Identifying and Responding to Toxic People and Behaviors

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#toxicpeople #gaslighting #defensiveness
NOTE: ALL VIDEOS are for educational purposes only and are NOT a replacement for medical advice or counseling from a licensed professional.

Responding to Toxic People and Behaviors from a #TraumaInformed Perspective
Where Do #ToxicBehaviors Come From?
 Toxic behaviors communicate that you are not okay, you are unsafe and try to rob you of your power to be safe, happy and empowered.
 They are learned from our:
 Caregivers
 Media (News, movies/television, educational institutions, social media)
 Peers (Twitter, colleagues, friends)
 Toxic behaviors often can be traced back to insecure attachment / Fear of abandonment
Toxic Relationship Behaviors
 In-Consistency
 Extremes (Walking on eggshells)
 Passive-Aggressive
 Un-Responsiveness
 Always about them / Don’t care about your happiness
 Conditional Love
 Shut Out
 Neg-Attention
 They must be the center of attention
 Manipulation to get your attention (flirting with others; dramatic reactions, guilt)
 No positive attention for you
 Relationship Scorecard
 In-Validation
 Lack of empathy
 Won’t take responsibility
 Lack of Encouragement
 Jealous of your successes
 Discourage growth
 Support
 Splitting
 Clingy
More Toxic Relationship Behaviors
 Boundary Violation (Lack of Respect)

Abusive Behaviors (Power & Control)
 Coercion, threats and intimidation of repercussions (failing, cancelled/delisted, breakup, lawsuits, trolling, stalking)
 Emotional abuse to force people to do what you want, make them feel guilty/inadequate, gain a sense of power over them
 Economic abuse: Controlling access to money (allowance) or jobs through compliance, or spending all the money on themselves
 Isolation: Controlling what people are allowed to do and information they are allowed to have
 Gaslighting: Deny, blame, minimize to make you question your sanity or harm people’s trust in you

How Do I Co-Exist?
 Increase your self-awareness of your wants and needs, their behaviors that are toxic and the impact that is having on you (Safety and Empowerment)
 Recognize it is likely more about them and their insecurities (lack of a sense of safety and power) than anything you did wrong (Jealousy, passive-aggressive behavior, extremes (love/hate), blaming, controlling)
 Explore what those behaviors are communicating for that person/entity and how they may have developed as a survival response
 Empathy and validation Acceptance
Give People What They CRAVE
 We all want to feel safe, empowered and loved.
 Decide what your goals and needs are for that relationship. Are you going to ignore it; assertively address it or terminate the relationship. (Twitter, job, school, family etc.)
 Consistently
 Maintain your boundaries (I’m rubber and you’re glue) overtly or covertly and learn to trust yourself.
 Recognize your part (even if it is being a target of transference (How they feel about someone else) or projection (They assume you feel how they do))
 Respond by Validating/acknowledging their fears, thoughts and needs as real to them (respect their boundaries) and (if safe and necessary and helpful) your feelings about the situation and preferences
 Attend to them proactively to help them feel safe so they do not need to use the toxic behaviors
 Encourage appropriate behavior by rewarding it

Other Tips
 Practice good self-care
 Develop an emergency line
 Focus on the facts and what you can and cannot control
 You can choose to address the situation
 You can choose to internalize or ignore
 You can choose to end the relationship
 You can choose pity and compassion over anger
 Don’t feed the trolls (unrewarded behavior will often extinguish (Hoover)). Breathe.
 Avoid trigger topics

Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

AllCEUs provides multimedia counselor education and CEUs for LPCs, LMHCs, LMFTs and LCSWs as well as addiction counselor precertification training and continuing education. AllCEUs courses for counselor continuing education are accepted in most states because we are an approved education provider for NAADAC, the State Boards of Social Work and Mental Health/Professional CCAPP

[DocSnipes]

👌More videos can be found on this topic at
👍Online Courses for Continuing Education (CEU, OPD, CPD) and Substance Abuse Counselor Certification

[IssSandy]

The saddest part is that people with these toxic behaviors are so difficult to spot until they suck up everything out of you and then life becomes perpetual hell for you with no escape ! And also they are everywhere hiding like predators!

