How Does Autistic Empathy Work? (Autism, Double Empathy)

When autistic folks respond to the story you just told with a story of their own, how does it make YOU feel? Empathy is a perennial "hot topic" in autism, yet when NT people give examples of autistic folks "lacking empathy", they're often very BAD examples. There's a lot of confusion about how we actually define & describe empathy in the first place, so why are we so quick to pick fault?
#EngageAutism #AutismAcceptance #actuallyautistic

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00:00 Intro
01:12 The comment
03:00 Flavours of empathy
04:24 Who's kindest?
05:26 The problem
07:40 Not on the same page
08:45 The TRUTH!
10:16 A lot in common
12:18 Autistic empathy in action
14:12 Double empathy
15:28 What people want
16:13 Who's the A-hole
17:32 Conclusion

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[Autistamatic]

Thanks for the comments on the original upload of this video. It was only up for a few minutes before I realised there was a BIG cock-up in the edit that needed urgent correction, but there were some nice comments already. You guys are great😊😊

[stevenwarner]

I always gravitate towards sharing a similar story because it feels like the best way to demonstrate that I empathise with their pain, or struggle, and I'm not looking at their position as if it were more of an abstract. I appreciated it when others did the same to me as it was a way of truly showing that they could understand and weren't just trying to give words which could be empty, superficial, and essentially a mindless Pavlovian response. There's a massive difference between "I experienced X, and it was horrible; give me attention instead" and "I experienced X, and I understand. I am here; you are not alone. You too will get through this."

[autisticMargo]

My brain works in categories so when I respond to someone by spouting a similar experience or situation I've had, it's because my brain is just trying to categorize the information they just gave me. It's not because I'm thinking of myself. Or because I want to compete with them. It's just my brain taking information and putting it in a category.

[AutisticAwakeActivist]

This is what i do. Tell my stories in support of the person.

[IrethAmandil]

It took me a long time to realize that sometimes when other people tell their stories after mine that they really were just trying to outdo me for sympathy or attention. It never occurred to me and seemed completely ridiculous. Why would anyone want to outdo me in bad experiences?? Who would want to have had a worse life like it's a badge of honor??

It wasn't until recently that I learned about social hierarchies and the lengths some people will go to to feel special...and why they think that's what I was doing.

[SlugcatEmporium]

As an autistic person, I've learned to ask people "would advice or suggestions be helpful, or do you moreso need me to listen while you get it off your chest?". It has helped a lot and even the neurotypical people I interact with have started using the phrase. I try to model it as much as I can since it benefits all parties in a conversation!

[lilijagaming]

I've always wanted to communicate with people with stories. And all I heard back "you are only talking about yourself". I mean, it is factual that when I communicate I talk a lot about myself. But I had to learn that I am autistic that relate to people when I compare my experience to their experience. If I am forbidden to do so (and I feel like that a lot among people) I cannot connect with people. So I keep feeling alienated. I can only connect with people who let me compare their experience to my experience. I used to think I am unable of altruism cause people only expected from me the kind of help that is extremely hard for me to do. At the same time when it comes to helping people with having a chat I can forget to eat, sleep, etc... I want to do that so much. It seems I do not lack altruism. I lack performative altruism. To be fair, I lack performative everything. I cannot do just to look good. I do things because I believe in the thing and feel it's important. I used to get angry when I heard about altruism but I think what made me angry is that I mostly seen performative altruism and it felt fake.

Also, I am unable to compare human experiences as better or worse. There are far too many variable and too many scales. You can only give value to things and compare those values when they exist on the exactly same scale. In any other situation the value is subjective and it depends.

[Iceblade]

As an autistic therapist, I’ve always asked myself if my stories are me projecting or if I am countertransferrung unto others. I always ask my clients if said story matched their experience, and it’s astounding how many enjoy it.

DBT refers to this as a form of validation. Clearly it helps

[stephaniealexandra]

Well said Quinn, what you have described is the kind of empathy that I understand and find helpful. People patting my shoulder and saying that "everything will be ok" is likely to upset me more because at that point I don't see that it will be and just saying it won't make it better.

[vyktoriaselinalagothique]

I've learned that empathy can be a curse due to being exploited. I'm affective empathic but it's so draining. It's why I'm alone now. Society is just overwhelming.

[alexanderfriis]

When telling someone about something bad that has happend to me and they just sit there saying nothing. what they apparently call "listening" just make me feeled ignored.

