The Paradox Of Letting Go

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Have you ever really wanted something?

Have you gone on a job interview and really, really wanted them to approve of you and hire you?

Or maybe you've met someone at a party and before going on a date with them, you're really, really hoping they'll like you and want to be with you.

Now, you may ask, what's wrong with wanting things?

I go after what I want, isn't that a good thing?

The short answer is yes, it's incredibly important to know what you most desire and to pursue it with passion and intensity. However...

When we're fixated and attached on a particular outcome, our energy often has a grasping, frantic, or desperate quality to it.

Where have you noticed this in your own life?

Have you ever really, really wanted someone to like you? Maybe you thought they were attractive or successful and you were really attached to them seeing you positively.
What happened? How did it go? Were you nervous, stilted, or awkward?

Did you not have anything to say, or find that you just talked non-stop about inane things because you were so nervous? Maybe you had a big grin plastered on your face and just smiled and nodded enthusiastically at whatever they said.

When we're very attached to one particular outcome, we can become physically tight and contracted and mentally obsess about getting what we want.

We may also start feeling tense, anxious, stressed or frustrated.

When you notice this in yourself, the most liberating thing you can do is temporarily let go of getting your outcome.

That's right, to actually say to yourself: What if I let go of wanting to get this job? What if I let go of trying to make this other person like me?

What?!

Let go of wanting that job, of wanting that person to like me? That's ridiculous, I need that job. It's incredibly important to me. I've dreamed about having it for years. That's the man of my dreams, if he doesn't like me, it will be terrible.

Yes, you very much want these things to happen, so you're going to do everything in your power to make sure reality goes the way you want it to.

Letting go can actually help you be more likely to achieve your outcome (and feel better along the way).

Here Are 5 Reasons Why Letting Go Will Help You:

1. When you let go you're more likely to actually achieve your outcome. Being fixated on and attached to only one outcome often causes us to do the very things that prevent us from getting what we want.

"One often meets his destiny on the road he avoids to take it." -- Master Oogway

2. When you let go, you make better decisions. When you're less fixated on things going the one "right way" you're much more flexible and creative. You see there are many ways to meet everyone's needs and solve problems.

3. When you let go, you feel better instantly. Much of our suffering comes from resisting what's happening or fearing what might happen. When you let go, you allow yourself to relax into the moment and emotions such as peace and happiness are more accessible.

4. When you let go, your body relaxes and becomes healthier. Being very mentally and emotionally fixated on something creates a strong physical tightening in your body. Your shoulders, neck, chest, or stomach may become chronically tense or tight. When you breathe deep and let go, your body can soften and relax.

5. When you let go, you can actually enjoy your outcome when you get there. The worst part about being fixated and attached to one outcome is we often can't experience pleasure or joy even if we achieve our goal. If you're attached to someone approving of you, then during the conversation you're constantly checking whether they like you or not. You may miss the fact they smiled at you, and laughed when you made a joke. Being attached actually causes you to miss out on the joy of getting what you want.

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[jdt]

This even applies to sports performance. There's that balance that will get you strength and if not; rigidity

[dinutiberiu]

this guy is awesome. I watched some of his videos that I felt related to, just by searching his channel and some of the simple techniques are game-changers. I remember this technique that I forgot because of my very busy life, and it's all about to paradox most of your things just by taking a deep breath, apply a waiting time, and then just move on in doing something small because most of the emotions/ "fear" in our mind is just not applying it to a little outside the box thinking. when an emotion is very deep in on a thing that you want to do or want to say the best result in my case is to strap down everything related and think clearly for a couple of seconds and the answer is always something like "maybe I'll get a positive response, maybe not, maybe that person will like it, maybe it will not, maybe I will like it, maybe not." and so on. but to take it even more simple I think the right answer is "I don't know exactly what is going to happend, but I know 2 things: I know that I can pull back, rethink a little bit the situation and go again and second if I don't risk it how do I know what I think is true, good or not. so if you don't risk it you don't know where to go next." so take small risks because they lead to great things. build trust in small things, like a conversation with an everyday person. and that most of the time triggers something like "wait, I know how to have fun, or wait, I know how the subject for this meeting, hell yes I just been a part of the project, or oh wait, I'm going on a date it's just a random person, of course, she is beautiful but hey, what is beauty compare to cooking or design" I use another technique when I start with a compliment, even if it's just for myself in my head and just move it around in different parts of my life and enjoying the peace and all the beautiful things that I experience by working on a simple compliment to myself and letting my mind wander for a couple of seconds. then when I pull back I'm keeping that momentum of good feeling that in just a couple of seconds just start making my day go smoother.

