amount of times “I could go for a coma right now” popped into my head is an abundant amount.

[celestiaaaa]

“Depression is like being colorblind and being told how colorful the world is.”

-some guy on the internet

[heck]

Honestly, the best way I've found to explain this feeling is "I don't want to die, but I don't want to be alive either" because while it seems contradictory, anyone who has experienced this feeling will understand it

[barath]

Damn I've been feeling this quite more than usual this year

[time-mars]

This feels way more welcoming to me than a random stranger saying "Don't be depressed! There's so much to be happy about!" Because yes, there is so much to be happy about, but there is also so much to be sad, angry, and depressed about as well. Escaping it won't help; it will just temporarily pause the sad, angry, and depressing stuff until I come back. But if I get through all that stuff, who knows what will happen? Will I be happy, or will I get through it again?

[backgroundcharacter]

I don’t want to exist. Not die. But not exist. I want to be an overseer. Not someone who is in any situation to make choices, but rather watch and just watch.

[sott]

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”
― Mark Twain

[mel.inaaaa]

I can relate to this. Sometimes I just think to my self "wouldn't it be better to not have to deal with any of this?" Like I don't want to kill myself I just think it would be easier to just not be here. There's not a single reason to do any of this so why do I try to make my life better day by day even if it doesn't seem to work. I like life I guess, it's just sometimes really exhausting. At the same time, I'm scared of not being alive and what's to come after death. So I just go along with life.

[ALiE]

I’ve thought a lot abt this. A lot of times having this feeling of “I don’t want to exist.” Except not necessarily thinking of suicide as an escape from that. I don’t want to “exist”, but it’s also like... “I want to *never* have existed in the first place.” But that’s impossible, even if I were to take my own life. I would still have existed. I feel functionally “dead” a lot of the time & neglect social media bc of this intense feeling of just not wanting to “exist” for a little while. Not wanting to be known. Not wanting to be observed. Not wanting to do or be anything.
But then that clashes w/ the side of me that *does* want to do things, or be something. But then there’s the side that feels there is something inherently “ugly” or “wrong” abt my existence, and nothing I do can ever change that, so then I feel I’d rather not exist at all, or have existed.
But, there are things I still care about. Sentimentalities. I still want to make something that will make someone happy. I still think the world is pretty amazing, even tho it’s also really really awful and Idk what to do abt it. There are things I’m still thankful that exist.
It’s just hard to capture and maintain those sentimental feelings sometimes, when i still feel so dead inside. There are things I like, but sometimes I just can’t feel anything. I’m sure that anxiety and fear of the worst plays a part in that.
I’m thankful for this video.

[eceacar]

The last sentence really got to me. “Non existence will come to me soon enough. So why not stick it out for just a little bit longer?”