[AnnSan]

I have 3 friends through my entire life. One is neurotypical and somehow managed to drag me through school. The other two I met years later online and we just happened to live only about two hours apart. I can’t explain how it happened, but the three of us just clicked. One big reason was, that all three of us do this It was the first time I met other people who did that and are to this day the only people I act completely like myself around. They ACTUALLY understand me, instead of just saying they do and in the next sentence question everything I do. When I needed support, they gave it in a way that actually made me feel better and not like I was being given white lies and empty promises.

I later learned they are both ADHDers. It was one of those friends who implied (rather directly) that I might be autistic. It’s how my journey started. Getting a diagnosis is a pain, but I have time. I have “found my crowd” so to speak and I don’t really care that much about the official paper anymore. Accommodations are practically nonexistent. And if I am not autistic after all, I will still feel more at home with the neurodivergent people in my life than anyone else. It is such a relief not to have to act around them all the time, how they communicate the same way I do! It is so much easier!

Thank you for an other wonderful video! ❤

[Green_Roc]

1:48 I been accused of trying to one-up someone, to take over the conversation, and NO! That's not my intent at all! Solidarity is a big feeling, and I naturally share a story I know of, for how dare I speak for anyone else! I share my side related to your side as an act of genuine empathy. Bragging is more of a neurotypical thing, not my thing.

[tabularasa]

Very well explained. I never realized that is what I was doing and how it is perceived by "normies". Also never cared about it, I've known people call me arrogant for knowing lots of trivia. I can't help having a decently good memory for trivia, and I'm not boasting that I know stuff. I just want to share the information, because it can be helpful or fun to know.

[Jeep]

When someone replies with a related story of their own, we have a better understanding of our relative points of view & knowledge on the subject.

I spent a lot of time in Aviation, both as a Mechanic, & Skydiver. I love the way things are debriefed in Aviation.

When people offer Platitudes & Sycophancy it feels like obstruction, as though the other person is intentionally misunderstanding & are actively pacifying a known problem.

[jebuskrist]

A few years ago. I had the owner of the shop next to mine ask me why I always had to talk about myself or someone I know when someone is explaining something that was going on in thier life. I told him it was to let people know that I can relate to them, and I understand what they are going through. He stared at me for a moment then scoffed and said, it sounds like you're just trying to become the center of the conversation and that's it's extremely rude and inconsiderate, it makes me sound like I dont really care about their situation. I tried to explain to him that I was just trying to show that I relate with what they were going through. He then said I needed to stop doing that because it makes people not like me. That really affected me, and that conversation changed how I interact with others because of what he said. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I have for you posting this video. I'm normally not one to cry but this made me tear up. There's nothing wrong with me, thank you for letting me know

[PlanetZhooZhoo]

Excellent observation. Relating our own story is our way of showing we understand what the other person is feeling. They say autistic people can't "put themselves in someone else's shoes" (i.e. relate to others' lives), but we obviously can, to be able to recount a similar story.
Saying all that, since I realised I've spent my life doing it, I now restrict (aka mask) my responses a lot more so it doesn't look like I'm making it about me, even though it never was meant that way.

[tamaraholloway]

That person saying it's black catting is projecting. If they were responding with their own story, it would be to one up and get attention. They're the narcissist. Before I was diagnosed, I got in trouble a lot for this. Honestly, I would say it, I thought, because we had a shared experience. I thought "wow, we have a connection!"And that often didn't happen.
Sometimes, I would be so shocked at how uncanny the connections, I would keep responding with my experiences, until someone would accuse me of trying to "one up", which never entered my mind.

[melissamiller]

When I attended 12-step meetings years ago, I learned not to reply directly to a person's testimony, thereby stealing their thunder or offering them solutions. It could result in your interpreting their experience in a way that was not accurate, while taking the attention away from them. But, when it was your turn, you could relay an experience related to theirs. That could provide a broader perspective on the issue. And it could help the sufferer understand they are not alone, others have suffered that way too. Thereby helping them gently turn away from the solipsism people in emotional pain often feel. So offering your own story back is therpeutic.

[misspat]

I have heard of the concept of people “telling on themselves”; indicating their true thoughts and feelings by what they assume is causing behavior in others. We tend to assume others more or less think and feel as we do; the alternative is terribly cumbersome and awkward to deal with, and not really necessary when the two people do have similar ways of thinking and feeling. The problem arises when two people have drastically different ways of thinking and feeling, autistics vs allistics just being one example. I told the psychologist who diagnosed me that it was very hard to answer the questionnaires at times, because I had to try to take on the viewpoint of an allistic looking at me from outside and making assumptions about my inner world based on my behavior and what within THEM would produce that behavior. He agreed that this would be particularly difficult for an autistic person by definition. Seemed like a nice guy, that fellow. 🙂