Mastering the Paradox of Acceptance and Change With Anxiety- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

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Are you on the side of accepting and embracing who you are now or do you crave more change? Do you think that change is always a good thing? Join me for a discussion on acceptance and change to see which side you land on. I hope to give you a new perspective to help you live your best life!

I’ve made a lot of content about acceptance and about how being willing to feel your emotions can be really helpful. But if you’ve watched a lot of my videos you also know that I make a ton of videos about growth and hope and change and lowering anxiety.

So it’s fair that I often get asked how do I reconcile this idea of acceptance with change, for example this question from a student: “I'm a bit confused about how doing exercises to regulate the nervous system fits in with the previous section where we were encouraged to be willing to 'feel' emotions. These exercises sort of feel like an attempt to get rid of negative emotions.”

This is a great question and I think it’s a really important question to carefully consider. I think it is really easy to get mixed up when it comes to figuring out how to manage emotions. Because it does seem like such a paradox, in order to resolve emotions you have to be willing to accept that they may not resolve.
In order to change how you feel, you need to stop trying to change how you feel. I can see how this is confusing. I’m going to do my best to clear it up. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, aka ACT, really walks that fine line of balancing Acceptance and Change.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[kimraethridge]

The best advice I ever had on this subject is just to observe the emotion without judgement. Like watching a wave roll in and saying oh I recognize that it is sadness again with no judgement and no attempts to repress, no one ever died of a feeling so don't fight it just let it happen without judgement. I was surprised to find out most feelings get processed and peace and acceptance follow.

[Youdothedishes]

9:58 - "Acceptance doesn't mean that you always win, but it means that you get to play."

Idk, I just found that quote really profound.

[tonjo]

This makes SOOO much sense!
Last week at school I felt a bit dizzy. I was like "you're just anxious, just use a skill you know" . So I used slow breathing. When I noticed that my dizziness didn't get better, I started feeling more and more anxious. And before I knew it, I was stuck in a loop of fighting with my emotions. Eventually, I calmed down (after 1 hour or so). But now I know that I should have just said to myself "this is temporary, it'll go away"
Thanks to the people that read that far :-)

[colorburst]

This reminds me of what Carl Rogers said. “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” I struggle with this so much. How the heck do I lean into something so uncomfortable and frustrating. Work in progress. Thank you so much for all that you do and share❤️. It’s incredibly helpful with moving trapped emotions and healing trauma.

[cheerbeerification]

This is why it's important to schedule meditation, and not only do it when you feel anxious. The meditation will take a cumulative effect over time and it won't turn into a struggle against anxiety.

[tonjo]

A willingness skill that I've made myself is imagining my emotions (mostly negative ones) as cute little characters. Then I imagine welcoming these characters in my head. It may sound weird, but it has worked for me so I wanted to share it with others 😅

[jamessawyer]

I love to hear how therapist struggle with the same issues that we have. I think it makes us or me feel better that these emotions and struggles are normal. And there are many ways to not let them control your life . Thanks Emma for sharing your experiences. I loved how you said to your self " silly emma".LOL. I say that to myself sometimes too. Your the best keep making this good content. 👍

[AS-kfol]

"this too shall pass" - my grandmother's most impactful saying for anxiety and negative emotions. It's not who you are, it's just how you feel.

[sweetmelodies]

Words ain't enough to thank you, I've watched many of your anxiety videos and they brought me back from a dark place, I couldn't afford a therapy session and I didn't want to bother anyone and God sent me an angel, thank u Emma

[amandakaras]

I have been letting my anxiety run my life to the point that I have no life. I have been avoiding leaving my house because I am afraid of having a panic attack in front of people, and they will think I am crazy and not worth helping. I have been wanting to change this pattern because it is not me. Thank you for showing me how I can take baby steps to become the person I want to be.

[oopsydaisy]

I have had panic disorder for 40 years. My panic attacks were terrifying because every time I thought I was dying. It got so bad I considered suicide. Then I realized I wanted to die because I was so afraid of dying! That was a turning point. Even with meds I still occasionally have severe attacks but now I tell myself well, if I die, so what. It will happen to all of us. That mindset takes the edge off and helps a lot.

[AMcDub]

Acceptance is not Resignation. This changed my perspective.

[brianwatts]

This is a great lesson I learned from my therapist. After my wife passed away several years ago I had a lot of anxiety and depression over being alone. Thinking I would be alone for the rest of my life was really really scary. Once I accepted this reality, I no longer feel anxious. I still hope to meet someone new but no longer feel desperate. Thanks Kati.

[PizzaHandhelds]

This is the way to conquer anxiety. It worked for me 100%. BRING IT ON!!

[rajzakku]

This reminds me of when I started having panic attacks 2 years ago and even if I wasn't fully aware of the concept of acceptance I learned by trial and error that it was the best approach. The thing that was affecting me the most during a panic attack was the fear of it getting worse, the impending insomnia and the desperation of not having a technique to stop that horrible feeling immediately. Only when I started visualizing the panic as a storm in the sea I had to weather somehow I stopped trying to fight it and it subsided eventually. No expectations, no fears of it getting worse, just ride through it experiencing all its feelings and keeping in mind that it would pass and I would have time to recover when I woke up the next morning.

[fabiennerivet]

My therapist told me the same things. I was expecting her to give me tools and skills and stuff to DO. Whereas she just told me to BE. It's hard to put in practice when you've been stuck in a certain pattern for years but I'm trying :) thanks for the reminder Emma!

[prajaktagodbole]

I am immensely grateful for your videos. Thank you very much for the thoughtfulness and generosity. I listen to you everyday. You give so much practical advice. I have done therapy before, but found it to be waste of my time. I used to get triggered each time just explaining my issues, without learning much from the therapist. You are truly a blessing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤

[whatsupchannel]

Anxiety is something I have learnt to live with, I cope by sitting down and allowing it to pass . I have done this for many years only by accident not because I knew what to do . In my heart I knew that they are feelings that pass but they can be very life limiting and take away freedom to be and enjoy . My anxiety started at the age of around 4 years old and still continues but much much less 50 years on .

[marmaz]

Gosh, Emma - you have a true gift for teaching and coaching. "The Default Setting - Accepting my Emotions". A clear goal. Thanks!

[hatsjkedee]

To me the two moments of true acceptance I've experienced in my life in the face of fear, didnt per se feel like walking away from the dragon, but more like putting down my shield and weapons to accept/welcome my deadly fate and being left with the direct realization that the dragon I fought wasn't even real.
The mind is a miraculous thing.