Borderline Personality Disorder: What Does it Feel Like to Have BPD?

Borderline personality disorder can be challenging to go through or to watch a loved one go through. Both sides suffer tremendously. But what does it feel like to experience BPD? Psychiatrist Dr. Ulrick Vieux walks us through the symptoms and experience of having borderline personality disorder.

About Dr. Ulrick Vieux

Dr. Vieux is the founding Psychiatry Residency Program Director at Garnet Health Medical Center. He currently serves as the Chairman and Medical Director of Behavioral Health at Garnet Health Medical Center. Dr. Vieux completed a residency in Family Medicine at New York Medical College (Brooklyn-Queens campus) prior to completing a psychiatry residency and child and adolescent fellowship at St. Luke’s/Roosevelt Medical Center. Dr. Vieux also completed fellowships at the AOA-Health Policy fellowship and NYU Psychoanalytic fellowship. He has held academic appointments at Harvard Medical School, Columbia University College of Physician and Surgeons, Mt. Sinai-School of Medicine, TouroCOM and Meharry College of Medicine.

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Disclaimer: This video is for informational purposes only. Ask your doctor for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

[JoshLuck]

If I was asked to describe it. It's just extreme everything. And everything is black and white no middle ground and feeling so lonely

[DD-jmug]

Exhausting is how I always describe it. Debilitating. Stops life moving forward. Unloved. Can't love. Empty. Lost. Want it to end. Frustration. Anger. Let down. Suspicious. Mind reading. Black and white thinking. Mood changes within minutes. Paranoia ..Constant changes in how we view ourselves.fillin that empty void..wanting to harm ourselves..stops us progressing in life..overthinking.go to And then it all starts over and over and

[allthingskeith]

Was diagnosed with BPD at 53, spent my whole live fighting a demon I could see. Now I control it I'm in charge. I use medatation 3 times a day, and force myself to live outside my comfort zone. It's a constant battle but I'm alive and loving life. It's a horrible condition but it's manageable. Love to all you who fight with BPD

[xoxobutterfly]

The scariest part when I go through a episode is seeing the darkness in your eyes and being scared to look yourself in the mirror. Literally my eyes will become darker. Like I'm no longer in control someone else takes control of me.

[robbiekelley]

Feeling like I’m always looking for myself but never finding me, and seeing the future failure in a relationship causes me to push away and then when they finally do leave I cling so tightly until the fight or flight causes me to destroy what I once couldn’t live without

[dancingfirefly]

I just read about someone having BPD, and I watched this to get an idea of what BPD is. After watching this and reading the comments, it sounds absolutely miserable. It describes a friend I had, too. She was a cutter and burner, and said she did it so she could feel something, anything! To each of you here who say you're struggling with BPD, please know that you have touched my heart, and I am so very sorry that you have to suffer like this. I have prayed for each of you. ❤

[jillian]

does anyone with bpd feel like they’re a small person standing inside their own brain? watching everything fall apart? like you have no control over anything, and you just aren’t you. i feel like the disorder controls me so much, that i have no control over myself. often times i only remember myself as a small child, when i think of who i am, i think of 6 year old happy me. i’m just watching the older me deteriorate and i can’t stop it… and sometimes i second guess if i even have this disorder. hence why i’m here, questioning everything.

[stephaniedewingaerde]

The thought of abandonment is so constant

[danielleirwin]

Yep tht sums it up. Thts how I feel all the time and it hurts so bad. I wake up crying sometimes, because I woke up. When all I wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up again. It’s a daily battle

[sigmarecovery]

As a man, I liken it to being a Zebra with red stripes. I was diagnosed VERY late in the game at 44……depression and suicidal ideation began in childhood. I always sensed there was something different about me. My disorder took kinda an odd twist or mutation…..it heightened my intuition to spooky levels and increased my empathy and compassion, very unusual for a man. BPD leaves me feeling very raw emotionally, every emotion I feel is beyond what others feel. Even my baseline emotional state is different. An average persons “happy” feels like pure ecstasy to me while someone else’s “sad” feels like death. The psychological pain is the most excruciating aspect of the disorder….again, emotional pain, distress, angst, hurt, etc is amplified….it feels like my very soul is hemorrhaging. At times, my BPD makes me feel as though I could take on the world, it makes me fearless when my protective instincts kick in and it enhances my creative side, as I am a decent poet. When depression strikes, it is absolutely crippling. It is the kind of melancholy that swallows you whole. I have a hungry heart on steroids but relationships are just absolute chaos. I present as both dominant and passive, masculine and feminine. I feel a strong connection to animals and children. The heightened intuition suited me very well during my career in law enforcement, I pick up on things subconsciously that others don’t.

