The Aging Narcissist; and Those Who Care for Them! |Shannon Petrovich LCSW

There are certain things that happen to all of us as we age, and if you think about the primary focus of the person with NPD, and the realities of aging, the two do NOT mix well! How does a narcissist handle their sagging attractiveness, their waning power, their vulnerabilities, and needing others to help take care of them? We'll explore how these realizations affect the person with NPD, and the ongoing destruction they create for others.
Check out my new book on dealing with and healing from narcissistic abuse. Out of the FOG Into the CLEAR, Journaling to Help You Heal from Toxic Relationships.

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#narcabuse, #narcparent, #agingnarc,

[tbd]

I finally at age 44 realized what love is- if you love someone, you want the best for them. That’s it. Narcissists only care about getting the best for themselves. No love from a narcissist - ever.

[nadjadavidson]

I couldn’t handle my mom’s narcissistic tendency any longer and had to cut ties with my parents to save myself, my marriage and my kids.

[jorgejacobo]

How I deal with my elderly narcissistic mother: I DON'T. There are those of us who are still hoping to get the love, acceptance, approval from our narcissistic parents that we didn't get when we were young. I'm not one of them, not any more.

[annetteansell]

I found this very interesting and reassuring. My mother was a moderate narcissist with very grandiose, controlling and critical ideas. When she went into a care home, finally, because she became a danger to herself and others, she had a psychiatric assessment because she was being verbally and physically abusive to staff and other residents (because, of course, it was her house and what were 'these people doing in my house?'). His conclusion was that, although she did have a level of dementia, it was mainly "her underlying psychosis" that was the cause of her behaviour. A controversial solution was posited to administer Respiridone without her knowledge; she would have been unable to understand the need and benefits due to her level of dementia. Our family met with staff and concluded that the most beneficent and least maleficent solution was to go ahead and administer it, starting with the smallest dose recommenced. A miracle occurred! Her whole personality changed, she was polite, appreciative, asked for help (although wanting to be the centre of attention remained), and thankful when she got it. Some of her subsequent conversations included thoughts like, "I don't feel so worried all the time", "you and I get on much better these days, don't we?", that was largely because I had set boundaries around spending time with her, always taking her out for lunch when I visited, and I had learned to interact like she was a multiple choice video game; just enter the game and play along! She spent a lot of time in the months before she died, almost silently and hopelessly dry weeping. She was prescribed anti-depressants for this but they were largely ineffective. Shortly before she died I had a conversation with her about her weeping. I asked her why she felt so sad and upset. She told me she had done some terrible things, that nobody would forgive her. I asked what terrible things and she didn't answer. I said, "mum, everybody has forgiven you, me too, the only person who hasn't forgiven you is you". She shot her head around to face me, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Really?!". I said, "yes, really, it just remains for you to forgive yourself". "I can't forgive myself", she said. "Well, how about just saying the words, to try them out for size?". No response, just staring into space. Then I tried offering to say it one word at a time, with her repeating them after me. She acceded to this idea and followed my lead: I ....myself. Then I invited her to try saying all the words together; she did so. "I ... forgive ... myself". She gave a huge sigh, slumped back in her chair, stopped weeping and quickly fell asleep. On the night of her death I was with her. She was very laboured in her breathing, seeming to panic for breath. I was going to sleep on the floor on a camp bed in her room with her. She was settled by staff for the night but she couldn't stop feeling very agitated. I got up, sat on her bedside, stroked her hair and told, "It's ok, you're ok. I'm here, you're ok" over and over again. Her breathing got slower and slower, shallower and shallower, until she finally stopped breathing, and died, very peacefully. I will always feel grateful for that opportunity and experience; it verified my lifelong experience of her and helped me to achieve resolution and closure.

[tbd]

Meaningful conversation with a npd is nonexistent.

[mermaidlorelei]

Oh my goodness....the difference in my 52yr old soon to be ex since I kicked him out 7 months ago is unbelievable! I keep looking better and better, have so much energy, am growing and ascending, and am so much happier and at peace while he is regressing, appears to be defeated, depressed, empty, his hair has gone completely grey, and he looks like he’s aged 10yrs in this short time! I honestly can barely recognize him anymore! No wonder I was so exhausted all the time...he was sucking my energy and the life out of me.

[DerSpielMann]

At any age, they feel genuine DISDAIN for you and your love for them. They loathe and envy your ability to feel a deep connection. They truly HATE you if you care about them, until they eventually implode in their own emptiness. Be hyper strong in your own convictions, and watch them crumble! They are just a facade, with NOTHING behind it. ~don't let them hurt you. They are nuts. Not you!

[lonewolf]

No matter how much you care for these people. They'll continue to destroy peoples lives regardless. Let them be. Let them destroy themselves while they're at it. Save yourself and live your life without them. Stay safe out there fam ❤

[patrickporco]

A narcissist can be a difficult patient in old age....they can manipulate their caregivers who are typically co-dependents

[sistersgatheringtoheal]

You nailed it! I have a narcissistic older sibling. I called her a couple of weeks ago. Nothing had changed; she's 70 something. She says, "I forgive you." What?! She was the one, my older sister, who repeatedly hurt me and other family members. She still brags that other women envy her. She says she misses her family. But after that 2-hour conversation, I'm clearer than ever that I cannot stomach a relationship with this woman.

