Dysfunctional Family Roles

Do you know the roles of a dysfunctional family? Knowing these roles may help you identify which ones you have taken on and how it could be negatively affecting you in adulthood.

In this video, I am going to share the six roles most often found in a dysfunctional family. I share the key characteristics of each role including the strengths as well as the drawbacks and difficulties. The Hero Child, The Scapegoat, The Mascot and The Lost Child are common roles taken on in a dysfunctional family.

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Disclaimer:
This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via YouTube, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.

Edited by Video Editing Experts

☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
2:30 Roles 1 and 2
4:30 The 4 Roles of the Children
4:39 The Hero
6:23 The Scapegoat
8:31 The Mascot
9:36 The Lost Child

#dysfunctionalfamily #familyroles #breakingthecycle

[phabulouss]

I was the “scapegoat — invisible child, ” was in my thirties when I confronted both parents, together, that I’m going to therapy to try and understand why I’m F’d up; and was asked, in a huffing manner, by my mom, “why is it just you?” I stated that “it’s not just me, but at that time, “I’m the only one who’s chosen to do something about it.”

[christinebravomom]

< Resilient Scapegoat ... I count it a blessing that my Covert Narcissist mother (my gf called her "Queen Spider") pushed me so far out of her "web" that I realized I had almost nothing to lose by leaving altogether.

[taraarrington]

I never envied The Golden child or golden children because I understand that that could probably be hotter than the scapegoat in some ways because they constantly feel like they are human doing rather than a human being and they understand that the love they receive is conditional so they feel like they have to do more and more.

[allieg]

Wow thanks for sharing this information. I was 1000% the scapegoat in my family. Funny thing is I was the complete opposite of the bad kid I was treated like. I've always thought it was insane the things I was blamed for even to this day. My 3 siblings would actually misbehave but were allowed more freedom and played along with the family games that I called out. I could have told on my siblings for so many things but I never saw the point. I'm now trying to improve my through the roof anxiety levels and lack of self worth. I always thought I was just a nice person but I've always been people pleasing without realizing it. I wish I could have a child to break the cycle with but for now I can at least love and care for my pets to the fullest. Luckily now, after moving out at 19 and ending up in an abusive relationship, I'm currently 8 years into the best relationship with a storybook, perfect guy. I didn't know this kind of love existed.

[grahamfonteyne]

I just want to say that your YouTube videos are, by far the best, most helpful, and illuminating videos I've ever seen. Thanks so much for all that you do Barbara!

[pbbandit]

I don't know that my family had rigid roles, but some of this resonated. My brother and I were/are both high achieving in different ways, but I think he felt more pressure to be the "good" or hero child. I'm the oldest and felt the "gets blamed for everything" resonate because it didn't matter what I did, if something went wrong I got the blame. In response, I developed more of the joking/clowning and avoided processing emotions. My brother was the perfect younger child who could do no wrong, and in conflict situations he checks out like the lost child. He moved across the country to get away from the family.
Both parents are dysfunctional in different ways, so that might have contributed. Mom is emotionally abusive and narcissistic (my brother was her favorite source but I'm her projection-child/mini-me that she is trying to control the life of). Dad was physically abusive and otherwise absent, and we haven't had contact since childhood. I don't think my brother remembers much of him, as he was 7ish and I was the one most often punished.
I can't actually remember him getting beaten by our parents. I garnered nearly all of the punishments... my parents were still blaming me for stuff after I moved out. I know because they told me a year or more after "you know, your brother actually misbehaves too?" Like they were fully surprised.
I'm glad my mom at least believed in therapy, which was first for the divorce and then for trying to undo what she was doing. She got kicked out of therapy but my brother and I still went. I don't think he has gone since leaving home and I worry for him sometimes. I still go because it still helps.

[messofanxeity]

Man YouTube can teach so much knowledge

[feedthecatplease]

I think there's a lot of "criss-crossing" and overlapping of these roles, too, especially as children grow up, and as their parents and their siblings, and as then their own parents all grow older.

It can get more and more complicated as each person sort of gets jockeyed around, and is jockeying themselves, for a "better", less emotionally painful, and potentially more "powerful" (either self-autonomous *or* destructive) position within the family dynamic.

That's when I've seen things get way outta control quickly. I've seen a "hero"/"scapegoat" combo. What happened was when the hero made a life mistake, it shattered the entire faux and unrealistic "perfect familial image". There was all of this shaming/blaming aanndd---out popped the "scapegoat". This new character in the family farce had actually been "nurtured" to *be* that scapegoat all along. It had been a kind of total psychological covert operation and set-up. Fortunately, she did see through it eventually, but not before she took a lot of damage...😢

I've seen the "hero/lost child" combo, too. That person was so constantly emotionally suppressed and made to mirror her narcissistic mother that she eventually grew up to become a quietly resentful and contemptuous "enabler" type, with a strange, slightly self-righteous moral streak.

The whole thing was just tragic, TBH. 😢

[Ariadne-kd]

And then sometimes you have two parents who are narcissists.
I don't buy that anyone "can't" change though. They don't want to.

[nicholaskummer]

I just learned about you, exploring Youtube and things Ive learned in ACA. And when you brought up The Lost Child, it hit me like a ton of bricks. And I broke. Not ashamed to say that. I. BROKE. I felt like I finally discovered a big part of myself. It made complete sense to me. I've struggled through my teen years and majority of my young adult life. I became a deep active using Alcoholic and Addict for 15 years. Almost 3 years ago, I met my best friend and now boyfriend and opened up to him. Letting go of my deep dark and hurting secrets I've kept in the dark, Of childhood experiences I endured that followed me from Foster Care to going home and repeating in my teen years. The silence I was engulfed in. Today, I am working on finding the WHOLE me, and I am 705 days clean.

