Is Autistic Empathy Expressed Differently?

Once upon a time a lot of people believed that autistic people didn't feel empathy, and maybe a lot of people still believe that old myth! But it isn't true. People who are autistic experience a wide range of feeling of empathy, with many having very strong feelings of empathy that are overwhelming and some feeling less (or yes, not feeling empathy, although I've encountered that "too much" far more in the community).

Today I talk about how some autistic people express empathy in a way that is different from how neurotypical people often express empathy when someone is hurt and upset. And I talk about why that can sometimes cause big, big misunderstandings! I didn't find out about this difference until I was in my thirties and I wish I'd figured it out much earlier!

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Welcome to Autmazing! We talk a lot about autism around here because we are a family with five kids and a mom and dad who are autistic and we believe that autism acceptance is extremely important. We also post videos daily (or almost daily), about topics that we feel are important and sometimes there's a vlog thrown in too. We think it's important to see that being autistic is just that- another way of being human. You'll get glimpses of what's going on at the moment in our lives, usually in a little town in Michigan, or in the nearby city that Paul works in.

We are a family of 7, with a Mom named Cammie and a Dad named Paul. Sadie is 12, Maggie is 10, Patrick is 8, James is 6, and Tessie is now 4!

DISCLAIMER: This description contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on the product links, I’ll receive a small commission.

FTC DISCLOSURE: This video is not sponsored.

[Java-D]

I do this too. I have to mentally remind myself to even acknowledge the other persons feelings or ask them a question because I instantly want to go right into a similar experience I’ve had.
I do come off as self centered all the time.

[lizzykate]

Oh my gosh, I do this too and the neurotypical person is like why are you telling me this? Is it supposed to make me feel better? I am just trying to show I've had a similar experience so understand! 😅

[neurodimensions]

When I am sad, I also prefer that other people share a relatable story with me! If they just try to comfort me, it just draws more attention to my negative emotions and makes me feel even more alienated from other people. Being comforted in a typical way makes things worse for me.

[miemartine]

I am.... 58 years old, diagnosed with High Functioning Autism 7 + years ago. And, I do the same thing. Trying to show people, that I empathize with their or someone else's experiences. Not knowing why Neurotypicals, would act like I was dismissing their concerns. When I was empathizing, with them.

[zaagidwin]

Oh man. I’m 44, and just self diagnosed myself, and now seeing these videos I feel so much relief!!!! I feel like I’ve FINALLY FOUND MY people!!! When you started explaining how you are, I immediately related, and I haven’t related in SO long!! Thank You so much! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖🙏✌️🤗

[Straywalker]

I’m autistic and I had to learn to turn of my empathy and emotions to fully function

[EB]

One of the first things I do when understanding is talking about a similar experience to show I understand and empathise, I've done this for the longest time, it's only more recently I too wondered if people saw me as turning the attention toward me, but then I've had so many people over the years say I'm empathetic and give good advice and listen and so I wonder if maybe I'm doing okay anyway? Or maybe I'm talking to other neurodiverse people that maybe aren't yet diagnosed too? I guess there have been times where it hasn't worked, so maybe this is the difference?

[sandralane]

I do both. Finding a similar experience and over explain. Others thought I am either trying to one up someone else or trying to relate to the persons experience. Also, I so over explain almost everything.
My daughters, too. Crazy. You bring so much to light.

[Sophie-mrwv]

I actually have seen a lot of information and responses about how to respond when someone is having a hard time, and in my experience this response is not unique to the neurodiverse community! Thinking of a similar experience in order to relate is a common human response for all of us and is actually how children develop empathy! However, more recently it has been suggested that SHARING that experience that you use to feel your empathy for the other person is not always a helpful response for them. It feels helpful to the person saying it but... can sometimes feel, like you said, like we are making it about ourselves. For this reason, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with using a shared experience to relate to another person, it is often best if we keep the story to ourselves and use the feelings it creates to be there for the person in other ways.
Let me know if this didn’t make sense, but I think the response that you discussed in this video is a lot more common than you may think!
It is only recently that people have begun to suggest other responses as being more helpful :)

[LiteraryStoner]

I thought doing that was normal!! It's how I work to, trying to show people I get it at least in some way. That I feel for them. I just thought it was how people showed empathy, understanding...i'd get so confused when people would get confused like "why are you telling me this?" To show I understand....

[dimpsthealien]

I have too friggin much empathy. I feel other's distress. Ugh. I am exhausted after being in crowds.

