Normal Narcissism vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via YouTube, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

[annascavezze]

Another sign is truth. Truth is whatever they want it to be, no matter what the evidence to the contrary is. It is maddening!

[yvonnes]

Also, they can “dish it out” but they can’t take it… they will insult you all day long, but if you say one word or comment that might be twisted into something offensive, they act like YOU are the worst person on the planet. It’s maddening.

[richardleetbluesharmonicac]

Narcissist, don’t go to therapy everyone around them does.

[elinsarkissian]

I like how she’s more balanced and neutral about narcissism. I feel like other famous therapists or doctors on YouTube make people terrified of narcissists and talk about them as if they’re pure evil. And encourage you to leave and never look back, but without making sure that you’re not going around diagnosing everyone with some of these human nature tendencies as “narcissistic”. We need to ask ourselves about people’s “empathy” when they’re talking to us about others. And their entitlement level.

[leahhibbin]

I think it’s also important to recognize that victims of narcissistic abuse have been trained to be highly sensitive to tone and other non verbal signals….growing up in my house being able to see what was coming at you via tone of voice, or the way a door was opened or a coffee mug put down, even the way they opened the front door….was a basic survival skill. Tone is also a narcissistic tool used to ‘dog whistle’ to their victim the real message behind their words….especially in public! I am highly attuned to people’s tone but that’s from a lifetime a training and practice in what was very much a survival skill. I would love to be less sensitive to non-verbal triggers, a certain look or tone of voice can signal imminent danger and potential violence and my body reacts accordingly, why wouldn’t it after a lifetime of practice? It frustrates me that there’s this perception out there if you are sensitive to tone you must be a narcissist (thank you for saying that this doesn’t have to be the case, as it can be quite traumatizing to be told that one’s sensitivity to tone of voice and other non-verbal signaling is a signal that you may somehow be narcissistic.

I wonder how many CPTSD sufferers are highly sensitive to tone and other non-verbal signals as they try to navigate the world. That doesn’t make them narcissists (although who knows, maybe some are). The fallacy that being sensitive to tone is a hallmark of a narcissistic personality isn’t helpful as it lumps victims and abusers together, when the only thing they have in common is trauma. I believe strongly that narcissism is actually the hallmark of Childhood trauma. Narcissists are broken people! Some of us didn’t break, we kept our empathy and compassion despite horrific childhoods, but it did leave us with CPTSD as well as very sensitive (and adept) at reading into non-verbal signals.

[TexasTornado]

16:00 that is the most powerful thing I’ve ever heard, so, the bottom line to knowing if someone is a narcissist:

“do they navigate the world through empathy, or through manipulation?”

[captainmol]

My husband was nominated to be an elder in our church, everyone thinking he was so caring and helpful. At home he pretty much isolated himself either watching TV in his office or doing some project without inviting anyone to help him. We have sons who could have learned so much from him, but he would rather do things alone. He really did nothing to nurture our family. He once told me that he knew he was not empathetic and that he had to make himself “dig deep to conjure up feelings of caring.” Yet, to everyone outside the walls of our house he was this wonderful person. I could not convince him that maybe he shouldn’t be an elder because if he didn’t really have empathy for people he might not be best suited for the role. I finally met with our church elders and shared my concerns with them. They thanked me for sharing my concerns. Two weeks later, my husband came home from the elder training and said, “I decided to drop out. I realized that it was going to be difficult working with that group of men.” 🙄

[MsBizzyGurl]

What saved me? Stoicism. You can only influence yourself; others carry their own burdens. Become self-sufficient and mental health is yours.

[MaryRacine-qz]

A “normal” person can care for others, be sincerely concerned for another’s well being, safety, health, happiness, etc. A person with a NPD cannot.
CAN NOT.

[WalkonWaterPearlesofGrace]

I grew up with a narcissistic parent. I walked on egg shells and grew up with the idea I was responsible for their emotions. So I used to focus in as if I’m the problem if something occurs with another person. The narcissistic parents love was conditional. So I always questioned if I did something wrong for that person not to call me back for example. I had a fear of loss of relationships and love that existed at a deeper level. I’m not sure if this makes sense to anyone.

[Poppy-yxjs]

I’m not any PhD . I’ve tried to read everything I can about this topic for the last 30 years. I had difficulties with certain people. I had a couple of therapists who taught me what they could. They would give me research papers and articles from journals to help me out. I understand we should steer clear of the diagnosis, but really, once you see it you can’t unsee it. I’ve met people who are harder to understand at first because they likely had multiple conditions- but if you’ve had extensive dealings with a narcissist it’s something you unfortunately can’t unsee in the general population. I sort of wish I never knew.

[Mrs.Patriot]

Great info...but the narcissist lies to manipulate, and gaslights. He doesn't live by truth, but by what he wants others to believe. Integrity and morality are lacking. I appreciate having the explanation you offered too. More clarity is very helpful. Thank you.

[CindyPowers-nvzl]

Narcissist always say, "Don't take things so personally. You're so sensitive." And you're telling people to not take things so seriously. I feel that you're sugar coating narcissism. Narcissistic abuse is severely damaging. If someone says the things I quoted, I'm getting the hell away from them, never to return.