[Froehlerify]

You have just put a smile on someones face who has not truly smiled in months. I thank you greatly Dr.Aziz. I will be following your videos from here on out!!

[leeosborne]

there is a principle of mind where when you want something really bad you have to struggle with it-racking your brain. My calculus teacher pointed this out. Your struggle impresses your subconscious. Then when you get your mind off the thing you want and are relaxing or napping an insight will drop into your conscious mind. For me it was that the thing I wanted was not really what I wanted but I needed to approach with a slightly different outlook.

[fembot]

I am a preschool teacher and my detachment issue comes from caring too much about the kids in my care. Some of the kids need to be evaluated for developmental delays but because of deep denial the parents do nothing. I feel a lot of pressure to be the childs advocate and it creates a stressful situation for me. I want to let go and am good at it for other things but this area is causing me issues.

[MrNikki]

Your videos have been so helpful for me! All of these videos can pertain to sports, but I think it would be so helpful  to have one for that specifically. About competition, the fear of messing up, the panic you get right before you mess up. 

[georgiaconti]

Letting go means you DON'T CARE whether it ever comes or not. Nothing ever comes to me until I don't want it. That's life. Deal with it.

[Eaglez]

Thanks Dr Aziz, I was looking for your videos and found it at the right time, helps a lot, subscribed :)

[sohaibahmed]

Thanks man I was actually going through a situation like this today where i wasn't letting go.

[rina]

Dr.Aziz, can you make a video about friendships? how to make new friends? or how to deal with a friend who is trying to distance herself from you?  my friend is avoiding me, because she thinks that i don like her company anymore.. the truth is that i was really stressed from my exams and i did not have so much time for her, but now she is the one who has no time for me anymore...i thought she could understand me, but she is not. Because of that, i realised that i need to be more social and to make more friends in my life, and not keep waiting all the time for her to have time for me. She is spending most of her time with her boyfriend or some other friends...there is no time for me. Anyway, please, can you make more videos about friendship? your videos are so powerful and inspirational!!!  i am really looking forward to buy your book for social anxiety soon!

[mmmmmm]

Since 5 years ago, I've developed a compulsive habit of trying to recall what I forgot and dwelling on thoughts. I believe it stems from the fear of losing control and not having things work out like I want them to. I came a long way and learned to let go a lot, but the feeling of something missing lingers, and it doesn't bother me like it used to, but it doesn't go away, I believe I developed a form of mental OCD. I don't know how to resolve it, the negative feeling is sub lodged in my psych now and I never really enjoy a moment in the present anymore

[leeosborne]

The poster boy for not being nice and getting things done should be Admiral Hymen G. Rickover. See his story on Amazon

[memomemos]

truth to be told. I loooved your video n yr energy!!

[DoriDoesVoices]

I'm gonna do my best to put this into practice. Thank you, Dr. Aziz! I do feel a little better now! :3

[soahamdatta]

What if I like playing the guitar and singing and I know they like it? What a conundrum!

[hetiseikeltje]

what did you study??? interesting books and certificates i guess...:p it is helping anyway;)   btw you make great videos with humor, everything makes sense and best of all really motivating!! keep up:)