[lizanapoli]

Thanks for sharing this video because I do this also, as I feel like it’s putting yourself in someone else’s shoes which is the best way to empathize. This helps me put things in perspective better bc I teach first graders and many of them do this.... when they hear about something, they end up trying to think of a time it happened to them too... it may appear like they are seeking the attention but they are just trying to connect. I think there’s a right way to share your story so that it’s not all about you... using the words like ‘it know how you feel because...’’

[tangerinefizz]

I can't believe you're almost 40! You look much younger.

[elofamily]

As a non-aut (LOVE Sadie's term! <3 ), is this something we should/could be doing in reverse to show better empathy to those of you who are neuro-diverse? Do you feel most heard and understood when we do? This was eye-opening, thank you!

[krys]

I love your page. I struggle with empathy and you just described completely on how I try to be there for others. I realized in my 20s and have been accused of making something about myself. When that's the only way I know how is to relate with someone. When I try to be there for someone like how others do I never know what to say and I am stuck feeling awkward and avoid bringing a relatable story out of fear they'll think I'm making it about me. So thank you so much for explaining this so perfectly!

[Kabbaway]

Thank you for this video, I found it very relatable 🙂

I’m not formally diagnosed yet, but I do heavily relate to ASD and am in the process of being tested for it. When people around me are suffering I become a stuttering, jolty mess - I don’t know what to do or what to say to comfort them. I understand that just saying “it’ll be ok” is not good enough but I just can’t find the words to express my empathy, which I can have an overwhelming abundance of. Sometimes I try to relate to them like the way you mentioned, or I find a comforting action/gesture to perform like grabbing tissues, giving them a hug (if they’re someone I’m comfortable with) or offering them a comforting stimuli (blanket, beverage, toy etc). No matter how awkward or stressed I feel I always try to make sure they know I’m there for them even if I can’t find a way to comfort them in the way they need to be. I’m much better at expressing my empathy (as with all my emotions) in writing or with those I’m especially close with, otherwise I get consumed by my own thoughts/feelings and can’t really act appropriately on the spot.

[singularityscan]

I am a Autistic 34 year old male, when i look at people i see lots of things even with you in this video. example: i hear what you say but also its as if i wear lipstick and i feel how it would feel to have pink hair and be happy and proud of it, but also its as if i have a earring and i feel how the back of my pierced ear rubs against my pink hair and also how it would feel to be used to that feeling and i feel how it would feel if my eye lashes where more thin because i am a 38 year old and how your clothes fit you as if i was wearing them but also had your body or how it would feel to have my left upper teeth bite in my lip if i talk. the spots on the wall left of your head remind me of painting a wall and how the paint flows and smells.
I also feel why you turn your eyes because of what internal feeling you have constantly every micro expression.

this is all running on the background constantly with every conversation.

[samk]

This is not just autistic people 12 step recovery, you share your experience strength and hope.
Try not to give advice or tell people what to do. Sometimes “unsolicited advice is a form of attack”
Because ultimately they have to experience the consequences of their decisions.
I can see where this concept can be narcissistic. But…
I think this can be cleared up with asking questions to the person who needs to talk about it. Asking them do you just want to vent without me sharing any of my experience? Or are you looking for advice or help?
I think people need to be clear in their communication of what they need of another person. And not expect that they know how to be the best support to them in this circumstance. Most people are not license therapists.
Sometimes when you’re in a relationship that other person wants to try to fix your situation. You have to be clear and say I don’t need you to fix me. I need you to just listen.
Sometimes unsolicited advice is a form of attack . Especially when it comes from your parents. That’s where communication of your expectations and needs is super important. Also, the person who you’re trying to communicate with may not be the right person. So you have to check your own expectations. Even normal people struggle with this. Good communicators are gifted. And it’s a gift that’s being lost in ever evolving generations of new forms of communication. it’s difficult when you cannot read body language to know whether or not somebody is in distress by what you’re saying.

[coco_b]

oh wow i cant thank you enough for all of your info and experience. the autism label is new to me since having my son who will be 3 in april was diagnosed a few months ago. you share so much knowledge from your experience that blows me away. i have never been tested or diagnosed myself but since having my son and learning so much since his diagnosis, i can see behaviors in myself that make me question. i do have add. i do have ocd. but never discussed autism before my son. i just want to thank you again and let you know how much you and your amazing family have helped and educated me on this new journey. XO

[elladoggy]

I often feel like I have way more empathy than others. For example say I hear something which isn't fair, I will feel so strong empathy that I then feel angry about it which comes across as I don't care when I really care!! And I really always try to express empathy by relateing to people then they just think that I think my experience was worse therefore they are making a big deal when really I am trying to express I have been there and I get you!