[sissi]

This video was amazing. My father did die alone, in his bed, in a huge house big enough to house 2 families, crap everywhere, and alcohol to keep the whole neighbourhood supplied for 10 years. I've been pulling my hair out ever since. Not that I want to, it started when I found out he died. He kicked me out when I was 15, and my brother when he was 16. We dared to say "NO". He couldn't control us, so he got rid of us. Your understanding of the aging Narcissist is amazing. Will check out more of your videos soon. Thank you.

[isay]

When I was training as a nurse any of these truths were squashed by our instructors. All the elderly were to be abused and vulnerable even though it wasn't correct. And we were trained to see them as victims😢 even when they were the abusers.

[thecraftyappletreedebmack]

Wow, this video opened my eyes! I was there to help my dad in his last years and he wasn't nice, only complained and made me jump through hoops. I gave him the benefit of the doubt; I now see he was a narcissist all along. My whole life he would do something nice but then make a nasty comment. I felt guilty for having such bad feelings towards him, but now I know why.

[Beckiner]

I once worked as a Carer. I was asked to spend a sleeping night with an elderly lady who lived alone. ( sleeping night meant that I would spend a few hours looking after her needs, chatting etc then I would sleep a full night but obviously be on call) It was one of the worse nights I ever had as a carer. She spent ten hours telling me how much she disliked her family. Her children didn’t appreciate her. She hated everyone. She was a racist. I left her home at 8am absolutely exhausted from listening to the constant flow of venom. Now I’m wondering if she was a narcissist.

[smile.]

In my humble opinion, I personally believe they need prayers more than anything. They're very lost in life and toxic to try to interact with. All a person can do for them where at all possible, is avoid them and pray for them.

[gailt]

Excellent. Thank you this confirms very much what I had been thinking. I met and married (why o why) a man whom I now believe to be a covert narcissist. The marriage lasted less than a year. During this time he passed all the narcissistic traits with flying colours...I nearly went insane, experienced panic attacks, lost my peace and self esteem and literally felt a total failure. He had a knee replacement during our 'friendship' before marriage (I did not want a husband, but somehow I scored one) and he has prostate cancer, and now a blood disorder similar to adult leukemia...we met in our 60s, seems he must have been looking for him mama cos he sure did need one (his mother is actually still alive and his dad died 2 yrs ago, aged 92) Although he did not seem to be addressing his illnesses as I would imagine, (I did all the research, reading and homework on them) he also played on them in a covert manner. He did crazy things like name me next of kin on his hospital admittance when we were no more than friends...I was flawed and confused. He insisted I drive him to his appointments for surgery when he also insisted his mum and sister go too (as I find out after committing to this, thinking he needed a driver) After we separated, he called on our Pastor to run around after him when he was admitted to hospital. I could never fathom how easily he 'used' others. And I suspect they were as confused. I think the one thing which really got to me was not just the raging and venting and 'accidental' physical harm he did, but the crazy stuff, like climbing out of windows in his rage. All the crazy he did which seemed so childlike and not something a mature older person would do. I felt dreadful for expecting more from him. He was sick after all. (LOL - wink). I can see from what you have shared that this would only get worse not ever better. We are divorced. 3 years apart now. I believe he has gone back to his previous ex, now (the ex before that has disappeared altogether - now isn't that a red flag I overlooked!) Cheers

[gwenhammett]

Thank you for this. My mother-in-law is 86. I feel sorry for her yet I feel more sorry for the children she raised.

[cindylou]

Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself. My narc is my father, almost 99. My mother is a co-dependent and brightly adds a new excuse for his behavior - “we all need to realize he’s almost 100!”

[ChristChickAutistic]

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but all the narcs I've known in my life, as ex friends, ex boyfriends, ex husband, ex boss, all of them have been stuck in the past. Constantly talking about old times like teens to maybe around mid to late 20, rehashing the same stories over and over. Another thing I've noticed, as I'm a passionate fan of all musical genres (I love to sing) is they're all stuck in the genres of music that they loved in their teens through their 20s, and their range of genres is very limited. Always complain that "the music these days is trash" or something to that effect. And if you have broad musical tastes and listen to the music of more recent years that appeals to you, they make fun of you, or get very snobby about what you like. Anyone else experienced this?

[bluanglwingman]

I have a 98 yo severe NPD stepmother. I have had to go no contact entirely. In addition to having all of the characteristics you describe and talk about she is very hateful, malicious and spiteful regarding my bio Mom and Dad. Unfortunately this woman still has control of the finances and inheritances. She is out of control towards me. She has recently removed me from most of the accounts. She uses my kids and manipulates everyone in her circle. Unfortunately I don't think anyone knows what she is and is like behind closed doors. She is a master and has been practicing and honing her craft for 90+ years...