How to make long-distance relationships work

This video explores the research on long-distance relationships, specifically the predictors of positive outcomes and the transition to geographical closeness. Why do some couples break up when the distance ends? Who are the couples that make it work? Why do most people report missing at least one aspect of the long-distance nature of their relationship?

Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald

Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:09 Key points in the literature
8:54 My clinical observations
10:47 Tips for couples
17:11 Food for thought

References:

[AnaPsychology]

I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course:

For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

[SirTimthy]

My 1st and only dating experience was a LDR with a girl I met while working at summer camp when we were both 19 years old. We hit it off and remained close friends for 2 years, then started a LDR (both living in separate states) which lasted another 2 years until we married in 2017. We just hit our 6-year anniversary and are going strong! :D

[madhurikamoorthy]

i was in a long distance relationship for 2 years. We met online during the pandemic and lived in different countries, which meant a lot uncertainty around when we will meet. We finally met after one year and then continued dating long distance while planning to close the distance. Last year we moved in together and in around 6 months, we decided to marry each other. We were very happy during our long distance. After we closed the distance, we are so much more happier. I believe ldr thought us commitment to make a relationship work, which is definitely helping us even after we closed the distance.

[saint_valdemar]

She’s literally my favorite psychologist. Always says difficult and disquiet things in a very easy way.

[JasmineBrie]

Why there are better outcomes for long distance relationships - I'd definitely guess that it's because people who enter into long distance relationships don't do it as haphazardly. I think most people are not seeking out a long distance relationship specifically, so if you're going to enter into one, then you want to be absolutely sure that it's worth it!

[ArielLVT]

My partner and I were long distance for 2.5 years! Opposite coasts, different countries! We now live together and have been together for over 6 years ☺️

[PanoramicPhilosopher]

I was in an LDR for 4 years. Yes, we were deeply in love, but we were able to idolize each other for much longer than we would have in a normal relationship. Spending a week together every month was not enough to see the flaws and compatibility issues that eventually materialized. I wouldn't recommend it.

[kailongedits]

For the people that are in a LDR and are scared that the outcomes might be bad on the oncoming years, just have in mind that what matters is you and your partner. Communication is the first most important thing in a relationship and the only way to keep the couple bonded and close, even though you are going to start noticing the flaws of the person when you both are together, it's important to work it out together as a couple through communication. So don't be afraid that if you are going to live together, in three months you will break up, you both just need communication and most importantly love each other even with the flaws they have. Keep things spicy and rebuild trust and bond every single day will make your relationship last forever and in the same location.
Have hope and don't be afraid, it will work!

[TheVertamin]

I am/was a person with anxious attachment. I went into the relationship with fear of the distance (550 km). But even though the beggining had its struggle, it ended up helping me learn how to deal (and even appreciate) not having my partner close to me all time. I could even say not being together all the time improves things a lot. We went gradually from seeing each other just every 2 - 3 weekends to now, for 8-10 days straight (Work from home compatibility) and then 15 days of not seeing us again. We are still strong after 2 years and planning on going to live together now!

[helio]

I know a semi-long distance couple who've been together over 20 years in this configuration, 2 cities about 2.5 hours away, and have both testified that this possible geographical separation from their partner, while also being able to see each other every day if wanted, is an aspect that's helped maintain their relationship so long!

[rebekahnewman]

I’m in a LDR and my boyfriend and I watch your channel together. We met in London 5 months ago and I’m in NYC. He’s been staying with me for 6 weeks. I think finding a trial period for geographical closeness is a must-have before permanently relocating. Thanks so much for this content as we will take it onboard our relationship:-) <3 edit: I will add that I’ve done long distance several times before. I feel that LDR bring about emotional intimacy for people who communicate well through writing. My LDR relationships have gone through similar failings as my geo-close ones, although it may take more time to see the flaws.

[bakeliteperformance]

I've been a five LDR over my life. The first two was when I was in my twenties. One didn't work out, but I don't think the distance was the factor, rather other dynamics of the relationship.

The second didn't work out because my girlfriend just dragged her feet, and wasn't really willing to make an effort to move the relationship forward. I was open to different solutions in terms of who would move, but her lack of enthusiasm sent the message to me that it ultimately was not going to work.

The third worked well, eventually resulting in marriage for 14 years. We divorced, but that had nothing to do with distance at that point.