[sheilaabrahams]

You make a great point at the beginning of the video: The majority of people who seek therapy are in a relationship with people who have personality disorders, not the people with the disorders themselves.
My sister lives somewhere in cluster B land. She does everything for everyone because everybody except for her is incompetent. She is a victim. No one appreciates her greatness. She dropped out of three different colleges, but each time, it was someone else's fault. She weighs 300 pounds, but other people cause her to be fat. She doesn't need therapy, but everyone else does. Thanks for letting me vent.

[amyfinnie]

This description of a covert narcissist mother is so accurate, it's as if you lived through my childhood. She thought she appeared near perfect to everyone, the nurturing, selfless hero of our family, the one who gave up herself for everyone else, when in reality it was all about her and her image and praise. She acted like she was treated like a peasant, but it was just because being treated normally just didn't feel like enough for the queen she thought she was. She constantly alienated me from my father (even though he lived in the same house as us) and most of his and her family as well as family friends. Her narrative was that I was a horrible life sucking trouble for her.
My father would hear daily of what a bother I was to her and how I made her day miserable, while usually I hid from her in my room or outside or at anyone's home who would take me. She was a nonstop nag and criticized everything I did convinced me I was worthless yet could not understand why I was not an overachiever and self-confident like her friends or families' children who got their moms attention from everyone because of their achievements. She did everything she could to sabotage me being successful or independent, yet when I did accomplish something, like being the first person to graduate from university in my family, she bragged to everyone for YEARS about how much sacrifice she made when I graduated with a 3.75 GPA in a double major (she made none, financially or emotionally, she actually scoffed at and laughed at my silly my desire to learn and enjoyment from it). I called her on it once because she claimed publicly that she supported me financially through university which was a total lie, she actually used a program to steal from me by claiming my tuition on her taxes and ALL my friends parents gave them their tuition refund back, she kept 2/3rds for herself and lied to my brother and I about splitting it 3 ways between us, even though I paid it all with my own student loan money up front. She said that she had supported me by driving me to the doctor and pharmacy ONCE though the whole 4 years and it was a 5 km drive from her place to mine and to the doctor's office then pharmacy. She justified it by saying it was not just the money or the time, but the "wear and tear" on her car. She actually believes her pathetic logic.
She is a sick, manipulative, evil woman. Yet I still love her, but I have to keep physical and emotional distance from her. She occasionally is a positive part of my life, but usually its just for her performance to others or when she needs me. She is a very angry, lonely person. She has been the ultimate actress, all her life being a chameleon, changing her complete attitude and demeanor depending on who is watching.
She claimed she left my abusive father to save me from him, but she left me in his home with him and when she lived with us, often my father's abuse was provoked by her telling him how difficult and misbehaved I was. She would TRY really hard to get my brother and I to fight, and then she would be mad at us when we took the bait. She was also physically and sexually abusive, but most of all she was extremely and covertly mentally abusive.
Her obession about my faults was my weight. I was shamed from the 8 or earlier about my size and she still holds that over my head. She is just a horrible person, and this video was like listening to my life story. It was helpful, so thank you.

[janathena]

When I was married, I got to the point when I realized that my covert narc husband saw himself as the only person that mattered. He acted as if he had no responsibility for anyone but himself. He truly didn't care about me, and he truly did not care about our children.

[ariadgaia]

Thank you... This assures me that I'm definitely not narcissistic... but it also helps me see that my mother isn't either. For a long while now I've been pretty sure she is... but the way you clearly explain that people who navigate through empathy are not? Seriously helps! Now I can see that my mother is simply a seriously broken woman with too much pride and extremely low self-esteem who sucks at communicating her feelings and connecting with me in a respectful way.... As bad as that sounds? It's a serious improvement to what I've been thinking! Thank you for helping me see more clearly that my mother is indeed human. It was killing me to think otherwise.

[rachaeldrury]

Sometimes empathy can be drained from a person.

[scheralgreider]

I needed to hear this. I know my mom was NPD and my dad recognized it early in my life. People wondered why I was always with my dad when he came home from work and to places to pick up whatever tools, parts, etc. he needed to work on a project. He told me years later, he didn't want me to be like my mother. She was controlling, even when I got married. She told me once that she would love to afford a house big enough to house her, my sisters, their families and mine! I know it was so she could have her nose in our business. At her funeral, people would say; "she was such a nice lady, always concerned about people, etc." Of course, they didn't know what went on when they were not there. I sat at the grave site laughing inwardly, because they did not know her as well as they thought. Unfortunately, I do have some issues...the need for approval. I tried hard growing up to do things well so I could get her approval and be proud of me. Unfortunately, she never told me she was proud of me. Because of this, she grew to resent or (jealous) of me as I was more knowledgeable than she. Even my stepfather said there was no way to make her happy. I'm working on myself so I don't need to get approval or acknowledgement for the things I do.

[DC-tqbr]

I was in a long term relationship with a vulnerable narcissist, who acted (literally acted) behaved impeccable in public or at work and around family and in different friends groups. But in private the longer the relationship went on, he was atrocious completely stagnated my progression even after I moved out. I am very sensitive to similarities in conversation. Some Narc people will talk about other people creating discord and animosity between people to try and isolate the person whom they want 100% attention from. Part of the love bombing phase they will agree with everything you say because they in turn want validation. Thank you for the video.