relief, grief & loneliness - how I felt after my adult autism diagnosis | raw update PART 4

This is part 4 of a series of raw and honest videos that I shot as a video diary for myself during the period of time where I was being assessed for and diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder at 30. I decided to share these raw and honest videos because I hope they help someone else going through the process of late-diagnosis to feel less alone. Please share this video with your networks of fellow late-diagnosed friends and feel free to leave a comment if it resonates with you - I would love to hear your story too!

Sending you love
Charlie xxx

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Welcome! I'm Charlie. I spent 30 years creating a life I thought was expected of me. Eventually I burned out, quit my job & discovered I am autistic. Now I am looking forward to creating a new life on my own terms, and sharing it with you through this channel. I hope to simply be me. This is my journey, rewilding.

[lisawanderess]

Being diagnosed autistic in my 50s at first was a relief but after watching so many other videos on late diagnosed autistics has been such a revelation! Like all those quirky, weird, little idiosyncrasies that I truly thought were unique to me turn out to be shared with so many other auties! Since then it’s been very much a process with so many flashbacks to scenes going way back to my childhood of things that were so obviously autistic but I never knew! Like if you’d asked me prior to diagnosis if I’d been bullied in school, I would have said “no”, but looking back now I realize that other kids DID bully me, I was never included in groups at lunch, was called names, got lured into doing stupid things then would have them all laugh at my gullibility. Was sexually assaulted many times (naive and too trusting) so spent most of my time on my own. Having had no comparison to anyone else’s experience of life, I just assumed all that was normal and never understood why others found me weird. Oh poor little Lisa! I just want to hug her so hard 🤗

[meadowrae]

When I was first diagnosed as ADHD and autistic I went through this exactly. I was 34. I was angry that I'd only been offered anxiety meds, never stimulant meds, that all of my problems were called "anxiety." I had no idea how much a simple thing like earbuds would help.

[lindalincoln]

I certainly walked away with a little more hope than I had prior to watching your video. I just received my diagnosis about three or four months ago and I am 55. Everything you have said resonates and is exactly what I’m going through. I am so grateful to have found this online community and thank you for sharing your experience ❤

[genevaodom]

wow!! I am so glad that you are sharing your experience with life after late-diagnosis. Thank you. I am a self-diagnosed 71 year old woman. Recently after 3 months of studying and watching everything that I can on autism I decided i am autistic.. My grand-daughter was diagnosed several years ago and although I had identified with a lot of the way she thinks and responds to her environment it just didn't click. My clue came when I wanted to know more about autism and YouTube videos filled the gap for me.

[bigbad]

I'm a guy aged 39. I was diagnosed two years ago, and everything you said resonated with me. Every phase was exactly the same, and it does come around in cycles multiple times.

[timsmy-prsw]

Thank you for this. How well these things line up for me is so frustrating…how did this go missed for decades.

[AmandaMcGuinness]

I really connected with your authentic videos. As an also late in life identified Autistic adult, I am sad for our younger selves that we had to struggle unnecessarily but I am glad you ae here telling your story, creating a safe space for us all to connect .x

[brightbeacon]

LOVING the curls! ❤

Thank you so much for sharing these videos of your journey. I’m on the suspectrum (not a word that I coined, but it fits where I am in my journey). I have watched SO MANY videos at this point of women are sharing their neurodivergent diagnosis experiences and processes (both before, during, and post) and that grieving phase is in every one. What my biggest takeaway from my own experiences is that I treat myself with so much more kindness and patience than I did prior to this self-discovery journey.

[whythoidk]

Honestly this was very refreshing to watch. One thing ive found hard to accept that when i am on top of my mental health, i feel like i often seem much more "high functioning" or even find myself questioning if i actually am autistic because i feel so high functioning. But then when my mental health dips again, i find the autistic traits are much more evident in how i act and it's probably more easy for other people to notice if that makes sense

[charlierewilding]

hi friends! I hope you find value in this week's video! I just wanted to mention that if you are self-diagnosed then please don't think I am looking to exclude you because of my references to professional diagnosis in this video. I am simply sharing my personal experience (personal being the operative word!) and I personally believe self-diagnosis is SO valid ❤ Anyway, I'd love to hear in the comments if you experienced an emotional rollercoaster too... and please be sure to like and share this video if you enjoy it🥰 Sending you love! ❤

[OldGothAndy]

Thank you so much for your video. I'm at the pre-diagnosis stage (NHS waiting list, 12 months in so far), but quite confidently self-diagnosed.

