4 COMMON DEMENTIA CAREGIVER MISTAKES

Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)

In today’s video, I talk about don't do these things.

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Find out: "why you should lie to your loved one with dementia"
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare

[mgillespie]

I help my parents to take care of my grandmother who is 101. My parents watched this video today. Things were a lot more peaceful here this evening. :) So much so, that I decided I better watch your video too. Thank you. Keep teaching because your are improving the quality of life for the LOWD and the caregiver.

[muhammadyusaf]

Smummay of this wonderful video as I understood it.

1. Correcting. You don’t need to to correct your loved ones every time they say or do something wrong. Don’t correct it, let it go and save the strain in the relationship.

2. Arguing. Don’t disagree with your loved one. Instead of arguing:

* Acknowledge what they said
* Respond in a short and calm way, and
* Redirect them to something else

3. Reasoning. When you attempt to reason with someone with dementia, it can
lead to extreme frustration on your part and make it more likely your loved one will have some difficult behaviors.

REMEMBER
* You are trying to come up with a response that calms and reassures your loved one.
* You have to come up with sentences that make sense in THEIR world, not
necessarily in your world.

4. Testing. Don’t test your loved one’s memory by asking questions like these:

“Do you remember who this is?”
“Do you remember what we talked about yesterday?”
“What did you have for breakfast today?”


QUICK RECAP OF 4 COMMON MISTAKES TO AVOID

Correcting
Arguing
Reasoning
Testing

[likeakittie]

A good carer for someone with dementia is so underrated and not appreciated enough. They deserve a lot more credits.

[libbydavis]

My son nailed this with his Grandfather....every time he saw him (and they lived in the same house) he would say "Hello Grandpa". We always said that my Mum was out shopping if he asked for her (after she died). I would also add that you don't always need to be sure about everything ..I would often answer "I'm not sure" or I've forgotten" so it didn't feel too strange to him that he didn't know something. Another good one is "I'll try and find out" or if they are asking the time or date look at your watch / calendar even if its only been 5 minutes since they last asked.

[mmark]

I think you are a saint. My wife has been diagnosed with FTD at age 61 with 40 years of marriage. I love her to pieces but have fallen into every trap you have described here. A massive learning curve for me and I appreciate your videos as I feel abandoned after the medical diagnosis.

[barrycrook]

After 23 months of being my wifes full time carer, (we were/ both active managers of our three companies) I find that I am conitnually confronted by a wonderful woman that I feel I am in competition with, but she is in another world. My evaluation of my own position is, after watching your "back to basics' video is that, so far, I have failed her. I can see now that the daily frustration I feel is of my own making, and to try and let go of what has developed into a way of operating with the many people and situations we all daily had to deal with. Your video, for me, contained a simple message.... stop trying to make her situations fit my logic.
Stop the competition and accept the fact of going with the flow. Your message has been received, and hopefully life will be easier for both of us, from today.
Sincere regards for your wonderful work.

[nataliehilton]

I see dementia clients more as big toddlers than a bad dog (as in comments below) or crazy adults. It’s like ageing in reverse. It’s quite amazing to witness. It’s as though they become younger and younger, eventually not knowing how to eat or go to the toilet. Even their body gradually hunches over til they eventually end up in a fetal position and bed bound if they have long term dementia. It really makes me question if some of us are reincarnated or reborn.
We aren’t meant to think of aged clients as children but I respond to my clients as though they are children and they respond well. They still want to be loved. Precious humans who don’t understand what 2am is. Who don’t want to sleep til their bodies force them to. Who want their way regardless of the dangers because they think they are capable of more than they are. The challenge is preventing danger to yourself and a person who is your size or bigger. I write this at 4am after caring for a dementia client. I am exhausted but I know she’s finally asleep and her husband can sleep as well. My heart breaks for both of them. I can’t imagine living with someone with dementia. For those who do PLEASE find a way to take a break. Even for a few hours. Even hiring a caregiver for 1 or 2 nights a month is essential. To those who never had that option, you deserve 100 medals and much more. People say they, “do what they have to.” Don’t underestimate the incredible feat of loving someone when they are acting unlovable. Not everyone has that ability.

