Autistic Communication and Why People Think We're Narcissists (Double Empathy)

Autistic people are often accused of being narcissists. The reality is that we simply have a different communication style (double empathy) that leads to misunderstandings. In this video, I common autistic conversational traits that can be misunderstood by neurotypicals as narcissistic traits. I also discuss the concept of conversational narcissism.

00:00 Introduction
00:28 Why Double Empathy Impacts How People View Autistic People
01:08 What is Conversational Narcissism
02:26 Autism and Conversational Narcissism
02:44 Why Autistic People Monopolize Conversations
04:37 Autism and Competitive Conversations
06:03 Why Autistic People Act Like They Know Everything
07:44 Why Interrupting Isn't Always Narcissistic
09:28 Why Autistic People Might Appear Unempathetic
11:38 Autistic Communication Isn't Narcissistic (Double Empathy Problem)

#actuallyautistic
#autism
#autistic

[markday]

"Maybe you want to say something, but you're so afraid that you're going to say the wrong thing, that you just listen." Wow, that really hit the mark. I think that also contributes to some of us being labeled "quiet" or "shy."

[tayzonday]

Any human experience that isn’t the majority will seem self-centered when it tries to take equal space and have equal consideration.

[zombiesusi]

Story of my friggin life. I was born this hypersensitive and empathic crybaby who always put others first, and despite all this 99% of people kept telling me almost daily I'm selfish, self-centered and annoying. And since I was already so altruistic, I reasoned that well then I must obviously become even more altruistic. And needless to say, eventually that made me a complete doormat who had no boundaries and who disregarded their own feelings and existence.

[johnloss]

Yes, yes, and yes. Also, ADHD people interrupt because if we don’t we forget the thing, and the thing is our humble contribution

[chloseph.]

When I got my first job I was very, very confused abt the “art” of conversation. So, I watched how my boss handled conversations since she was a very well liked person in our community and what I learned from her made conversations much easier. Literally just summarize what the person just said to you. Like if you don’t have any additional thoughts or you’re like “how do I respond to that??? Whats that got to do with anything??” Just summarize what they just told you. They feel heard bc you’ve just proved you were listening and I think thats just what most people are after when they’re telling you abt a problem or event or what have you. Unironically changed my life. Am I a conversational superstar now? No. But I am a LOT better at it than I was a few years ago.

[windalfalatar]

We're not trying to compete, it's just that we've been taught that in conversation you're supposed to "tie in" some of your own experience to complement the story (at least that's how I/we understand it) so we try to mirror a person's story by giving our own equivalent experience.

[GlitteryPegasus]

I've learned not to talk. I listen. Other people talk to me, and I just listen. It's been a long time since I've felt comfortable to dominate a conversation.

[gwenhwyfarsdottir]

The part about being analytical and knowing there isn't anything you can do about a situation really resonated with me. Sometimes people talk about a difficult situation and my brain goes: "yeah that sucks, but I can't do anything about it" so then I acknowledge the situation and say I feel sorry/bad/whatever the social script dictates, and I move past it too quickly for the NT person and they think I don't care. So they get angry with me for not caring, when in my mind I have acknowledged and reacted to a situation I can't change, so why would we need to continue about it? I've learned over the years that they want to wallow in it and they want sympathy, but that kind of behavior does not come naturally for me at all, no matter how much I want to show that I care about and support the person.

Another thing I've noticed is in regards to info-dumping: over the years I picked up on the accumulated cues of other people to the extent that I've turned from an enthusiastic info-dumper to a silent follower who rarely contributes. When you get told enough times that you talk too much or too loudly, it goes so deep into your mind that now, whenever I'm about to start talking about something I find interesting, my brain sounds the alarms and reminds me of all the times when people did not want to hear what I had to say. So I don't know how to reveal things about myself anymore, and now I get told I'm too closed-off and I've built walls around myself that no one can get through. I know it's sad that I don't know how to show my excitement anymore, but I don't know how to change it. It's been a coping mechanism for so long.

[skyspring]

The issue of parallel conversation vs conversational narcissism is subtle and disputed. To me, it's very normal to say, "Oh cool, I haven't had a vacation in years, where are you going" "California." "I used to live in California. Do you like the Bay Area?" That's paralleling, and there is nothing wrong with it. It allows both parties to know who they are talking to and what they have in common. But it's jarring to respond to "I'm going on vacation" with "I like vacations. I had a vacation to the Grand Canyon in 2009." followed by everything there is to know about the Grand Canyon. Part of the issue is that until they finish what they were saying, you don't know why they are telling you. They might by trying to say, "I'm going on vacation. So, I need you to walk my dog while I'm gone." So you have to catch that talking ball and throw it back soon so they can get to their point.

[JonBrase]

I think it's a bit deeper than just "why do neurotypicals think we're narcicists", because I routinely see autists online talking about having narcicistic parents and ending up in romantic relationships with narcicists. Given that autism is genetic, and that we form friendships and romantic relationships preferentially with other autists, this suggests that we may often be coming across as narcicistic to each other.

