How to be Warm

Being polite isn't enough to win one friends. We also need to learn the art of being warm: this begins with having the right sort of relationship to our own weaknesses and foibles.

FURTHER READING

“While politeness is of course always preferable to rudeness, there are ways of being polite that badly miss the mark and can leave us feeling oddly detached and dissatisfied. Picture the person who ends up, despite their best efforts, seeming what we can call coldly polite. They may be extremely keen to please those they are seeing, they obey all the rules of etiquette, offer their guests drinks, ask them questions about their journey, suggest they might want a little more gravy, remark on the interest of a recent prize-winning novel – and yet never manage to make their hospitality feel either engaging or memorable. It may be a long time before another meeting with them is suggested…”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Ignatz Higham Johnson

[Urspo]

"I'm so glad you did that, usually it's me" - what a brilliant useful supportive statement. This is the best things I"ve learned here in awhile.

[FabalociousDee]

How can something be so analytical and critical and yet be so beautiful and touching at the same time?

[juzzyboxx]

I just find the narrators voice and accent simply splendid.

[cheesecakelasagna]

The problem with "cold polites" is that they tend to analyze before reaching out, they think through what could someone be needing and they scale the importance of their "possible" help. And while that whole deliberation is happening, the warm polites have already reached out to that someone, asked them what happened or gave them a subconcious hug.

[yong-haotan]

Always remember: People are as vulnerable as you. We are not much different than another.

[noneofyourbusiness]

The more comfortable you are being yourself the more those around you feel safe to be their own person

[theflowergodleanne]

this makes me wanT TO GIVE THE COLD PERSON A HUG (cmon children, let us gather into a virtual hug )

[May-einb]

I think i watched this video more than 4 times already and its crazy how eye opening it has been for me. I have NEVER been able to put my feelings into words before seeing this. I have always been this cold person but what was weird is that I am a very sensitive person on the inside. I was always in tune with how people around me were feeling but I was never able to connect with them warmly. I never knew why. I am sure this is why I am connected with very few people and I find it very hard to connect. I want to change and I want to be a warm person more than anything because very few people were like that with me and I always felt alone and unloved so I dont wanna make any loved ones feel that way about me.

[newme]

I used to be shy and am pushing myself to connect more with others. I've noticed that I do all the right things but somehow people still don't feel completely comfortable around me. This video helped me understand the missing ingredient - BEING WARM! Thank you for the info!

[Fluxquark]

I'm so cold helium turns solid in my presence.

[arete]

The difference is the state of energy the person is in, its a subtle thing but yet everyone notices it, if you're in state of awareness during social interactions you will spot these imporant nuances.

[themonarchofbaddecisionmak]

I love the use of colour theory in this one.

For the "cold" person, they you cold colours (teal, cyan etc.) And for the "warm" person they used warm colours. (Light red, dark red)

They also used shape language. Where the cold person has more triangular shapes (triangles are used for villains and cold people in the character design works), the warm person has more circular shapes (circles are used for more passive characters). Who did the animation?

[vkyugly]

I love how underlining all of your videos, is a fundamentaly negative view on people as a whole. How everybody is imperfect and incredeply complex while the root of it all might be annoyingly simple and childish. Mostly i just love how you turn your (and mine) negative understanding into something truly kind and positive. I think that in the negative view, there is much more room for positive action. Well, that's at least my understanding of your philosophy. Thanks guys.

[bolivar]

1. There is a very funny and cute video about how warm hearted Greek people are! Just one minute long. It is in English, but you must search for the following Greek title to find it:
"Συνάντηση α λα ελληνικά "
And I must say that it is exactly the same in Turkey! Nationalists from both sides would hate me for saying this, but I think this is the reason why the couple of times I have been to Greece I always felt " at home". But I am sure, as we have seen in this video, everywhere in this world, there are "universal signs" of warmth among people. After all it is all about deeply caring for that person in that moment and always remembering your shared humanity.

2. I have this obsession about "brotherhood". I live with that feeling all the time and despite having my doubts ( of course... ), thank God I have never lost it until now. You can indeed talk to anybody about anything. How "private" can a private life be? I go for long walks every night. Just tonight in the street, on a bus stop I met five people by chance: a group of people from Colombia, Ecuador and Brazil who work in the same Spanish restaurant and then two boys from Tanzania. We had a chat for a while. They were all drunk but it doesn't matter. I told everyone to subscribe to The School of Life.

3. The most warm hearted person I know from literature is " The Happy Prince" in Oscar Wilde's story with the same name. Poor guy is in the most desperate situation a compassionate person can be! He sees everything but can't do anything. Except sacrificing his life and the life of the one who loves him...
( You can hear that story on youtube from Stephen Fry. )

4. As I understand, some extremely warm hearted people live in a town called Geel in Belgium. The families there follow a 700 years old incredible tradition: they accept people with all sorts of severe mental diseases as a new member into their families and live with them and care for them for decades. That's one of the most beautiful stories about brotherhood I have ever heard. It's so touching. You can hear all about it on an Invisibilia podcast . The episode is called:

" The Problem with the Solution"


5. I love the podcast " The Moth". They tell the most incredible stories from everybody's lives.. There is one episode called " Phone call- Auburn Sandstrom"

It is on youtube too. The story is just 10 minutes long. But you will see how one very warm person could literally SAVE someone's life just through a phone call.

6. The best way to make a person feel safe and "at home" is to listen to him properly. There is an excellent "On Being with Krista Tippett" podcast with Rachel Naomi Yemen. The episode is called " Listening generously".They give us very valuable insights to live by on this subject.


7. That wonderful tale with the kangaroo and the Tigger at the end, reminded me of one the most valuable, beautiful and life changing books I have ever read, which is " Just Mercy" by Bryan Stevenson, one of my heroes. He is an Afro-American lawyer based in Alabama. That's one of those very rare books that shifts something in you. You are a different person when you finish it.
Here is what Mr. Stevenson says there:

“The power of just mercy is that it belongs to the undeserving. It’s when mercy is least expected that it’s most potent—strong enough to break the cycle of victimization and victimhood, retribution and suffering. It has the power to heal the psychic harm and injuries that lead to aggression and violence, abuse of power, mass incarceration.”

8. Friends who speak Spanish, we must always keep in mind Atahualpa Yupanqui's wonderful song that says:

" Yo tengo tantos hermanos que no los puedo contar"

[DarkLordGanondorf]

This video again brings to my attention one of my shortcomings. I often seem to come across as cold when I am really very concerned for others' well-being. I do see other people, especially those I value the most, as "bigger" than they probably are. I think highly of them, I want to acknowledge their opinions and experineces and just give them the room they deserve as grown adults with their unique and great personalities. And while I am doing all this, I often forget that they can be insecure, that they falter or make mistakes and sometimes want to rely on others or need a shoulder to cry on.

[onetrueegg]

I’m actually sitting outside with no key in the middle of January in Chicago trying to avoid death but this was helpful too😭

[qaedtgh]

Moral of the story: cold people appeal to the _superego_, warm people appeal to the _id_.

[bobbypatton]

I've found this warm attitude amongst my rock climbing friends. we all share food and graciously put up with each others inevitable body odor after a few days of climbing, haha!

[joesaround]

I think losing touch with your natural warmth is ironically a common side effect of personal development. You focus so much on bettering yourself that you unconsciously start seeing yourself as better than those you don't think are putting in the same work, or you feel inferior and defensive to those you think are doing more.
Developing a genuine unconditional love for people as a whole is one of the hardest undertakings.

[johajoha]

And interestingly enough, The School of Life would definitely be associated with the "cold person" rather than the "warm person"