10 TOXIC CHILDHOOD LESSONS TO UNLEARN | DR. KIM SAGE

****FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:

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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**

xo

* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents (due to state licensing and insurance requirements for myself) for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

[francoisbroukx]

I'm a 68y old man. I was sexually abused from my 8 to my 12y, I was also bullied from 7 to 25; in that time, you where not supposed to talk about such subjects; there where no pedopsy, so what you do? I went in therapy when I got 50, learned a lot...and... I'm alive....and I have to thank people like you for that. People who come visit people like me in my private hell. So thank you for all you do, you really help.

[BecomeConsciousNow]

All sadly true! 8. Being alone is the only way to feel safe - this is definitely what i learned from the violent environment i grew up in. I don't trust people, i can't handle intense emotions and i've always believed i have to be "perfect" to be loved. Relationships have always seemed too scary to me, so i have avoided them because i feel like they could kill me! This goes for friendships as well as romantic relationships. Traumatic childhoods teach you that "I am not worthy of love and love is painful!" Which i know is not true.

[ethergal]

Dr Sage thank you. I’m 49 years old, my BPD mother died in 2021. While I was relieved, I now feel like I don’t know myself. I buried my needs and emotions so my mom could be soothed and regulated. I was the parent at age 7!

I was so emotionally deprived, that I now know (through therapy), that in romantic relationships if I’m shown an ounce of “kindness” I’d extrapolate that to mean the person is a good person and partner. Wrong. I’ve dated people who were my mother all over again. “Love” came a price to be paid in me not having needs. I’m saddened to now know how wrong my childhood was.

I will continue to do my work so I will never abandon myself ever again.

I thank you for the kindness and generosity in helping so many of us.

[LYNNSTER]

I grew up surrounded by alcoholics. My mother would constantly do and say mean things that would bring me to tears. I would spend a lot of time alone in my room crying; always fantasizing that she would come in, apologize, put her arms around me, comfort me, and tell me how much I was truly loved and wanted. It never happened. Over time, I grew to accept that I would never get the love and acceptance that I wanted so much. Once I reached adulthood, I would automatically seek the same emotional shelter I’d given myself when sad or upset by hiding in my room to sort out my feelings. I
don’t cry over anything anymore, and haven’t for several years. I think I experienced crying ‘ burnout’.

[lovingthisagain]

Lessons to Unlearn:

1. Love is confusing. It doesn't make sense.
2. Love is conditional upon what I give you.
3. Love is my sacrifice. (It's always our sacrifice)
4. Bad behavior can always be justified.
5. I don't deserve safe love.
6. It's always my fault.
7. People who love you, will hurt you.
8. Being alone is the only way to truly feel safe. (Leads to isolating)
9. Emotions aren't real, aren't valid, aren't safe.
10. Being a perfectionist is the only way to get love.

The deep core belief here is that one is unlovable and unworthy. While we had to abandon ourselves in childhood, we don't have to do that anymore. Our beliefs about us can change to be lovable and worthy.

[warrenbradford]

I have a toxic mother who have been using domestic violence to control her children all while keeping hers a secret and calling on other dysfunctional families on their abuses. She is a hypocrite who fantasizes running in a perfect family and I have just realized at the age of 25. Currently in 26, I am still working on a escape plan while I survive being trapped in a toxic environment enabled by my narcissistic, self-serving sister.

[Insideoutie]

This is tough. Tough in a way that it strikes right at my heart. I don't know who I am.

[PeaceOfMindIsATreasure]

I listen all of your refined observations with a stone stuck in my throat since my childhood, your words bring tears in to my eyes, thank you ❤

[memyself]

Can’t wait to get a second to listen to this! I was just reflecting how my childhood was! I think when people become parents those mishaps of their childhood come up, at least for me they do! I never had a birthday gift party or a happy birthday said to me from anyone in my immediate family! My mother would tel me, “I am going to get you a gift for your birthday!” When the day came around it wasn’t t even about a gift but more of making it special even a happy birthday would have made me smile! Instead, she would say get out of my face you ain’t getting no birthday gift and my heart and feelings would crush so I got to hide in a closet and cry for my birthday! Again, it wasn’t about the material part but more of the intimate part of feeling loved and wanted 😢 and acknowledged! I really cry inside when thinking about it.

[chuck]

It amazes me how how much unresolved conflict I'm still carrying in me. It's really sad and very unfortunate in deed. Thanks for your time in sharing this hearfelt video. Chuck

[prettypuff]

Your topics are right on point.
I feel so seen



I really appreciate this video series. This gets to the heart of low self esteem/ value and how to work past it. This is true trauma work and helps me during the everyday struggle

[TwdlD]

Completely unrelated, but I love your wallpaper. Related, my husband and I both had learned these lessons. They are very hard to unlearn. :(

[knitpurl]

This was all spot on. I don't know how much my life will change at my age but it's good to know, what I experienced was real abuse and trauma. I hate how my mother got by with what she did. My stepfather enabled her.

[auntienemo]

This was so timely! Thank you so so much for this, I saw a lot of me in your list of fears.

[MistyPrentice]

I feel all of these. True help would be how to change the belief. What is the real truth of being loved.

[InLoveWithVintage]

I really appreciate your videos, my last therapist was just not right for me so I haven’t went back…but the things you talk about….they’re compassionate and you show ways that relate to everyone

[sugarandspice]

Wow describes me to the T 😬 makes sense now.

[caligirl]

So Thrilled to find your channel ❤️ God Bless you for all the work you are doing 🙏 ✨️ 💖

[Afbrecndwit]

This is another really helpful
Video. You bring a very balanced and compassionate perspective.

[gailbrack]

My narcissistic mother only told me that she loved me one time in 50 years. It was the day after I came in from a date after experimenting with alcohol for the first time. Slept with her at the time and, unfortunately, I wet the bed in my sleep and she kicked me out of the bed and onto the floor. She told me to sleep on the floor. At that very time, the brother who loved me very much came in. I told him that she wanted me to sleep like a dog. He said that I could sleep in his bed and he would sleep on the floor. He was my protector no matter where we were and I loved him so much. My father also loved me and I knew it. My mother had forbidden him from saying anything positive about me when I was an infant. He never talked and he had the absolutely worse life than anyone I could imagine. She never said anything kind to him. There is a reason why she would not allow him to say anything positive about me, but it would be far too much to write in this comment. I would need a 75 minute session with you to explain it. I have sent you an email asking for an opening and I have started with your complete program for healing and dealing with the pain brought about by a narcissistic parent. You really are amazing and in all my years of treatment I have never seen anyone that was able to pinpoint my condition and explain to me the symptoms which are caused by CPTSD. Thank you so much.