The fourth did not work out because my girlfriend kind of worried herself out of the relationship. Everything seemed to be going well, but her insecurity grew over time and eventually she walked away from the relationship. It seemed as if she wanted things to progress at a faster rate then I could match, this generated anxiety in her, and that continued to spiral. It was a delicate period to navigate, because I still wanted the relationship, but I just needed a slower pace for things to develop.

Finally, my fifth one is going well. I think a key piece as to why it is going well is that both of us have really good communication skills, and have expressed a lot of shared values that I think help strengthen the relationship. We're both patient and want everything to continue moving forward. We also are both older and can appreciate the complexities of the human condition, understand that we want to make a strong bond with another person who is not perfect, but values being supportive and communicative. We're both drawing upon the wisdom that previous relationships have provided.

Some general thoughts... I was using online dating, OKCupid, and this site has no limit on the amount of words in your profile, which allowed me to properly communicate my situation. I wasn't specifically looking for a LDR, but made it clear I was open to it, and I also made it clear that I wouldn't be able to move from where I was living due to co-parenting my children.

My overall approach with the profile was "more is more" and so I shared a lot about my life and situation. Sure, this approach would turn off some people, but for those who read through it and still reached out to me... that was wonderful! Instead of having to slowly dribble out details that might end up turning someone off after several weeks, months, or years, just be up front from the start and begin with that foundation.

One thing that I do like with a LDR is that it does quickly remove a lot of ambiguity in where people stand. In this day where people seem to be far more fickle and wary of commitment, a LDR relationship at least puts the cards face up on the table. So if you are someone who wants a long term relationship/marriage, a LDR lends itself to being more romantic and clarifying on what the two people are spending their energy on with the relationship.

[felixcapp]

I’m just over a month into long distance for study, but I had 8 months together with my girlfriend back home before I moved. I would definitely expect there to be a big big difference between relationships that have a long distance “phase” as opposed to those that are long distance by construction, from the start.

With us, knowing when we will see each other, knowing that we will be with each other in the same country in 2 years time makes it a lot easier than if it was completely up in the air

[WhiskersTC]

Thank you Ana for this revamp! Ive had a friend tell me that I was "too smart to date long distance" while in one and it made me super upset. Thank you for addressing the stigma that plagues and hurts these modern relationships.

[NatalieD]

I am in a LDR, when I met him in person, my feelings kinda changed. The way he viewed the less fortunate (i.e. the waiters or people that rent his apartments), had me questioning things. He has no empathy for them. He is a lovely human being. He will find true love, if he works on himself.

[andynonymous]

I'm watching this as kind of a self comforting thing because I miss my boyfriend a lot. I travel to the northernmost parts of canada frequently for work, where I'm hours away from any city, there's no cell service and barely any wifi. I think saying I long for my partner is probably the best way of putting it- I think if him all the time and I count down the days before I can see him again. But on the other hand now that I've watched this video I've noticed that we kind of have all the benefits of a long distance relationship and none of the drawbacks. We started geographically close, so I already got to know the real him before it became intermittently long distance. But now every time I'm back home with him, every moment is more precious than gold. There's a lot of anticipation in our relationship

[Sebastianbaraj]

I dated someone long distance for 8 months but knew them for 2 years. Didn't work out because of a complicated situation in her personal life that in the end made neither of us happy and there was no meeting in the middle. My best advise to anyone considering it and currently in it. Yes it's possible, but it is NOT easy. Each relationship and situation is different but in my opinion I believe there should be some kind of ending to the state of "Long Distance dating" and evolving into simply dating. In my experience I learned that I value intimacy and being able to physically touch my partner, so a long distance relationship is something I would never consider again. Flying out to see my partner 2 or 3 times a year is not enough for me. I understand my standards and will never lower them because I would not be happy.

[BearHeadedWerewolf]

I have been in a long distance relationshop for 9 months and it has gone pretty smoothly. We are deeply in love and she will be moving in with me in the next month or two. Fingers crossed that it works out. I have been wtaching so many of your videos over the course of my relationship and I have learned so much. Thank you for all of the time and effort you put into your content. I really appreciate it. You've shown me new perspectives and ideas on how to really invest in a relationship. :)

[WhipahSnapah]

This was very interesting to listen to! I hope people who are experiencing this aren’t afraid. Embrace the unique situation you’re in and the opportunities that it can provide. You can’t stop love. It will work out, just communicate 🤟🏻

[unifiedvoiceworks]

I appreciate your take on this. It’s refreshing to also hear the benefits of long distance. A couple things I’ve noticed is that it can help you get to know someone first on a mental and emotional level before the physical. It also helps each person get clear about what they want.