I can imagine a number of reasons this might be:

1) We learn to identify narcicism from neurotypicals, and end up applying the same criteria they're using.

2) Meltdowns in one autist that hit sensory, emotional, or other sensitivities in another get identified as abusive and/or narcissistic behavior, especially if both individuals are undiagnosed at the time. What happens if you get a whole undiagnosed family whose meltdowns hit each others' meltdown triggers?

3) Masking behaviors get identified by low-masking individuals as narcicism, or vice versa, or inconsistent masking gets identified as narcicism.

4) Trauma or disregulation can cause actual narcicism to develop.

5) Least appealingly to any of us, maybe we do have some innate tendency to narcicism. I'm inclined not to believe or want to believe this one, but have included it for the sake of intellectual honesty.

[BardicNemesis]

I'm autistic and agree with most of what you've said. However, when speaking with autistic friends, even I can get frustrated despite understanding this. For example, let's consider everything you've discussed as characteristics of one conversation.... Totally fine. However, when it's the culmination of 20 conversations in which I am simply the receiver, and nothing I bring up matters, then we have a communication issue. We all enjoy spotting those patterns, so let's make sure we are giving space as well, not just basking in receiving it by someone that gets it.

[Stopbeingshallow]

I have been watching Youtube videos about Autism for about 4 years now. Just discovered your channel tonight. This was a wow video for me. Can totally relate to everything you pointed out. My husband who is non autistic has been helping me with social situations now that we know I am autistic. He also thought i struggled with no empathy even though i had it in my heart, i didnt know how to communicate to others. Once we found out i was autistic it all made sense. Now he helps me on how to respond to friends on social media if i am not sure how to respond. It has gotten to the point now that i can actually respond on my own without help sometimes. For example, my dear friend just had a cousin suddenly pass away and at first i didnt know how to respond. This was traumatic for her and i didnt want my autistic brain just to say i am sorry. I took a moment to gather my thoughts and shared the best heartfelt response i could. She really gave a response back that let me know she truly appreciated what i had said. This is not to give myself a pat on my back. Its only wanting to share the thankfulness of my husband for being patient and helping me because these social things dont come easy to us autistics. But thank God there is room for growth. I am learning so much and my husband has learned a lot from me. This video was excellent. Thank you so much for posting.

[CirithUngol]

I mean that's how we relate though. Like talking about our own experiences as it relates to the conversation. We can only know our own experiences.

[icqme]

Recently I learned upward intonation means someone plans to continue speaking even when they pause for a moment while downward intonation indicates they have completed. I'm sure there's other rules. I find it somewhat difficult to monitor for these signs and wonder if it comes more natural to others. I think NT might also interrupt NDs if we don't follow these expected patterns with our intonation causing frustration for both.

[PhilipWatson]

Oh wow, I'm literally exactly the same as you in regard to communication style. When I first suspected I might be autistic, I thought that I couldn't because I really love small talk. I now understand though my idea of small talk is way different than the neurotypical one. What I really liked was info dumping and manipulating the conversation so that I got to talk about one of my special interests. Then I was constantly confused when colleagues at the school I worked at avoided me and never invited me to social events. I did however find I got along a lot better with the other autistic students, and that's how I finally suspected that I might also be on the spectrum.

[rinkydinkron]

I'm laughing & crying at the same time Karen. You just described my entire life!

[SpicaStudio-ryvq]

I totally relate to this. I rather talk about myself because I don't know if it's appropriate to ask about someone's personal situation. I'm afraid people might think I'm nosy (curious).

[annablackwell]

Totally relate to the unintentional “oneupmanship”!
Yes, in my head I’m making a connection with them…in their head I’m turning the conversation to be about me.
I’m trying hard not to do this now with NT’s!
Also, relate to the “know it all” aspect. I think I’m just being helpfully informative 🤣
So much of what you said resonates. Thank you for highlighting this as normal ND conversational struggles.

[Lonepandaalone]

Yes! And I’ve also learned that when many NTs speak, they are trying to express their emotions and feelings, not just relay facts. So, it is helpful to not just summarize what they said but also suggest what emotion they might have been feeling. Like, “that must have been really discouraging”. They catch that you’ve “ heard” and have understood what they’ve been communicating. It’s important to remember that speaking is using just words but that communication is words+body language+eye contact+stance+movement, etc. We can succeed better at conversation and communication when we sort of try to act like detectives and pay attention to all that goes into communication and try to learn the patterns. I know that some NDs could say that this is trying to make NDs into NTs and that we should be proud to be who we are—we should—but if we want to “succeed” in an NT world, we need to see some of our specialized observation skills as strengths and use them as we can to try to communicate without overtaxing ourselves.

[Periwinkleton]

Holy moly, sounds exactly like me! If only they knew that I value them more than I value myself. Definitely, caring for myself has been more of a learned behavior.