What narcissism IS vs. what it is NOT

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[omniterry]

Hi Dr Ramani, I am a narc survivor and I wanted to tell you that every time I watch a video of yours my soul feels so at peace. I cannot thank you enough! 🙏🏼

[imapandaperson]

Also a reminder that dysregulated anger coming from reactive abuse (someone relentlessly and purposefully pushing your nervous sysyem to the brink) is not narcissism --- it can be CPTSD! It is completely understandable for a child/teen to struggle with dysregulated anger and sensitivity to triggers in response to a lifetime of targeting. In adulthood it is on us to make sure we find ways of regulating so we don't hurt others, which takes being willing to get therapy and be accountable, but I really really want to stress that it is NOT OK to pathologize an otherwise loving and empathic child for being in fight mode when faced with abuse.

Anger sometimes becomes the only way children can put down a boundary with a narcissistic parent, because it is the only language the narcissist speaks.

That child deserves just as much love and support and validation as a child with any of the other trauma responses, and likely that child is just trying to find ways to feel safe --- and upon closer inspection all of the other trauma responses will be present in that child as well, rotating around in the kid's brain for what keeps them safe per situation.

Speaking as a child who was scapegoated and taught to hate herself for truth telling --- when I was in fight mode I didn't need to be shamed for my reaction or pathologized and blamed, I needed someone to recognize I needed validation, justice, and protection from abuse. When I was in freeze/dissociation mode, I didn’t need to be screamed at and called lazy, I needed safe silence to decompress. When I was in flight mode I needed someone to be a safe haven to return. And when i was in fawn mode I needed someone to remind me that it was ok to have boundaries and teach me boundaries.

It is also not ok to shame and pathologize a child who struggles with empathy either, or hold them to the same moral standards as an adult --- children learn how to connect to the self and others over time, narcissism is normal in certain parts of childhood. An abused child may become overly empathic, or they may go the other way where they become disconnected from emotion. They might oscillate between the two states depending on what helps them survive.
The whole point of childhood is to be given the grace to learn and make mistakes, the support to feel safe, the approval of the true self, to have a healthy example to guide them, and to grow. Kids can be given behavioral boundaries of right and wrong without having to crush their sense of self or inherent worth.

[marabudd]

More of the covert examples too…devaluing with dismissiveness, mocking, passive aggressiveness…
I find it easy to steer clear of the grandiose narcissists but the covert ones always sneak up on me…
It’s a hidden insidious meanness that got me

[mirunapopescu]

I love how Dr. Ramani keeps going in spite of all other distractions (like the light going out). Seems like she'd teach through a tsunami, and I love that vibe :))))

[annikamin]

Absolutely love this video. We really need to be able to differentiate. I would also love a series on “green flags” as opposed to “red flags” so we can tell when a relationship seems healthy instead of only looking for the potential signs of abuse. I think that can also be hard to differentiate.

[moniquejackson]

This new series rocks! The term Narcissist is being weaponized and misused, and this clarification is critical.

[barb]

Learning about narcissism is ruining my life. I was happy to stay in denial thinking one day he will love me. This is breaking my heart to know I was never, ever anything but a means to fill his needs.

[NevsTechBits]

The internet really needs you to do more videos like this. Everyone says everyone is a narc these days. It gets thrown around so much it is losing its meaning.

[danitaminer]

It's all in determining if the behavior is situational or pathological. 🤗

[Bpdbryan]

Really looking forward to this series. it will help people not only stop questioning themselves, but for them to stop using the word narcissistic for anything they see in someone they personally don’t like.

Nuance is always key.

[HermesNautico]

"If people loved themselves, [...], I don't think there would be even religion". That is very brave to say in the US. I appreciate it!

[brendaholmes]

I appreciate watching your videos. I knew, early on, that my Ex was narcissistic (therapy is great) but I really didn't know what that meant. I slowly got rid of "friends" that were toxic but I didn't realize they were narcissistic until after watching your videos. My mother was narcissistic but I keep making excuses for her. Now I can see how being raised by my mother trained me to accept narcissistic people into my life. I keep meeting them and wonder why... I thought I had a sort of magnet.
Now I realize there are a LOT of narcissistic people in the world.

[cupcake]

Thank you for this. May we have more on covert narcissism? The stonewalling, the passive aggression, the silent treatment, the sullen negativistic manner, the insane sensitivity to anything approaching constructive criticism etc..

[riviclaye]

Unregulated anger can also come from CPTSD--Not just Narcissism.

[tokyomurillo]

Love love love when Dr Ramani does these videos to clarify and give examples of what is and is not necessarily narcissistic behavior.

[TinaLouise]

Dr Ramani u are the gold standard of MH therapists! U are empathic caring understanding and genuine! A LIFE saver especially for a victim of a lifetime of abuse and persecuted targeting by hateful evil ppl and their nasty narc attitudes towards me.Thank u.x

[drea]

I try to identify *traits* that are narcissistic, rather than identifying a narcissist per se, at least in situations where I don't know someone well or I generally have very little context.
For instance, behaviors that can suggest narcissistic tendencies, but do not necessarily prove that a person is a narcissist -- seeking validation on social media (could be marcissism, but is certainly a form of insecurity, which could stem from many other causes than narcissism -- and also just loneliness), oversharing (may also be from loneliness, poor recognition of social norms/social awkwardness, etc), recalling/recounting things incorrectly (may or may not be deliberate on their part, they may have genuine memory issues or even trauma -- you have to look at context and the bigger picture over time to determine if they're gaslighting).
You' are spot on, Narcissism is a term that can get (and has been) overused if we're not cautious with it. Deniers may have some valid points about all the amateur/self-styled experts popping up and calling everything Narcissism.
Instead, when speaking to people who haven't "woken up" to this issue just yet, maybe it's better to focus on pointing out red flags, toxic situations and relationships, unacceptable tendencies and behaviors -- and leave the term "narcissism" out of the conversation, until they're in a place that's ready and open to recognize it for what it is.
Thank you doctor!

[PenninkJacob]

I think the defining characteristic is "the one-way street" (of spiritual/life energy)... ❤❤❤👍👍👍 (that's what makes narcissists "bad")

[smallperson]

Thank you Dr Ramani, really pleased you did this video. I think most of us who’ve suffered narcissistic abuse start analysing everyone else around them and questioning whether these people are narcissists too just by the one or two traits they may have. By unfairly labelling people as narcissists you can end up distancing yourself from them when you shouldn’t. Thanks again for doing this video…🙏🏼

[mtn]

I want to change and stop being a narcissist. I remember you saying that narcissists can put on a fake persona in public, but once they are home/in private, they show their true selves. I want to genuinely change who I am deep down. Not just keep my fake persona 24/7.

Is it even possible?