[jenniferl]

Is it possible to be a couple of these traits at the same time? I was the golden child until I wasn't and then I became the scapegoat. As long as i was performing to my covert narc mother's standards, looking the way she wanted me look, I was golden. My sibling would agree. Once I stopped being the child that my mother was vicariously living through there was a 180° shift and I was the scapegoat. I could do nothing right, I was the reason for my mother's anger, frustration, and depression. My sibling, on the other hand was the mascot. I know he took on that role as a protection. He was making himself invisible to the criticism of our mother by always being the easy going kid, the one the never caused a problem. The problem with that was that he, internally, was the list child. Once we both hit 18, we moved states away from our mother. I later moved back and as an adult became my mother's "whipping post". My brother never came back, and in fact moved as far away without actually leaving leaving the country. Both my sibling and I married controlling, image obsessed people. My brother got out of that marriage and remarried someone who sees that lost child and allows him to shine without having to be a mascot. I married a narcissist, just like my mother and am struggling to get out. Now that I've seen my spouse and my mother for who they really are, it explains so much. It's taken so much therapy but I'm climbing out of that hole.

[Lina]

Thank you for this video it really opened my eyes. I don't know how, but I qualified for three of the four children roles. I really appreciate this video. Thank you again.

[dameanvil]

00:00 🏠 Returning home can trigger old family roles, affecting behavior and causing frustration.
01:05 🔄 Dysfunctional families have rigid roles affecting who you are, your behavior, and life achievements.
02:14 🤝 Families are systems; changing an individual can disrupt the balance, causing resistance.
04:44 🌟 The Hero Child strives for success to maintain the family's appearance but may struggle with self-worth.
06:34 🎯 The Scapegoat takes blame for everything, leading to self-destructive behaviors but may develop resilience.
08:41 🤡 The Mascot uses humor to diffuse tension but risks avoiding difficult emotions and self-limiting relationships.
09:46 🚶 The Lost Child withdraws from conflict, becoming introverted and may struggle with safety and voice.
10:57 🔁 Any family role can recreate patterns in their own families or friend groups.
11:39 🔄 Rigid roles hinder authentic living, preventing acceptance of all aspects of oneself.
12:06 🛣 The "Roadmap to Joy and Authentic Confidence" program helps transform negative beliefs for a more joyful and authentic life.

[Citrusfruits]

O Muh Gawd… 🙎🏻‍♀️ the first 8:33 min of this video - you put into words so eloquently and with simple understanding …. My entire 46 years on this planet. Sad to say I have BPD cuz of it. Thank you 🙏🏻

[gwendolynwehage]

Yep, I do not fall back into the role myself so much as they treat me like I am still a child. I have gone no contact with family because I am tired of being treated disrespectfully. My mother even said to me when I was a small child; "why can't you be like your brother?" My brother was the golden child and was rude and mean, to this day he acts like this. He raged at me one time when I told him the mean things he did to me and that he should be ashamed.

You have perfectly described my family growing up. My mother even laughed at my brother's rudeness toward me and told me I was a big baby for crying. My brother now in his 70's will make a mean joke about someone and tell them they are too sensitive if they complain.

One of my other brothers who was the ignored one makes jokes all the time to this very day. I was the scapegoat and emotionally more developed than my brothers after I left home. My oldest brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat. Everything you are saying is exactly what happened in our home and they continue to act these foolish ways today, as though they never matured. I began studying narcissism because of all the things my family did that didn't make sense to me and began to realize their hatred toward me had nothing to do with me. I began to heal after that exponentially.

The mascott in my family jokes all the time but rages when anyone disagrees with him, he seems angry all the time just below the surface.

I was the scapegoated child and wanted to disappear to get away from my family and become what I wanted to be. To this day I will put out of my life anyone who starts the relationship with acting like my family did. I do not even take a second look.

It was through Jesus Christ that I found healing. God gave me the ability to spot these kinds of people almost immediately. I speak to them briefly showing them respect but I do make friends with them.

[kismetbridgeforth]

I went from hero child, to scapegoat and now choose lost child to avoid the compulsion to give most members of the family "truth telling" read sessions. Darkly funny, but true.

[Mira_Louise]

I think for a long time i was a mix of the lost child and scapegoat but now i think im just the lost child but with the resilience and voice of the scapegoat. also this video was very helpful. I think i can understand my siblings struggles much better now.

[tessellatiaartilery]

This was great. So clear and informative. Your videos are likely helping many people across the world. Thank you very much for sharing your expertise in such a kind way.

[Aerahath]

I was the first child... and was the only child for 9 years I was diagnosed with Dyslexia(I believe this was a misdiagnosis, and I might be more on the autism spectrum), but I believe I also have other issues that went undiagnosed like adhd... for those nine years I was simultaneously the hero, the scapegoat and the silent...then my first sibling was born... and he became the hero... while I suffered with undiagnosed AUDHD... then 5 years later my other sibling was born and the youngest became the hero... the middle child became the scapegoat... and I became a third parent who avoided conflict.

[gabrielamachowski]

Thank you for your help! The time and effort is so appreciated ❤