Stop expecting therapy to fix you

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Intro music: Smooth and Cool by Nico Staf
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go

In this video, I explain why expecting therapy to be a quick fix often backfires. It is a form of resistance to inevitable pain. I also share the ways in which I think older forms of therapy had the better idea about what it means to have mental health.

Time Stamps:
0:00 The evolution of therapy
7:43 Pain is an inevitability of human life
11:03 Seeking a quick fix will worsen your distress
12:18 What is mental health?
14:32 Mental health is not the absence of illness

[reporterin-ha]

I think good comparison is therapy is like going to cooking lessons. You're there to learn how to cook better, it's not the teachers job to make you a meal, and how well you cook outside of lessons depends how much you practice outside of class, you also can't blame the teacher for your bad cooking if you won't use the right equipment, or the right ingredients.
The problem is a lot of people think going to therapy is like going to a restaurant and you can just order good mental health.

[huha]

I don't expect to have anything fixed, I just want to wake up, not regretting the fact I woke up.

[wienzzz]

Acceptance. That's what helped me the most. Accept the good and the more bad parts of me. Not trying to fix myself, ironically helped me be more comfortable in my own skin. Accepting who I am and the outcomes of the situation's I'm in, but still realistic enough to try to improve, grow and aim for outcomes I do prefer.

[theroadlesstraveled]

I had a therapist tell me at our second session that I just needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I was there for depression treatment. We didn’t have a third session.

[philipholding]

In my career, I never helped anyone. I helped them to help themselves ( retired NHS psychotherapist).

[rickyc]

Sometimes suffering and going through the motions is the only way. It's just a cloudy season, sunnier days will come soon

[justadudeX]

I started therapy several months ago not to get a quick fix but a long and gradual healing to my complex trauma in order to experience joy, confidence, a sense of agency, self love and peace of mind in my adult life. Of course pain and hardship is part of life and cannot be fully avoided but I need the daily emptiness, the misery, the self sabotage to stop. If i have kids someday I need to know that Im doing a good job and not just throwing my trauma onto them. Therapy is neither quick nor does it make you perfect or untouchable to painful emotions. It simply equips you with the ability to handle lifes' challenges much better if you submit to the process.

[vlst]

I don't expect therapy to fix me. I expect to find out what it's like to have someone offer me genuine understanding, compassion and cooperation. As well as learn how to build meaningful, fulfilling relationships with people who are capable of that going forward.

[oanavonu-boriceanu]

As a fellow psychologist who is new in the field this video cannot be more helpful! I am primarily a jungian oriented clinician and I have had many thoughts and feelings about it how to reconcile these differing modalities in my practice. It has been quite the struggle in providing clients relief but also long term insight and more lasting change.

[alexyssaubrie]

I’ve watched probably a million videos in my lifetime and I never say this, but this video was seriously life changing. I could go into a whole story of what I’ve been through with therapy but I am so grateful I found this today.

[jeffwhite]

"It's not a sign of good health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Krishnamurti

[tyz]

I never knew resistance was this profound. I like to spend a lot of my spare time listening to music. When I listen to music, I generally like sad, slower, love song-type music. What I am realizing now is that I have been accidentally getting rid of my resistance when I do so. Listening to sad music like that plunged me into my own darkness, sank me beneath my murky waves, and gave me clarity. I knew I had problems. I knew I was not perfect yesterday, and won't be tomorrow. And at times, that hurt. I used music to solve all of my problems and didn't ever really know why. Your videos always provide me with insight. I appreciate you making this content. You are truly an inspiration to me. I hope one day to gain my doctorate in this field as well. Thank you.

[zyanyagarcia]

The way that I have been viewing it lately is this: my approach to therapy is no longer to "fix" myself. I used to be quite hard on myself and be unforgiving of my mistakes and flaws. I didn't realize I was aiming for "perfection" because of my deep shame around feeling defective and needing to earn being good enough, being loved.
Therapy isn't about control. It's about giving myself permission and grace to live the human experience. That means not always having the right answer, sometimes making mistakes. But it also means, not fixating, it means living more authentically, more freely. Knowing and trust that I am the type of person that learns, that values growth and integrity, and above else, someone who truly wants to care for me and enjoy my life.

[gamerookie]

I been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor for about a year now. I had my permit for a couple years prior. This video really resonated with me. So much of my job is explaining all of this to my clients.

One thing I noticed that wasn’t completely touched on in this video is a client developing attachment and being co-dependent on a therapist. Many people have severe trauma and fears of abandonment because they grew up around a very invaliding environment. Often times a therapist is the first person that ever provided space for an actual positive connection in their lives. This results in the client not wanting to lose that connection, so they become resistant to change, or they may even sabotage progress in order to keep the therapeutic relationship going. It’s very hard as a clinician to manage this, despite setting so many boundaries.

[infinitegods]

Therapy provided me with the knowleddge and tools to address the challenges I was facing

[youtoobe]

I tried therapy, aside from having someone who was able to make me feel seen and heard, which was great but could only go so far when you're paying out of pocket for them to 'care' about you, ultimately, I concluded that only I would be able to dig myself out of whatever hole that I felt I was in.
This was further compounded when my therapist started telling me about Jungian modalities, which I was already well versed in because of my natural interests in the subject matter.
At that point I realized that what I was truly looking for was intimate friendships and relationships.
I also understood that I was the only person that could choose to roll up my sleeves and ''do the work'' of healing my emotional body.
6 years later and I feel I'm leagues ahead from where I started, in a much better place & I wouldn't trade any of that pain even if I could.

We need more people like you that share the less than palatable truth, so thanks for everything you share Ana, it's helping a lot of people out there.

[the-ec]

during the last couple of days, I've been having the urge to start therapy because I wanted a quick fix

October 2024 upd: i read your comments and started. it is going great, finally found the perfect therapist for me. took me trying like 7 times

[jurbua]

I truly wish I can find a therapist in my country that is educated and cares about their field as you do.

I really envy your clients.

[Heyokasirenieisxso]

The issue is health insurance first of all more than anything, then not everything works for everyone

it's not a cure it's to facilitate healing but mostly what's wrong with therapy is the therapist, people are joining fields to which they have not natural talent or even pain of their own to relate and therefore taking a superior complex over the patient that and looking for an easy paycheck

[PoseidonDiver]

Easily one of the most important things a person needs to understand for any recovery.
I recall telling my psychiatrist when I was a young adult that there is essentially nothing that he could do for me, as ultimately how I feel and the way I perceive life can only be changed by me.
Therapy is only a tool to help one change their mindset and behavior. This does not lessen its importance!