Harvard psychiatrist on happiness: Positive vs. toxic relationships | Robert Waldinger

Harvard has conducted an 85-year-long study on what makes humans happy. Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger explains what they found.

What is the one thing that, according to science, will make our lives richer and vastly more fulfilling? This 85-year continuing longitudinal study from Harvard says the answer is relationships.

Dr. Robert Waldinger is the current director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running research on adult life. Tracking over 2,000 lives since 1938, Waldinger and his team have dissected the fabric of well-being, finding that wealth and achievements fall short compared to the power of our connections with other people.

Over the eight decades since the study began, scientists have determined that loneliness and isolation can have negative effects on our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. Key findings of this study suggest that nurturing relationships may serve as our best source of fulfillment, emphasizing the need for "social fitness" alongside mental and physical health.

According to Waldinger, it’s time to invest in the bonds that matter, which, ultimately, is an investment in yourself.

0:00 The single-most important life choice
1:06 Harvard’s longest study on happiness
4:08 3 key relationship lessons
6:45 Chronic stress & loneliness
8:27 Toxic relationships
10:10 “Social fitness”
11:45 The chart: Map your social universe
13:36 The good life

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About Robert Waldinger:

Robert Waldinger, MD is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, a practicing psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and a Zen teacher and practitioner.

For the last two decades, Waldinger has been the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. This study, conducted over more than 85 years, has analyzed the entire lives of 724 families to determine the activities, behaviors, and dynamics that enhance a person’s life-long well-being. Waldinger has dedicated his career to examining these elements and discovering what brings true fulfillment to human existence.

He is the author of several books, including his most recent, The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.

[renukatandle]

what blew my mind was that niether money nor status, its people and connections are emotional regulators and maintaining relationships mindfully is something that's so underrated

[goldwingerppg]

The happiest people I know are the most generous and I mean truly generous without strings or expectations of recognition. To the contrary the unhappiest people I know are the most selfish. Happiness in the simplest terms is the byproduct of always trying to the next right thing. I wasn’t as naturally generous as I thought I was. I had to get honest with myself before I could change. I started meditating on it everyday to change the chemistry in my brain and over the next weeks, months and years got much better at being naturally generous and as a byproduct a very happy person 98% of the time. I’m still not naturally as generous as my wife and others I’ve used to model my behavior, but I’m far better than I was and I’m much more aware when I’m not to make corrective actions. If I’m being 100% honest my happiness has been a great motivation for me. “TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE”

[writer]

A toxic relationship can occur when one person is seeking connection and understanding while the other feels threatened and uncomfortable with said wants. The latter then causes drama to deflect the topic and destroys the relationship…. I didn’t knew I was in a toxic marriage until I realized I don’t argue with friends and family, only my husband, and that’s because HE brought constant drama into our lives. I’ve grown indifferent towards him and have learned to reprioritize myself and my children.

[thewb]

Our “Success and Consumer” culture teaches us to pursue things we want often neglecting the things we need.

[NikkLiberos]

8:00 It is mind-blowing that this is only getting more of a spotlight in recent years. I have read Van der Kolk, Gabor Maté and now Rober Waldinger and I love that they are making sure this kind of knowledge is much more accessible than it used to be.

It has helped me immensely make informed decisions about how my environment (natural and social) and my habits affect my overall health and how to observe them and make the appropriate changes to be healthier overall.

[joebumbler]

I don't think Humans aren't meant to be happy ALL the time. Life is more than just one emotion. For some reason we're being told we NEED the happiness switch flipped to the on position permanently, or else there's something 'wrong' with us and we need to be 'fixed'. From my experiences, I see people being taught to avoid certain emotions. Rather then be taught how to properly deal with these feelings, They're encouraged to lash out at the world that made them feel something other than overwhelming joy. To the detriment to the person who never learned healthy coping methods and mostly to those enabling the behavior.

[ccjack]

Thanks to this professor, I have been lonely for a long time. Every night, when I want to fall asleep, I can feel the overwhelming loneliness in my mind. It's almost killed me sometimes. After watching this video, I learned a lot about relationships. I had thought about those things you just mentioned but never made it appear in my clear cognition. But now I know it is important.

[NathanHarrison]

Life-changing study. When Harvard released the results back in 2016 I’ve been sharing the message to everyone. Especially young adults.

[edmac]

Yes, connection and community is vital. Sometimes our soul has been crushed by those closest to us. Finding the right people to love, care and help you heal is hard given being so hurt, but don’t give up because you are worth being loved and giving love. Peace.

[IFYOUWANTITGOGETIT]

Growth mindset, open mindedness, mental flexibility, reaching into levels of reality and being able to accept experimental results and logic contrary to ones current beliefs and understanding and being able to express that information to others so that it influences them so that you can strengthen your relationship with them and reality is what lays at the foundation of happiness.

[m.p.]

This was so comforting. This man says things that everyone should hear.

[Justineyedia]

Support Systems
When you're in fight or flight or survival mode. You don't think about being happy. It's not essential for survival. And we are constantly suppressing anger and emotions and repressing negative thoughts. It's exhausting and frustrating (unresolved conflict). What happens when you don't fight or flight? You fawn or freeze.

[mamefan]

Better Help doesn't accept insurance. How is that better?

[JesusRodriguez-fobr]

People chase happiness like if it was a value or state of being. You'll never get there and stay there if thats what you think. The honest truth is that our brains still havent evolved out of the fight or flight era that kept them alive back in the day. Meaning to say, emotions are influenced by our environment, they are something you feel, and they are also driven by ACTION. Therefore, you cannot feel something that you never take action towards. You cannot feel motivated for something unless you start doing that thing you've been postponing. You cannot feel happy unless you start doing something that makes you smile and laugh, or break a sweat. The action precedes the emotion.

[_Geist]

THANK YOU.. it feels like these are the words that we need to describe certain behavior patterns, not necessarily such overly-clinicalized, hierarchical, meritocratic language that frames mainstream institutions.

[livlit]

Best 15 mins I’ve spent on YouTube today.

[jouuueee]

Great information. The type of thing I wish I had known more about when I was younger.
Now at 57 I find myself alone, even though I have five children. I'm an extrovert, a bumblebee that thrives in a hive.
It would be awesome if this video came with a link to how to kickstart your social life in a healthy way.

[nurailahrazak]

wow happiness are actually near to us and easy to get. Be with right people can make your life much more better.

[robertamirtha]

4:45 So that's why I used to always feel like the world was against me. I grew up with childhood emotional neglect, something I learned rather late in life.

[mehobbs]

That being said, there are so many free support groups and ways to connect ❤with safe others who have common interests and life experiences 🙌