[ciaraskeleton]

Im on the waiting list, ive been screened and after years of misdiagnosis i finally have a little bit of access to the support/therapy that i needed.

Where i am, we have an orginisation that help Autistic people before, during and after diagnosis. They are mostly Autistic people so it has been life saving.

I know im Autistic, and feel like just being able to have my needs met now is far more than i could ever ask for. But with all of this positivity, and being able to step into my identity, came all of this grief, pain, anger, resentment, depression, memories. Then lots more positives flow, and then more memories, anger, pain etc.

I am only just getting to the point where I am processing that i cant go back. That this is the real me and the old me was built on survival, trauma, negative core beliefs (blamimg myself, shaming myself, hating myself). It was built on 'proving' my normality, or my worth in society via constantly pushing myself to over achieve, perfectionise and then hit severe burnout.

When i let go of my entire mask...i realised that i hadnt ever done things that made me happy, i did them based on what others would think was acceptable or again, would prove my worth. Or make me seem normal so no one would see past the mask. Or i did things to please other people, again to prove my worth.

Living in acceptance i am an entirely different person than i thought i was or would be. I want different things, i think differently, my perspective on pretty much everything has changed, my love for people grew, my understanding of the world grew with my understanding of myself. Dont get me wrong, i spend most days crying because i remember the past. I still get depressed. My issues are still there. But how i view it and deal with it all has totally...changed.

I was not prepared for this much inner or outer change, especially being Autistic and change making me spiral into impending doom and anxiety. 😂

It is grief, and alongside that grief, relief, acceptance and in time, a life thats worth living for US. Not a perfect life, but a life that fulfills us. Whatever that looks like to us personally.

[Itsmelancedehring]

I will never ever tell another employer or a person who works . No one understands

[SilverLiningHere]

Thank you so much for making these videos. I may be one of those "white boys" but only got very recently diagnosed.
Gradually I worked towards self identification over many years. The pandemic gave me more opportunities to research further. About 3 months ago at the age of 57 I finally got my assessment. I'm still processing what it means for me. After all this time I felt having an official diagnosis would be of benefit for supports and accommodations as I get older. And I think I've made the right decision already with much exploring ahead.
And I agree it's been a rollercoaster of grief, doubt, acceptance and much more. And yes hope! I feel more confident in myself now, more than ever before. Awareness and understanding of myself is also falling more into place. 🌞

[xtrastrengthsassx]

Just got diagnosed at 29 this year! Thank you so much for this video. There's so much to learn and adjust to now, and this is one of the first videos I'm watching for guidance/feeling less alone.<3 Definitely having a lot of emotions about it. It's pretty overwhelming, but it's also nice to *finally* have an answer.

[adzmac]

I just found out, officially at 51 and have similar thoughts about “what if” and the anger about having had such a traumatic life up to this point.
Grieving is the right word, I am grieving the loss of the life I was never going to have.
I need to work on creating new hopes and dreams that are also attainable. Another challenge will be to work out which bits are masks and which bits are me

[eleanor-ith]

I was diagnosed in January aged 52 after a 2.5 year wait, by which time I had quit my job with burnout. I thought I'd feel relieved and validated, but I didn't. This video has been so helpful and like Lisa I am perhaps on a slower path to acceptance. I feel like I don't know who I am any more and am still clinging to the familiarity of masking Who am I without the mask and if I start to drop it, will that undo 30 years of psychology, self improvement and spirtiual philosophy. There is a high cost to my 'well-functioning-adult' persona, but the reward is social acceptance. I am struggling to reconcile these and have only disclosed my diagnosis to my daughter and my best friend (who said, I'm surprised, you don't seem at all autistic).
This video has been really good in helping me recognise the grief I am feeling and my fear of being 'openly autistic'. I look forward to being a proud advocate in the autistic community when I reach acceptance. Thank you.

[staygroundedinchaos]

Thank you so much for this video — I’ve suspected I was autistic for over a year and processed a lot while self-diagnosed, but just got my official diagnosis this week with autism and adhd and I relate so hard to this. Thank you— the feeling of finally being seen, relief, paired with the deep grief of almost 3 decades without this awareness. It’s a lot. Thank you again

[chriscarlson]

Yup, on my 2 month! Up and down since then! I sometimes think I im really have autism! I always felt alone and different, me 2. Thanks!

[rachellorton]

You described every single thing I am feeling right now. It has been difficult to put it into words though, so thank you for this ❤