[louisewarren]

That’s the one thing I don’t like when you go to the doctor and they ask you what there doing it makes me fell like I’m putting him down in front of him !I feel like they should talk to us one on one

[ricosantos]

This was so helpful, I make all 4 mistakes daily. My dad has dementia and I take care of an elderly woman 3 times a wk that also has dementia. I have been making these mistakes with both of them, I forwarded this video to all my family and the family of the woman I care for. Thank you so much for this information

[wcwright]

My neighbor struggles with dementia. Her daughter careblazer told me that she often drives home in tears from the hurtful things her Mom says to her. I felt so fortunate to be able to show her your channel. Thank you so much!

[lynnsavron]

I really needed to hear this. I have been doing everything wrong with my mom, who just turned 100. I chastise myself for my lack of patience. I need to let it go and learn how to accept that she'll never be what she once was, despite my trying to reason with her. Thank you for sharing this!

[ChrisBillows]

This is excellent advice. I read somewhere that a person with dementia may not remember WHAT was specifically said or done but remember HOW they felt at the time.

[colleeneggertson]

It's important to realize that the person with dementia has a disability. We don't tell a person in a wheelchair, "Just stand up and walk." That would be unreasonable. Telling a person with a mental handicap to remember, or to be logical in our way, is also unreasonable.

[ellieraposa]

Thanks for a refresher course! My mom is 90 and has dementia. Years ago I was a CNA. I also took care of older family members. While visiting my grandmother all the time, long ago, she didn’t realize her son died. I would talk with her as if he was still living in another state. I never reminded her of this. It would have been her hearing it for the first time over and over again, having her react in shock and mourning mode.

[yocelin]

I can attest that all these mistakes are so true! The only problem is I learned how to handle the situations correctly a little too late, which is so sad to me. It really would have saved both my loved one and myself a lot of heartache in our journey in dealing with this devastating disease, if only I would have had this knowledge to go by. To all those of you that are just starting out, don’t take these instructions for granted, you will be so glad you didn’t in the end!

[cathygoltsoff]

My sister is doing this with her current caregiver. At one time my sister stayed with me and I handled her money. I always tried to keep about $100.00 in her account for emergency. She wanted to buy some 75.00 perfume and I said no you can not. She was furious. My neighbor said if she wants to handle her own money she needs to be on her own. I learned the hard way that you can not reason with dementia. God bless the Careblazers!

[blueminnie]

Yes, this is excellent advice. Even when my LOWD accepts my reasoning answer, it never ends there and 20 minutes later we are having the same conversation again. Less is more. When I feel myself losing my patience, I get up and leave to the kitchen, or bathroom, or patio for a few minutes.

Since the pandemic began, I've had a conversation with my LOWD, the same one, about the 1918 flu, 1000s of times (really, many times at every meal). It is crazy making!!!! Sometimes I get upset and say "You already told me." but, it works the best to just stop talking, like the conversation is over. I got a pair of wireless headphones so I can listen to music or the radio. This helps me to keep calm. I know this may seem rude, but being stuck home together since March, it's a way to improve my well-being.
Over the last 6 months, I've worked very hard on my empathy to remember my LOWD is ill. I've made good progress staying calm, but I can tell on days when I'm tired or upset, it takes real effort and sometimes I leave the room and allow myself to cry to relief stress.

[NCcrumpet]

I need to save this video and rewatch daily!
Unfortunately, I did a lot of correcting the other day when my mom was being evaluated by the home health PT and she got very upset with me. I thought I had to correct all the mistakes so she would get the right treatment plan, but it would have been better to take the person aside after and explain the important mistakes.

[esthermortensen]

When people find out he has dementia, they're surprised. He is still managing on a high level. So, when situations described come up, I too can forget he has dementia. But now I feel better equipped to handle these situations. Even if I start handling them wrongly, I should be able to catch myself and handle them correctly. Thanks for this video.

[KatsWind]

I've been caring for a neighbor who's close family and loved ones do everything to avoid her and she was left without transportation and anyway to communicate (phone). I appreciate the tips and empathetic approach in helping us just get through a day of being a caregiver for someone with dementia.