[maryseokley]

A gentle man never insults a lady, not even as a joke!

[Bobsuruncle]

Hello, I am toxic lol
On a serious note I’ve been working on myself for a while now because I realized how I hurt people around me due to my insecurities, traumas, etc. These videos have helped me process and understand my issues so I can heal. Thank you for this. To those of you out there in toxic relationships, it’s not always just the other person, take responsibility and take a good look at yourself and make sure your own house is in order. Much love.

[reginabarham]

I just left a church full of toxic people‼ 🤷🏾‍♀️🗣📣Amen and AMEN

[dddamaged]

A lot of the toxic abuse is emotional abuse.

[trishg]

Thank you for this - "trying to take their pain away is toxic because you're depriving them of the ability to work through their own pain." Very insightful info for an empath. Ty

[moxiepooties]

I really can't find a way to tell an extremely toxic person that they are entitled to their feelings but I see it differently. Not when I am made out to be the person who has ruined their life by having my own needs. When they demand "my way or the highway" and you get beaten up emotionally for just existing or expressing a need or concern, I really don't see any way to take care of myself except to stay away. Sick and tired of walking on

[TheIgnitEDTeacher]

It is definitely exhausting and emotionally draining to deal with toxic people

[dianapaloma]

Thank you. One of my favorite key reminders/take aways from today - Ir’s actually a toxic behavior when you jump in and fix something for someone and try to take away their pain because it’s Depriving them of their ability to work through their own pain. The old me used to feel like a bad person if I didn’t help the people around me and fix everything. However, now I see that I’m actually doing them a disservice and hurting them in the long run if I always jump in and save them. I am a proud, recovering helpaholic/fixahoilc 😜and my life is so much freer.

[mrsg]

The European institutions are full of these people. I believe that the organizational culture instigates narcissistic passive-agressive behaviours and drama. It is all about power, cohercive behaviour and bullying.😔

[hoharrisonford]

Dr. Dawn-Elise, I have been going through some turmoil in the past year and the concepts you cover in your videos really help me make sense of things. Thank you so much for what you do, and making it so available/accessible. Get well soon!

[maryannbaretta]

I wish toxic people were conscious and mindful of their behaviors…some narcissist don’t want to hear anything

[bettywhite]

Wow. You just stopped me in my tracks. I was listening but also multi-tasking. I've always thought toxic behaviors in OTHERS. But when you started talking about toxic behaviors to self ... 😳 Wow. I've got to re-listen to that again. "How we treat ourselves is how we will allow others to treat us". HUGE. I've got to think on this one - how I'm being toxic to myself.

[melliecrann-gaoth]

“I’m rubber, you’re glue, bounces of me, sticks to you”. First time to hear this. Holding this one in my head. Nice big of self talk, first step of a strategy to get space. Thank you.

[deena]

I am pondering on all the toxicity I experienced over years. I have never heard any psychologist speak about toxic behaviors beyond peers, family and partners. I've experienced boundary violations at a job. It was hurtful and I couldn't put my finger on what that experience come from. Thank you for the video. It has changed how I view toxic behaviors and whether my boundaries are being violated or whether I am setting proper boundaries for myself. Thank you so much.

[karenhegarty]

Really good to hear a psychologist call out the toxic relationships we can have with the systems we are born into - these include social, educational, legal,

[dee]

God bless you Dr. Snipes and your family abundantly, you are a great blessing to all of us! 🙌🏻☀️

[pechoja]

You must be an excellent therapist. Never heard so much real information with understanding and kindness, and intelligence. Love listening to your information, interpretation and suggestions. This is very valuable, more so than the ones by the most popular psychologist on YT.

[mimiville]

It’s sad bc so many of us come from traumas, etc & are toxic ourselves while also getting with another toxic person, then it becomes a crazy mix of good & bad times constantly like a wild scary rollercoaster 🎢 of ups & downs, rushes of bliss then crashing into a mess of toxicity that often is abusive in various ways. 😞💔