Unrealistic expectations from emotionally immature parents | Explained

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Complete transcript: Unrealistic expectations from emotionally immature parents | Explained

Therapist: The emotionally immature parent sees their children as a source of their self esteem. Their children really do have an unspoken job, and that job is to soothe their own emotions. Not to have their own opinion and never to talk back.

They believe that their children should understand the sacrifices that they made and to praise them consistently for making those sacrifices. They don't understand that children aren't responsible for meeting their parent's emotional needs. Children have their own emotional needs, and it's the parent's responsibility to meet them.

Emotionally immature parents tend to create people-pleasers, because their children learn to be a constant source of emotional validation.

[fiyepjio]

This is such a sad existence. Sadly, such parents may never have the awareness, humility, and maturity to see this within themselves.

[coltoncarson]

Goddamn…this is my dad to a fucking tee. His anger terrified me as a kid, and I grew to think that I was the one who had to soothe his anger and I was responsible for his emotions. He’s the main reason why I am a chronic people pleaser and have bad anxiety and am a perfectionist because I don’t want to get yelled at for messing up.

[RadishTheFool]

And when those kids grow up and start healing, bringing up the trauma will still mostly elicit responses of how they should understand the effort/love/sacrifices that their parents put in, and how they should just suck up all the pain and hurt for their parents' sake. This shed is so normalised, it's ridiculous.

[mrybird]

One of the things that gave me the permanent ick towards my ex, he once said to his son who was upset and crying after being disciplined.. “don’t you know it makes me feel bad when you look like that!?”

That’s when I knew he couldn’t handle his emotions right at all.

[missdirectedawakening]

It's especially tough to raise children with someone who needs constant encouragement to do the job they signed up for. Yeah it's hard, it sucks some days and I have very similar historical trauma but I choose to end the cycle, end the shame and give the children in our family tree their childhoods back. My greatest pride is when my kids are loud and weird, knowing they feel safe to be who they are.

[rebeccaallen]

"Children aren't responsible for meeting their parent's emotional needs" might be my new mantra when remembering my childhood.

[DJ-svxf]

People pleasing (for me at least) is a survival tactic to avoid punishment and further physical and mental abuse. It's not about validating a parent. It's more about staying invisible. Like a stealth mode.

[jennyp]

After all these years I finally understand. I was classed as the naughty, difficult, rebellious child because I asked questions and didn't give the response my mother wanted. So my words were taken as words entirely different than what I said - so I was punished and punished severely.

[christinenelson]

I had an emotionally immature parent and I became a people pleaser because it was the only way I felt I could be praised for doing something ever. And it had to come from someone else.

[MeowMeow__]

When my dad would go off on his raging spiels when I was a kid… he would always add in “you were born to SERVE ME!!! I’m the king of this castle and your job is to make sure I’m happy!!!” Ugh I always hated that!

[thurstylady]

Parents are the ones to give the mirror to their children in which they will see themselves for who they are for the rest of their lives. They should know that if a child views themselves well or not is a reflection of how the PARENT raised them to see themselves.

My dad has wondered aloud before “I don’t understand why your brother has such low self esteem”. Yea dad, it’s not like all the times you called him stupid and idiotic and lectured him for hours made him see himself as less than in your eyes. 😤

[KK-rjij]

100% true. It took me so long to move away from being a people pleaser and to figure out what my own thoughts are, my own opinion and who I actually am. So many wasted years. The thing is, even if you take that role to "help" your parents, they will never mature, they will never turn into emotionally mature people. It's wasted energy and a wasted childhood. They are a bottomless pit.

[jessapuff]

I want to send this to my mom so badly

[Sabadiver]

This is me, ffs if youre going to have children make sure you're mature enough emotionally. Makes me sooo angry

[calgreg]

When i talked back i got beat..i learned not to talk back.. so narcissists walked over me my whole life as i was preconditioned to submit and obey.. today i am aware of the situation and can spot a narc before they know anything about me..

[MHY]

Not to mention the anger and anxiety outbursts they expect you to absorb as a child and grow up without anger and anxiety issues.😂
Being raised by an emotionally immature and self-absorbed parent is a trip. They will never know what they've done to you.

[comnandmentsdeadlysins]

Remember my daughter's father saying to me "Why do you let her yell at you like that" when she was 6 years old. My answer "When she grows up she will yell the truth I need to hear right at me when something is wrong. I won't have to ask questions or wonder if she is telling the truth." When we are free to express our emotions without judgement or fear the truth is always clear. My daughter is grown and she tells me I am her best friend. She is cute as we spend little time interacting with each other as she is young with a life to live. I know however I am the first call she makes when everything is not going right in her life. Also know I got the rest of my life seeing her everyday as I move in with her and her first child. A true honor my child thinks so highly of me to help her raise her children. Respect given is respect earned.

[apie]

It is sad how many of us have suffered because of this kind of relationship...

[shedboundaries]

Don’t know how to deal with my parents. Years have passed by when I realised I have been a victim of narcissistic parent and I see what it has done to me. I give up now coz in spite of explaining to them they still want to be the same and reject my idea and emotions that are affecting me. I can see my potential but cannot bring it to reality. It’s painful without tears. At least tears give you a temporary relief. Last night my rage spiked with past thoughts and tore all my clothes only then I found relief but again I know it’s temporary. I don’t even have the energy to go for help.

[prisca]

They were victims, too. But the damage is done...