[lopirobinson]

As a 40 year old man who's been dealing with BPD since I was 16, 17 I've realized that I've spent so much of my life pretending to be my idealized versions of a person that I came to hardly know myself. That's the emptiness. Rage, self loathing isn't a strong enough description of the hatred I can feel towards myself. I'm not whining, I probably deserve it. See what happened there? Yeah. Whenever something terrible happens, after the initial grief I tell myself, "Good, you deserve it you disgusting loser." I've gone through years where I feel more in control, and years where the most I can do to take care of myself is eat, shower - oh and they're out to get me, believe me. That's okay though because I'll be so mean they won't want to mess with me. My spirit goes out to anyone who suffers from this cancer. You are not alone, but let's be real, those words don't always mean anything to us because we are alone and we deserve it. Not really, just making a point.

[janinemakey]

It feels like you have hell in your mind and can never be positive for fear of something bad happen

[pinkTonya]

I self harmed because I'd rather feel physical pain than mental pain. I used to be so so depressed and anxious. Thankfully I have outgrown most of the symptoms and as a result I don't meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder

[ArtificialSoul]

Feeling abandoned and neglected by everybody. Angry why nobody asks me how I'm doing. Angry why nobody sympathizes with me while I need support so much, because I just don't manage to take properly care of myself. I really don't feel privileged other people should take responsibility for my life. I need them to become someone worthy to love.

I have enough sense of reality to become aware I myself create situations I feel like this. Of course people won't spend attention to me when I don't spend attention to them either.

I can think of a strategy to improve my life. Otherwise enough contents on YouTube to gain inspiration. Unfortunately negative thoughts pop up in my head like "Everytime it goes better people will sabotage me, because they hate me and they use me as a target to project their own sins to". It seems like I've become addicted to feel miserable.

In contrast I can be very rational and problem solving as well. For example when the COVID-19 pandemic started I've noticed myself to easily accept and adapt to the situation and make the best of it.

[angelortega]

I remember describing it to my therapist as follows:

Imagine you are a on a raft in the middle of the ocean. At all sides there is water. An endless blue void as far as the eye can see. No land in sight and yet, there is no danger in sight. You are both lost and you are stuck, hopelessly drifting away. You wait and watch. During the highs perhaps you see a lone seagull or you glimpse salvation. Land! You're saved. You're elated, ecstatic even. But it's fleeting. It disappears and once again you are back where you started. Alone, adrift in the unchanging sea. During the lows perhaps a wave comes at you. You risk sinking, drowning, dying. You panic. You feel the fear of death approach. But you survive. You pull through the disaster and once again you return to the where you started. Alone, adrift in the unchanging sea. And as you lie there, waiting for something, anything to change. You look overboard and stare into the abyss. It entices you. It's inviting even. Perhaps if I throw myself overboard I can bring an end to this emptiness. I can escape this void. The longer you stare, the longer it stares back until you no longer care and fling yourself hoping to find some release.

This is the emotional state you have to deal with. A baseline that feels unfeeling. Ups and downs at their most extreme and fleeting. And a neverending exhaustion, while you try to avoid staring into the abyss. It's ultimately a fight with yourself that you never really win, but manage to hold off and learn to live with. Or, you end up giving into the abyss for the chance to end the struggle.

[James_Renz]

Ever felt the ocean of emotions tossing you around like waves? Picture being underwater, gasping for air, and then bam! Another emotional wave hits, swirling you into this underwater dance. The journey to stability is like a sudden dip before resurfacing, guided by the feeling of emotional freedom—only to be pulled back into the tumultuous cycle. It's a constant dance with waves where every attempt to surface becomes a diagonal swim where you dont know if your swimming to the surface or sinking more into the depths of the ocean.

You hit the emotional beach, and it's like everyone's staring because your emotional swim trunks vanished. There you are, embarrassed, sandy-haired, feeling like a total goof in this borderline personality disorder emotional rollercoaster.

[Whogaftbh]

This is what it feels like
If you get to love and be loved (or believe you are) you get to experience such elation that you even physically feel good

Otherwise you fluctuate between the feeling of being lost and hollowed out between intense emotional surges or you literally are fighting for your life against temptation to end it. Massive temptation. Hope does. Desire to go on dwindles then drops off. Then people think you’re trying to get attention for attentions sake when you need help. It’s incredibly painful, nearly numb, or thrilling.

[aadeshr]

😢 I can only describe as pain which is so extreme that ending life seems easier than facing that pain over and over again

[samanthamitchellprete]

My husband for 8 years together 10 has BPD and just recently got diagnosed....im so glad i can find information and videos to help me understand what goes on in his brain

[gabimurray]

It feels like I've died a thousand times and it's gotten to a point I've accepted I have no personality because as soon as I identify as something it gets completely destroyed